Am I destroying us?

[Dots]

I've been becoming more and more frustrated with my partner. It has been twice in the past 6 months that I've brought up suicidal thoughts to him. And that has been only in the last few days. When I talk about feeling down, mental illness or depression, he immediately brings up therapy and medication. I've told him I know these exist and you've seen me try both, but could you please just listen and connect with me about what I'm saying?

Is this too much to ask/expect from him? am I in the wrong here? I know he just wants to find the immediate solution but I feel so alone and I desperately need someone to connect with about these feelings I've been having. For the most part I don't trouble him with these thoughts. I have only been doing so within the last few days.

We had a fight today about it. I told him I just need you to connect with me which made him angry. He thinks what he does offer isn't enough and maybe it's not. Or maybe I'm just really emotionally deficit. I don't know. Regardless he left and said he couldn't handle it.

Am I expecting too much? Is this not something I should be expecting from my partner? Will my expectations eventually destroy us? I just need an outside perspective. And any advice is appreciated.

 

[Holding my breath]

Hi the.end.ish. I find to people who I am close to is more difficult than talking to strangers. I can fully understand the need to connect with someone but can’t do this with anyone in my immediate family. I think they would find it difficult to fully understand and would likely want to try to fix it. I don’t believe it is within their capabilities to fix me but I don’t think they would be able to just listen without trying. I imagine it can be terribly frustrating to watch someone you love and not be able to help. I wonder if he is frightened? It is only since feeling this way myself that I feel more comfortable taking about it. I don’t get scared or panic if someone tells me they want to kill themselves because I understand what it is to be there, to think that. But if they’ve never been there then it is really hard to understand and even more difficult to know what to say or how to respond. Connecting to someone is really important. Is there anyone else who you could try to talk to? Someone perhaps not quite so close? We are all different and I admire that you have started to process to want to talk. If he’s not the one to talk to, perhaps try to find someone else who you can.

 

[Aurelia]

I think a lot of men tend to be like this. Their first instinct is to be practical and try to solve the problem, but they don't realize that what we really want is to be heard and understood. Even when you specifically tell them, "This is not what I need right now. I need X, Y, Z." They somehow still don't get it.

 

[Sane Man]

I think a lot of men tend to be like this. Their first instinct is to be practical and try to solve the problem, but they don't realize that what we really want is to be heard and understood. Even when you specifically tell them, "This is not what I need right now. I need X, Y, Z." They somehow still don't get it.

Oh boy, Aurelia... I some what agree with that, but for example if I listened to my practical self, I would say, "Hmm, well looks like your life really does suck. Maybe I should end it?" So, what you really need is a combo of BOTH understanding(control) of feelings, and practical/logical common sense. Both men AND women can have or not have that, depending on who they are and the situation. I fight with my sister over this constantly.

All I can say regarding this situation is it sucks, yes, when one person in a relationship(any relationship, not just boy/girl) is in disagreement over solution of a problem, most likely because the other person has never experienced such pain or the situation themselves. You're not wrong for feeling just the way you feel, though it creates that 'isolating, I'm alone' feeling even if you're around someone

 

[Dots]

Is there anyone else who you could try to talk to? Someone perhaps not quite so close?

I'm not sure. I find it difficult to connect with people in general and I don't really have any acquaintances.

I imagine it can be terribly frustrating to watch someone you love and not be able to help. I wonder if he is frightened? It is only since feeling this way myself that I feel more comfortable taking about it.

He is frightened, but I also think he is fed up with me for being depressed and negative.

He's tired of feeling helpless and useless I think. I don't blame him. So am I. I wish I could offer him more. I wish I could make him feel like he deserves to feel.

Even when you specifically tell them, "This is not what I need right now. I need X, Y, Z." They somehow still don't get it.

Nope. At least he doesn't get it. He's great at supporting me and taking care of me but he's not able to intuitively connect with me/my feelings. I feel guilty expecting more, more, more or something different than what I'm getting as it's apparent he cares and it seems he does what he can.

Thanks for your replies. Do any of you feel like I am expecting too much from him or pushing him to be something he's not? Do you think it's healthy to connect with your partner in that way? Maybe I should just find another therapist and leave him out of it, if it it means saving our relationship.

