am i evil - is there any hope for me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by amievil, May 4, 2010.

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  1. amievil

    amievil New Member

    Hi all,
    There are some bad things that happened in my life. I can’t even think why I am living now.
    I am 25 was with a 32 old divorcee, lived together for 1.5 years, did not give her a commitment but poured heaps of love and gifts on her head. She was good girl who took care of me, looked for me and cared for me. She did not even talk to her friends when she was with me. We worked in the same office came home to her everyday day, slept in her arms and loved her way too much. Sometime we used to fight so bad that u thought I want to leave her.
    We parted ways and I thought to myself, I would be happy now. She told me she is actively searching for grooms. Within 3 weeks she told me she is getting married. All the time we used to speak everyday and never ever missed a day. One day she told me she is going to marry a guy and I asked her how can she do it in 3 weeks and she said all she wanted is someone to give me a commitment, she told me she wasted 1.5 yrs waiting for a commitment that I did not give. Somehow a rage came inside me,after seeing the guys photo, he looked good. The rage with alcohol and started calling her to the fact she changed the number and I emailed the new guy she was going marry, that I love her and want her back and he said, he does not want any part in this, they are marrying next week. He knows I was a nut case by then.
    I cut my wrist; everyone in my office knew I did that and pestering a girl who is marrying someone else.
    - Has anyone done so many bad things in their life more than me?
    - The guilt of what I did kills me, and also I lost my career.
    - Will god forgive me?
    This was the first girl in my life and I never had any other girl fiends. I have never cheated for money or anything of that sort.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2010
  2. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    Of course God will forgive you!

    The hard part is going to be forgiving yourself. But I pray you can. Just because you made a mistake, doens't mean that you can't get past it, and have a good life.

    Maybe you weren't ready for marriage yet. And obviously that is what your gf wanted. Maybe her age had something to do with it. All you can do now, is let her go on with her life, and start repairing yours.

    Have you seen a therapist to help you with the guilt/anger issues? Also, they may be able to help you stop cutting/self harming.

    You're worth saving, please remember that. And please keep talking to us.
  3. amievil

    amievil New Member

    everyone hates me. they removed me from their friend list.

    I cut my wrist only as a cry for help, so someone would take care of me. i did not contemplate suicide.

    Is the mistake i committed above equal to a murder or rape or is it even bigger?
  4. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    No, I don't think it is equal to murder or rape. But in any case, God forgives all sins.

    I'm glad your not contemplating suicide. If the cutting was a call for help, there are other ways. Tell someone you need help. Seek therapy, talk to a counselor, etc.

    You can't undo what was done. Now it's time to start rebuilding your life. If you have lost friends, now is a good time to start making new ones. Be the type of person who people would want as a friend. Someone who is there for others.

    Guilt is an emotion that strangles us, but doesn't do us or anyone else any good. If we have done wrong, we need to make amends. If someone else did wrong to us, then we need to heal.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Sounds like my current situation. I had a friend who I was very intimate with. We did not live together but we were basically a couple. The only thing I never did was make it official. I never gave her the one word she wanted, "Girlfriend". Now she left me for another. Now all I can do is think about how to get her back. I am her good friend and we still spend time together.

    Everyday I think of ways I can get her to cheat on this guy with me. Everyday I plot fantasize and give up. I am doing everything in my power to keep her close to me. She is doing everything in her power to put up a wall. I won't stop after she marries this guy. Even then if I don't kill myself I won't stop. Just like a psycho. I really love this girl, and I want to be with her. I know she loves me a lot too. She just wanted a boyfriend, an official boyfriend not what we had. So I will give that to her... once I break her up with this other guy.

    Even worse, I tell her that everyday I hope he breaks up with her so I can have her back. Everyday I feed her insecurity about being with this guy. Everyday I try to make her feel like he is going to leave her. Because I am the shittiest person on the planet.

    You are not evil, I am. I am a dark being who should be thrown back into the black pit where he came from.
  6. whywhy

    whywhy Active Member

    No, I don't think you are evil at all. What I do think is evil is someone just looking for commitment. However, sure you did some stuff that you regret. But I'm guessing that just happens to us all at some point. All we can do is learn from it and not to repeat the same mistakes.
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