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Am I doing better than I think? Or am I just a good actress?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Butterfly, Feb 1, 2015.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    This is probably an odd question to ask but I don't feel like I am doing as well as people seem to think. Don't get me wrong, I am 110% better than I was this time last year as I was extremely unwell, more stable and well into my recovery but still have a long way to go. As you may have read from my other posts I have suffered from psychosis and extreme paranoia of people for the past couple of months. This has improved significantly over the past couple of weeks however. I have had a few comments as of late saying how well I look and how much more happier I seem. This is true, as I am a lot happier than I have been for years, but at the same time as talking to these people and meeting them, inside my mind is screaming with suspicions and I am full of anxiety still and don't often feel like I am doing as well as I may come across. My moods are rapid cycling a little and feel very up one moment, then down the next. Nothing significant or unstable, not like proper mania or depression so I am struggling a little so can't see how people think I am doing well? Maybe I had not realised how ill I had been in the past and how I am now is a significant improvement. Just kind of have doubts when people are telling you how good you look and how well you are doing when you are having a mini crisis inside lol.
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    i think it s pleasant shock for you yourself that you re doing so well, so you question it.
    go with flow, let yourself be content<3
  3. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    We all put up a front when we interact with people. We all hide some of the things we feel and think, hiding our feelings is named/called being civilized. You are allowed to feel inside differently then what you show. You are doing good!
  4. Mermaid3011

    Mermaid3011 Member

    It could be a little bit of both.

    We have lived so long with masks of happiness that we really have learned to look happier than we are.
    On the other hand there is always that mistrust towards our own objectivity. At least that's what I feel. I am feeling better today than 4 days ago, but is it permanent or just a short glimpse of light. I am anxiously looking around me, waiting what's happening next. Waiting for the next storm to break loose.

    What I want to say is - you are doing better and people can see that! Amazing! You aren't quite recovered yet and still working on that "inside crisis" and that's completely normal too. It's like getting a cast off after breaking your leg and walking still hurts, so you limp a little. People don't see the cast, so they think you are recovered. What they can't see is the pain you feel when walking.
  5. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I don't think that it's that hard to fool people. Also, are you talking about just general interactions or casual conversation? As opposed to in depth interpersonal communication? If so, it can be very difficult to get an accurate read on somebody's mental state. I do understand the frustration though... Maybe it's a little bit like pushing a rock up a hill - getting well? In other words, you may be feeling slightly better than before, yet it is only relative. Is it possible to not analyze what others' intentions are when talking to you or being around you? Possibly not. But perhaps if you're able to somehow look at the situation objectively, or as another would (if you were advising somebody else in your shoes), you could ask yourself realistically if this person has any motive to mess with you? I don't know, I really don't... I wish I could help, but it's tough when you don't identify whole-heartedly with the experience. Which is not to say that I don't believe you. Simply that I've not had the same experience, so I'm guessing at best, and who's to say how educated that is! Anyway, good luck- p.s.) also, people may be saying how fantastic it seems you're doing, but it may be just like a polite thing to say (which is not to say that they think the opposite)... kind of like how when somebody asks you how it's going, and you say, just fine; even though you both don't necessarily mean it liteally
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I personally think that you are doing extremely well compared with last summer. In regards to the anxiety, I don't believe the anxiety level is set in stone to say how well you are doing. We just have to deal with it as it comes. While you may have some off days, to me I can honestly see improvement and maturity in regards to your condition and you questioning it is perfectly normal :) As for acting, like someone said we do all put on a front when faced with certain situations that make us paranoid or actions, perfectly normal :) All in all I think you are doing great, you go girl =)
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Maybe I am just over thinking things. My whole family have seen a difference in me, my friends, my work colleagues etc. I still get a lot of anxiety but it is manageable at present. It's just that sometimes when I am talking to people I can feel myself over compensating and I can't help it. A few times I've actually been really down and I've appeared bright and bubbly. This happens a lot at work. When I'm with my friends I do get a lot more anxious but I feel more myself, like it's okay to be a little anxious to start with then settle down as the day/night progresses. A big test for me was my friends wedding, I was chief bridesmaid and had to talk to a lot of people I'd never met before or spoken to in a long time. I did it but it made me feel very anxious and unsettled. I couldn't wait to get away from it all. I'm a little worried at the moment as I'm having thoughts of self harm. I don't know why because I don't feel particularly low or depressed or impulsive or self destructive. I'm rather confused by it and not sure what has brought it on.
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