 

[Acy]

Hi @the.end.ish. I’m sorry you’re feeling all this so deeply and roughly.

I’m sorry your partner didn’t respond in a way that made you feel more heard and supported. I’m guessing...were you upset that he didn’t have something he could offer himself? And that made you feel he didn’t care enough? So, I’m not sure what you wanted him to do or say so you would feel he connected with you. (I think I would have wanted a partner to say, “I’m sorry you feel so depressed. Maybe we could talk about options?” And then give me a hug. And then suggest therapy.)

Are you pushing him? I don’t know if it’s pushing exactly. I think partners, family and friends can be terribly shocked and scared when their loved one says they feel so depressed they are thinking of suicide. Hearing that can make a person feel very helpless. We are partners, friends, and family, not skilled professionals. We don’t want to do the wrong thing. It’s kind of out of the average person’s experience and area. The standard literature about how to respond to someone who is suicidal is to listen and then encourage them to get professional help.

I’m sorry therapy and meds have not worked for you in the past. It can take some trial and error with finding the right meds. And they generally take a few weeks to kick in with the positive effects. Therapy works when there is a strong therapeutic relationship between the therapist and the client. It’s not exactly “friendship” - maybe a sort of very knowledgeable personal growth mentorship. Therapy works best over time, too. And we, as the clients, have to be “ready” for the learning and growing. Sometimes we’re not ready and the therapy “doesn’t work.” It’s probably not the therapy that didn’t work, and more that we weren’t able to take it in yet and do the growing and learning.

I guess I’m trying to say maybe your partner could have been a little warmer, but maybe he was scared or felt helpless. And maybe you could try therapy and/or meds again and see if you’re ready this time. It’s not your fault, it’s more about where you are in the growing phases. If you are so unhappy now that you are considering suicide, I hope it’s the right time this time. Therapists make great sounding boards and are helpful guides through past and present challenging feelings and situations.

I hope you and your partner have a calmer discussion about ways to cope with how you’re feeling. It’s my sense that he cares, but that he’s feeling the situation is out of his depth.

I hope you’ll update us. Please stay safe and healthy!

 

[Dots]

Hi @the.end.ish. I’m sorry you’re feeling all this so deeply and roughly.

I’m sorry your partner didn’t respond in a way that made you feel more heard and supported. I’m guessing...were you upset that he didn’t have something he could offer himself? And that made you feel he didn’t care enough? So, I’m not sure what you wanted him to do or say so you would feel he connected with you. (I think I would have wanted a partner to say, “I’m sorry you feel so depressed. Maybe we could talk about options?” And then give me a hug. And then suggest therapy.)

Are you pushing him? I don’t know if it’s pushing exactly. I think partners, family and friends can be terribly shocked and scared when their loved one says they feel so depressed they are thinking of suicide. Hearing that can make a person feel very helpless. We are partners, friends, and family, not skilled professionals. We don’t want to do the wrong thing. It’s kind of out of the average person’s experience and area. The standard literature about how to respond to someone who is suicidal is to listen and then encourage them to get professional help.

I’m sorry therapy and meds have not worked for you in the past. It can take some trial and error with finding the right meds. And they generally take a few weeks to kick in with the positive effects. Therapy works when there is a strong therapeutic relationship between the therapist and the client. It’s not exactly “friendship” - maybe a sort of very knowledgeable personal growth mentorship. Therapy works best over time, too. And we, as the clients, have to be “ready” for the learning and growing. Sometimes we’re not ready and the therapy “doesn’t work.” It’s probably not the therapy that didn’t work, and more that we weren’t able to take it in yet and do the growing and learning.

I guess I’m trying to say maybe your partner could have been a little warmer, but maybe he was scared or felt helpless. And maybe you could try therapy and/or meds again and see if you’re ready this time. It’s not your fault, it’s more about where you are in the growing phases. If you are so unhappy now that you are considering suicide, I hope it’s the right time this time. Therapists make great sounding boards and are helpful guides through past and present challenging feelings and situations.

