In many respects, I am doing better than I was in the past. Almost a year ago, I was having bad panic attacks, to the point where I thought I was dying or losing my mind. I got put on meds and I haven't had a panic attack since then. I haven't cut in so long I can't remember exactly when. Threw away my tools a long time ago. Don't drink every night, but still do it a few times a month. I am not constantly suicidal or overly negative like I used to be. So maybe I am doing better, or I have just numbed myself. My life is in a standstill. I want to do so much, but I am afraid to fail. I become happy and hopeful about things, and then they fall through. The more often that happens, the less I want to try again. No more rejection or bad feelings. But I want to be able to live my life. I can't even sleep at night. Can't shut my mind off long enough to do so. I've heard the opposite of living is not dying, it is apathy. So how do I know if I am doing better, or just too indifferent to care? How do I break out of this cycle?