Am I ever going to feel normal again?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sihuskyzoi, Jan 19, 2012.

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  1. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    Got a job offer. Should make me happy right? It should. But it doesn't. I just can't shake it. Those overwhelming negative thoughts that it doesn't matter. That nothing really matters. I'm just one more cog in the wheel. I can't seem to see any point in even trying. It's all just so pointless. Live.... die. What's the point? I feel like such a waste of space. I keep trying to be mindful. Just today, get through today. You can die tomorrow if you want, just get through this second, this minute, this hour. I just dont know why I can't just be done. Existence over.

    I've done things I'm proud of.... and things I'm not. Am I a good person? I've tried to be, but I don't know if I am. I'm just not sure anymore what the point to all this has been. I used to have dreams, goals, and hope for the future. I feel like I can see behind the curtain now. And I see the lies and garbage they force feed us. This is all I will ever be, yet this is not enough to want to exist. It's just not enough anymore.

    Check the yahoo site today. See the car dealership that gave an NBA star a Masarati for his birthday? That's this world in a nutshell. In this economy... with the lack of empathy and self care toward others it encompasses... this is the world we live in. This is who we are... even by passive support. How can this existence be enough for anybody?

    Some say the point is to "contribute". Really? I've worked since I was 15. I got degrees. I then worked two full time jobs for twelve years. I've sold my soul to "the man". Only to lose both jobs within a year of each other. To have more debt that I can't pay instead of less. To have ultra clear awareness of how much of life and opportunity and time I've let pass me by. And now here I am, just wondering why? What's the point? If you're in a dead end job, you start looking for something else, right? Well I'm in a dead end life. And I want to opt out now. I'm tired of feeling crazy and sad and hopeless. I want to opt out. So why haven't I yet? What's it gonna take to give me that final push?
     
  2. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I hope you'll feel better and start feeling somewhat normal again. However, there's no way to clarify what's normal and what isn't. I hope you take the job offer because today times are tough. I'm sorry that your having lots of negative thoughts right now :(. I seem to be plagued with them now a days - but I tend to over come them by venting. I believe your an awesome person :hug: you shouldn't think your not an awesome person because you are. It's great that your opening up your feelings here to maybe get some help. I'm here to emotional support you :hug: because your just as important as everyone else. Have you ever sought after professional help? Because sometimes that's the best approach to taking a final step - or push forwards - I'm currently trying to get into counseling here soon. Because I feel like I need the professional support. I can understand why you want to opt out because of your feelings. Do you feel alone right now? I'm sure that's one of the things your feeling. I feel alone most of the time. But with peer support it tends to help me. Continue sharing your feelings, because were here to emotionally support you. :hug:

    Trevor,
     
  3. Young suicider

    Young suicider Well-Known Member

    Yah I have wondered the same thing and I don't think it is Yes...unfortunatly I think it is permanant. I think you will always have moments of time where it will come back. It may not be severe moments or very often but I think you will always have times where you have it come back shortly
     
  4. Tmacster1

    Tmacster1 Well-Known Member

    I'll agree that it sticks around forever... There'll be good and bad moments. I tend to have bad moments when I'm in the middle of one of my mild depression modes which tends to make me worse off. However, I found help in the most unlikely places and it tends to help me get through my episodes. Hopefully there'll be more good moments where your not experiencing it as bad as the other times :hug:

    Trevor,
     
  5. sihuskyzoi

    sihuskyzoi Well-Known Member

    That just sounds so exhausting to me. I have to find a reason to fight. Yet one does not exist. We live. We die.
     
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