I hope you and your partner have a calmer discussion about ways to cope with how you’re feeling. It’s my sense that he cares, but that he’s feeling the situation is out of his depth.

I hope you’ll update us. Please stay safe and healthy!

Hi Acy,

Thank you much for your insightful response. I suppose I was just... disappointed he didn't have much to say. He seemed speechless and clueless. He only threw out "What about meds and therapy" after a long, awkward and deep silence. It would have been nice to hear I am sorry you're feeling this way, I'm always here for you and I love you. Something. In retrospect, I don't remember if he has said these things before and maybe I just didn't take them in.

You are right. It might have been shocking and frightening to hear. I just expected more since he is very aware of my mental illnesses and has dealt with my suicide attempt in the past. I try to be aware that talking about it can put a lot of pressure on him, so I've been silent about it for the past 6 or so months. This time I felt like I couldn't keep up the facade. I felt like he had to know that I am not doing well. It seemed to shut him down.

I do hope to eventually try therapy again and I hope him and I can talk through this, but as of right now he has bailed.

Thanks again for your much needed advice/insight.

 

[MisterBGone]

I really don’t have any great of grand advice or wisdom for you — )I wish I did!); so I should probably stop typing now. . Z but I think we both know that that’s not very likely!!!

ok 👌 having no idea 💡 or clue what exactly is going on inside your partner’s head (& really only he honestly knows, and there’s even a chance that he’s not 1000% fleshed it out, to the point where he could articulate with any great degree of accuracy to him self: in other words, he may know how he “feels,” but not how he “thinks,” in its entirety - or vice versatile!).
What I have found over my vast experience with others, some extremely / exceptionally close; is that there can tend to be a “shelf-life,” to the amount of this sort or type of talk their willing to accept. In other words,’once yu pass that point, or go over this threshold; they are suddenly ready to “jump ship!” So-to-speak; in terms of their willingness to be there for you, with their undying/unconditional loving 🥰 & overwhelmingly positive support. This can turn on a dime or an instant—or so it seems to us, (when in reality it has probably been shifting within their own minds for quite some time). That is to say📲📲that there is a progression here to this, or it...

You have to try to put your self in their shoes. Thus can t be fun stuff to talk about, or exciting / exhilarating territory to explore: sure , maybe it is in the beginning, but over time, thus felling subsides, or begins to recede & fade away. And with it, very often - their enthusiasm, shall we say, to five in and help to save you. . .

What I have found can be incredibly frustrating, is how so many times, they will feel that they know (for the most part) that they know & understand full well that they know what you’re going through. In the sense that, “yes! Hey - you know what? I’ve been suicidally depressed before; & I may have even thought very seriously about it, or possibly even considered goin through with it — in my own mind (that is, “passively~”)... but then! Eureka. They figured it out, conquer Ed it: that which you cannot! And moved on )clearly not “chronically so!..”

Also possible: they don’t know how to help given the gravity of things, which means they don’t know what to say (which is usually what they’re worried about), and therefore, would rather not say anything at all, for not only may they say the “wrong-thing!” (Which could do more harm than good...) but also they then in their own minds become “active-participants,” in the matter. Accomplices, if you will!

sound like somethjng you’d like signing up for? If you had truly no idea or clue what was going on with the other, and this reality makes it very difficult to try and find the right language to speak to connect with, or find any sort of common ground. There is a nother problem. That of having, “played this game before...” And here we go again! I already gave you my best effort last time, and quite possibly the time before that, and the time before that! . . . & at a certain point: they feel as though they’ve run out of material! They are exhausted. And don’t know what to do? That’s really it, in its simplicity: they don’t! Know what- to do...

so what are they supposed to do? What might help manage your troubles or navigate these particular difficulties? That’s what I’d tell him. Thus is what I could really use from you. I know it isn’t fun. But that’s what could really help me, is if you just (fill-in-the-blank). And of course I forgot the second or last part of that; which I feel was the more relevant or critical ... Tory of my life- :/( . . .) also doesn’t help I’m listening to some tool try to explain he “caged,” system on guitar 🎸 on YouTube - which I have no interest in & the news on the insomniac channel / network is competing / conflicting with that or thus. I can usually blend thing s together and not have it affect me; but thus her is not appearing to be in very good harmony. May have to put ear buds in for some music 🎶 bleep this bleep (not you!) my mind and it’s inability to focus... & the n there’s the neighbors!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway(s)— ;^) that’s all I got. /9aorry_.?

