I live in a little town. I used to live in a very large city and when I moved I went through quite a bit of culture shock. I fully realized my depression during this and confessed to my mother that I wanted to die. She practically turned her back to it and ignored the situation. Years later, the urge has never gone away. It's died down a little here and there but lately it grows. I've self-injured for years now though my scars are not nearly as bad as other's. I'm in a long-term, long-distance relationship. I've been with my love for 6+ years. We met online and he visited this past year for quite a few months. During this, I noticed my depression had decreased incredibly. I'm not sure if it was the love or if it was getting my mind off of it--but I did feel better. Lately things have turned sour. My love has gone back to his home and we've had a few spats. One of them consisted of women and one of them consisted of pornography. Through these spats I've found a new self-hate for myself and I am currently dropping weight like crazy in a very unhealthy way. He meant no harm (and this isn't his fault) but it has made me realize how unattractive I am and how hideous I feel. Never speak poorly about my partner. He is honestly a part of me and I take offense to anything negative directed toward him. I get very upset over things people say trying to help me but downing him so please keep that in mind. I've gone to college for awhile. I've taken some psychology courses and I've diagnosed myself properly with Borderline Personality Disorder. I fit it almost to a T, lacking only one or two of the criteria, I believe. I am currently living at home with a very controlling father and my siblings. I long to move away from this housing situation but I lack the money. Though I have recently found a job, I do not make nearly enough to be able to save up and eventually move any time soon. I am working part time, thinking of picking up another part-time job. My father suffers from depression. His father committed suicide. His mother was murdered. Lots of death surrounds my family and I feel like I have been sucked into this black hole of depression. Raped as a child, ignored by my own big sister, bullied by children at school. I grew up a loner. I even have a hate journal of myself that nobody has ever laid eyes on. Though I suffer incredibly, I am fairly decent at helping other people with problems. Music is my escape and has followed me through the years. I like to help others but rarely do I have that opportunity. I am clingy. I am lonely. I am scared. I am suicidal. I am me. Who are you?