Got a job offer. Should make me happy right? It should. But it doesn't. I just can't shake it. Those overwhelming negative thoughts that it doesn't matter. That nothing really matters. I'm just one more cog in the wheel. I can't seem to see any point in even trying. It's all just so pointless. Live.... die. What's the point? I feel like such a waste of space. I keep trying to be mindful. Just today, get through today. You can die tomorrow if you want, just get through this second, this minute, this hour. I just dont know why I can't just be done. Existence over. I've done things I'm proud of.... and things I'm not. Am I a good person? I've tried to be, but I don't know if I am. I'm just not sure anymore what the point to all this has been. I used to have dreams, goals, and hope for the future. I feel like I can see behind the curtain now. And I see the lies and garbage they force feed us. This is all I will ever be, yet this is not enough to want to exist. It's just not enough anymore. Check the yahoo site today. See the car dealership that gave an NBA star a Masarati for his birthday? That's this world in a nutshell. In this economy... with the lack of empathy and self care toward others it encompasses... this is the world we live in. This is who we are... even by passive support. How can this existence be enough for anybody? Some say the point is to "contribute". Really? I've worked since I was 15. I got degrees. I then worked two full time jobs for twelve years. I've sold my soul to "the man". Only to lose both jobs within a year of each other. To have more debt that I can't pay instead of less. To have ultra clear awareness of how much of life and opportunity and time I've let pass me by. And now here I am, just wondering why? What's the point? If you're in a dead end job, you start looking for something else, right? Well I'm in a dead end life. And I want to opt out now. I'm tired of feeling crazy and sad and hopeless. I want to opt out. So why haven't I yet? What's it gonna take to give me that final push?