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Am I in an abusive relationship? or me being drama queen?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by japanlover, Nov 18, 2011.

  1. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    I've looked at various websites, but don't know if its just me being dramatic about the situation or it's truly a nightmare.

    I'll use today as one of many examples.

    My wife wanted help into the door, i couldn't get to it right away because I was making dinner, I got there and she was already in and says nevermind. No big deal... but then she goes off, like she does, saying, "i wish i could come home and not do 50 million things. You left the blinds open on both windows, the curtain on the door wasn't right, and the blinds on the other window was left open. she looks at decoration she did in the window "did you do anything today?" The garlin in the window was messed up because of our cat. While fixing it states, "I wish I could just come home and dinner was ready." She is home around 7:35PM. You can't just stay home and stay in your cave, live life. I rebutted with "i do live life, you just blow up at everyone, shutting them down, YOU live life."

    For my honest story:

    She left for her 4 hour job at 2:30PM. I did a chapter of homework, 3:30PM. Watched a video 4PM, and fooled around on the internet 5PM. Looked up recipe for soup and cornbread. Went into the kitchen and found the corn meal had bugs :unsure: yuk! 5:30PM Went to the store and got everything for cornbread and came home. 6:00PM, started dinner. Took two hours to make dinner 8:00PM and cornbread was done by 8:30PM. Homemade cornbread and zucchini soup.

    She's been saying "live life" recently because I sleep in. I don't have a job, i look everyday, and apply every other day. But I can't sleep in till noon? What exactly am I having to do? I don't procrastinate on my homework, I do it. When i break something she originally owned, claims im the worst person in the world and did it because im lazy.

    She randomly complains about how I don't do anything around the house. Taking out the trash, making dinner, taking care of the cats, doing the dishes, and god forbid you have anything in the sink or she f-r-e-a-k-s out. I randomly vacuum, not once a week, but when i think it needs it, but she freaks out randomly when she thinks I haven't done it. I also clean the toilets. Not sure exactly what I don't do. Oh thats right. Her fish. :biggrin: I don't touch her fish tanks because I do all of this. She hates that so much. I also don't help her decorate. Last biggest thing was when i surprised her with a vacation that i planned on the fly, she complained the entire time because there was no schedule.

    Shut down when she does blow up and don't talk to her. There was one time I didn't talk to her for two days.

    I'd like someone or someones to ask me questions if they can't decide based on this. :acy:
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    How about sitting her down and asking her exactly what she wants done and who's job is who's?
    There is a lot of discontentment in her statements, perhaps she resents you being home?
    A talk to clear the air, might just solve the whole thing.
  3. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    She expects me to have a job and wants me to do everything. She does resent me for being home. But even when im not home and dinner isn't made on time she complains. I thought I would have dinner ready, but it took longer then I thought.

    So from your reply it seems I am lazy and being dramatic. A good reality check, looks like its time to change then.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    :dry: definetly time for a chat before this becomes relationship threatening.
    Stand your ground tho, you are temporarily out of work NOT her personal slave.
  5. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I have a suggestion; since you aren't working at the moment, ask her to make a list of daily things she would like done and schedule out your day according to this list, be sure to add in some personal time. Make it clear to her that you will not do EVERYTHING that needs done around the house though, don't let her take advantage of you.

    Also, try getting up at 10, instead of noon, and look for work. Even if it is part time min wage, it's something and I am assuming that's the kind of job she has as well from your post. When you apply for a job you really have to follow up, call after 3 days and ask to speak to a manager, ask them if they've had a chance to review your application; 9 times out of 10 they will say they haven't, so thank them for their time, and tell them you will check in with them in a few days, then 3 days later call again. Do this for several places and within 2 weeks you should have a job, even if it's just fast food; be diligent. Once you are working too you should both sit down and schedule out the household chores, equally between the two of you.

    You need to tell her that she can't talk down to you like that, that you deserve respect or she can cook her own damn supper, I know that sounds mean but you are not a dog and do not deserve to be treated as such, stand up for yourself hon.
  6. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    Her reply to that is she shouldn't have to tell me what to do...

    I've applied everywhere and when you do follow up, they drop your application straight into the garbage. I tried explaining this to my wife and others.

    Government jobs do NOT want you to call them, they even specify in the directions that they don't want you to call or it is a failure to follow directions and your application will be dropped.

    When I follow up on professional positions, even call centers, voicemail... day 2 voicemail.... day 3 voicemail...

    fast food and walmart like companies. apply... nothing. apply call.. we are currently accepting applications.... call... ask for a manager.. we are currently accepting applications. See a trend here?

    temp agencies. a joke. Serious.

    Now you can't get mad or they will remember you and NEVER hire you.

    It's not like I haven't applied for work. I've applied to hundreds of jobs HUNDREDS. I can bust out my email and notes to prove it. When I first was out of work, I applied to every-single-job possible. 100 in a week was my record.