 

[Dots]

is that there can tend to be a “shelf-life,” to the amount of this sort or type of talk their willing to accept. In other words,’once yu pass that point, or go over this threshold; they are suddenly ready to “jump ship!” So-to-speak; in terms of their willingness to be there for you, with their undying/unconditional loving 🥰 & overwhelmingly positive support.

Sad but probably true.

I know he loves me and I know he'd never ever think of me as a burden, though.

so what are they supposed to do? What might help manage your troubles or navigate these particular difficulties? That’s what I’d tell him. Thus is what I could really use from you. I know it isn’t fun. But that’s what could really help me, is if you just (fill-in-the-blank

The truth is I don't know what would help and that's probably why we are both struggling so much. I do tell him it would really help if you could just listen and connect with me. Just understand. That's a lot to ask in retrospect. You can't force someone to understand and it would never be exactly in the way you want.

I've had people who I've been able to connect with about all this and I wanted to resurrect that, but it's unfair to him, I think, to force that type of connection. Or hope for it.

The connection we have outside of all of this doom and gloom I do cherish though. And I wish he would get back to me so I could tell him that. But for now I think he's left feeling useless.

I do too tbh. Somehow I cant find a way out of the misery this time. Not on my own.

 

[MisterBGone]

Sad but probably true.
Try to get some rest. That in & of it-self, can sometimes be as therapeutic as anything...
I know he loves me and I know he'd never ever think of me as a burden, though.

Beautiful! Music to my ears. . : )
The truth is I don't know what would help and that's probably why we are both struggling so much. I do tell him it would really help if you could just listen and connect with me. Just understand. That's a lot to ask in retrospect. You can't force someone to understand and it would never be exactly in the way you want.
Ok 👍 no worries 😉 maybe just do your best to express this very same thing to him then, something like you’d prefer if he could just listen / be a good sounding board (without offering any feedback; or constructive criticism) & the n just try and let the “connection,” happen organically. It’s hard for any two people to force a particular type of thing. You know just pick two people at random and tell them you’re going to stick them in a room with the following instructions: go have “chemistry!”
I've had people who I've been able to connect with about all this and I wanted to resurrect that, but it's unfair to him, I think, to force that type of connection. Or hope for it.
Don’t be so hard on your self; try not to overthink, or analyze — I know it isn’t easy, but it also always isn’t helpful (can be counterproductive in fact, as hard as that is to believe).
The connection we have outside of all of this doom and gloom I do cherish though. And I wish he would get back to me so I could tell him that. But for now I think he's left feeling useless.
He just needs some time. That’s all! we like to blow off steam sometimes, and it doesn’t even always have to do with the object of the frustration (in other words, something internal going on inside us...)
I do too tbh. Somehow I cant find a way out of the misery this time. Not on my own.

Yes, it’s okay to ask for help! : )

 

[MisterBGone]

Clearly... I don’t know what I’m doing in trying to answer these responses in the proper format, or right way! My apologies (they’re buried up in there again—that gray area, & not by design!) ; ). .

 

[MisterBGone]

You know / one way to maybe find a similar connection with others that you’re yearning for, may be a group therapy type setting, or even meeting - support group of some kind? If you’re open to that!

 

[MisterBGone]

I do wish you well. . . Very, VERY—well! : ) And I wanted to say, yesterday, that I find you to be incredibly easy to communicate & converse with. I happen to have “studied,” (put very ~loosely~ in quotations!) communication in school — though you’d never know it by my comings & goings here (or anywhere, maybe, for that matter!). . . And so, I jusf know, I always hear you saying that you don’t feel this is something you excel at in the outside world. Which is why I want Ed to offer you a //g.d! Mobile chat 💭....) sorry 😐 _.~*>• alternative, or opposing views (a counter, of sorts!). .

 

[Dots]

I do wish you well. . . Very, VERY—well! : ) And I wanted to say, yesterday, that I find you to be incredibly easy to communicate & converse with. I happen to have “studied,” (put very ~loosely~ in quotations!) communication in school — though you’d never know it by my comings & goings here (or anywhere, maybe, for that matter!). . . And so, I jusf know, I always hear you saying that you don’t feel this is something you excel at in the outside world. Which is why I want Ed to offer you a //g.d! Mobile chat 💭....) sorry 😐 _.~*>• alternative, or opposing views (a counter, of sorts!). .

Thanks Mister I suppose I'm just rusty. I feel better today. My partner and I spoke and I promised I would try to get help. I even exercised of my own volition which if you were to put together a covid timeline of my activities, you would find exercise to be non-existent and possibly a myth.

Cool @ studying communication in school. I'm actually considering pursuing my MA in Communication but I haven't decided yet.

I'm not sure if you are offering a DM here, but you're free to message me anytime. Maybe you can tell me more about the major. Just know I come and go regularly, so I apologize in advance if I don't respond immediately.

TC

 

[MisterBGone]

That’s awesome 👏... jusf awesome! 😎 (I don’t know why I can’t type. T-properly, but..?) // oh yeah! Heck yes... go ahead & feel free to pm me any time you like - jusf don’t have many great expectations on the quality (quantity, yes!) of the response. . : D I was really bad at the school in g aspect, my-self, though — but I did know a couple of people personally well who went on to graduate school, and one of them for sure started with the MA. And I guess how it goes (if memories not too foggy, is that if you don’t get accepted into a PhD program or whatever: assuming you’d even want to; then that’s what you’re left with, or something like that - in fact, possibly/potentially scratch that! Something else is occurring to me that is questioning the degree of accuracy to which that exists — down to the ‘t!’ Anyway.. _ (it would be “cool” To be called, ‘Master!’ Onward though. . .)

 

[MisterBGone]

Any yes! Isn’t it some/thing how that can be? Just something as simple as going outside and going for a walk (while not the most rigorous form of “exercise,” of course!)!can do such miraculous wonders to one’s mood. . . I think you are in the majority, more so than the minority, in terms of those who have failed to ‘keep up’ with their work out routines (really doesn’t help if you were used to using a “gym!”). There’s this Japanese-style garden/park, not far from where I live. I like to go there early in the morning (before it gets busy); & I’ve just only recently begun to do so, for the first time in probably close to two years! It’s been incredibly therapeutic—& very hard to describe, the positive benefits & impact it can ten d to have on my overall health & well being . . . (It’s like giving your—or letting your brain & mind, “breathe,” or something, as opposed to the stale static stark environment that we’ve all been a little to trapped in, as of late!)— ;^).

 

[MisterBGone]

Probably my favorite communication professor 👨‍🏫 was a Vietnam vet, who studied psych for his undergraduate, before getting his MA in comm! The stories he had to tell from his life, as well as his kind of “care-free,” attitude, combined with his sense of humor ...& overall ‘taste,’ in the things he chose to talk — or teach — about, were simply extraordinary. Amazing, amazing man! Who curiously, to me anyway, decided to home school his daughter. On paper, people don’t always make the most sense! but what do I know— & I only mention her or bring it up, because he mention her, or brought her up, about a half dozen times a lecture. . ; ) so funny 😆 though, that guy! One time, a student was letting all the distress of midterms or finals get to him - & for seemingly no reason at all - he snapped, out the blue & shouted or yelled at him: the good professor! “Why are we having to learn all this! Why are we doing this? When are w e ever going to have to use this (in the real world...)~” And he just smiled, paused, took a breathe & casually, non-threatening ly (didn’t exactly fire bacj, in spirit!) said, “oh yea! ‘Cause I’m more interested in the sauce our eyeballs floatin’ around in— ; ) ...that’s what really goin g to be applicable & of good use to me in every day life!) I think that that pretty well diffuse d the situation, and gave every one a good laugh! : )

 

[MisterBGone]

Glad to hear that you and your partner got back on the same page! (Not that I ever had any doubts. . : ) )_-*^•> ✌️