    Now that isn't to say I haven't avoided jobs like sales or cashier. I can't do those jobs. I am trying to find a job I won't get fired from.

    Most of the time when it gets really bad, like her not stopping, i just walk away and come back later. Last time i walked out we were leaving a restaurant and I walked the whole five miles home.
  7. lycoris

    lycoris Well-Known Member

    See i was a bit like that with my ex but that was because according to him it was all womens work even though i worked 9am til 7pm 6 days a week and had to do everytjing at home while he sat laughing at the tv and caling me names.

    I agree with everything said.

    Just a thought, get up early one day and totally clean the house from top to bottom. See if she finds somethibg to moan about. She might just be feeling unappreciated
  8. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, it sounds like you are struggling in this economy and living with someone who, like my husband, thinks working a part time job gives them the right to act superior.
    She may be stressed over money issues right now, but that still doesn't give her the right to nitpick over every little thing :/
  9. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    I'll do you both one better. I actually work full time in a shitty profession and I am the sole financial provider, and my gf (we live together) still gives me shit the way the OP's partner does. It's not enough I work full time, give her all my money, provide for her, and derivatively to her children. I also clean the house top to bottom every week, wash dishes. But god forbid I forget to take out the recycling, or ask her to fix me a plate of food for dinner. Then I want to be waited on hand and foot all the time, or so I'm told. Sigh.
  10. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry :( I don't know what it is, but some women seem to feel as though they are far superior to their partners and it kinda makes us all look bad.

    My husband works a part time, minimum wage job and the moment he gets home from work he gets on his computer game, plays it till the moment he goes to bed. I do all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing, I'm even raising my stepson. He does nothing to help me. We finally came to an agreement that he would only play his game from 4-7, so now he comes in from work around noon, takes a nap till 4, plays till 7 and then lays on the couch till 930 when he goes to bed :( I serve him like a damn waitress but on the rare occasion that he cooks because I'm too sick to do it myself he yells through the house for me to come fix the plates, then after supper leaves the dirty dishes for me to wash.
  11. BK_Jetsfan

    BK_Jetsfan Well-Known Member

    Wow. That really sucks. How many kids, if you don't mind my asking. It's so weird to me that people don't get the concept of a PARTNERSHIP when it comes to the relationship. People are so comfortable with just letting one person do everything. It's funny, I live in such fear that my gf will leave me that I try to do everything, and it still seems like that is never enough.
  12. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    delete me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 19, 2011
  13. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    I agree with what almost everyone else has said.

    I don't think it's abusive… conflict is always going to occur and it's pretty natural when it does. And if you back down instead of facing it, the other person is going to get frustrated.

    I had a friend who would blow up at me as well… the best way to deal with it was to speak in a low, calm voice, be sympathetic and supportive, and try not to let what she's saying get to you.

    If you really are doing everything right then she really has no grounds to complain-- but if you probably could be doing a lot more to help yourself/the household and aren't, then you should probably start doing it.
  14. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    :nerd: from my calculations, i am being a drama queen. thanks a lot guys/gals! :laugh::lol!:

    I would say, i've been trying to change to what my wife likes. Maybe it will make me a better person and I can finally create that hyperspace drive I wanted.:huh:
  15. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I dont think you are being a drama queen in any sense.
    And changing to suit someone is never a good move cos you wont be able to keep it up.
    Surely the person she fell in love was you and not some facsimile, so maybe a bit of romance might be on the cards to remind her of just who she fell in love with.
  16. japanlover

    japanlover Well-Known Member

    darn it why wouldn't it be an easy blame me and it's my fault. Romance never works when you're nearly homeless. :zombie:
  17. BrinkOfExistence

    BrinkOfExistence Well-Known Member

    If i was in your situation (i'm not saying you should do this) I'd tell her to stop treating me like shit, i do everything you ask regardless if you think otherwise and if you don't starting treating me like someone who is suppose to love me or at least respect me the same way i respect you, then i'll be handing you divorce papers because i don't need someone in my life who is making me feel like shit everyday.
    If there's one thing i learnt about relationships is, if your unhappy and you and your partner can't come to a compromise in which you both end up happy then you should leave, it would be better for both of you in the long run.
  18. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    I sort of agree with this.

    But if you are married, then it isn't always about the way you feel-- it's about doing your best to maintain the relationship. The whole 'do what I want you to do or I QUIT' attitude isn't something I can get behind… people can change, but you can't MAKE someone change… you can only explain yourself and hope that you can find a solution.

    Definitely communicate, but don't take the position that you are always right or that anyone is wrong, and don't start making demands… and don't just passively change to suit whatever you think the other person expects of you.

    You have to learn how to grow and get through things together… the only time there's a problem is when someone gets frustrated and doesn't want to find the solution.
  19. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Yeah, financial considerations can make some romantic things difficult. But most women like little things like holding hands, watching a movie on TV snuggled up close, a quiet at-home dinner by candlelight, a walk in a park at sunset. You could even leave little sticky notes that say "I love you" on the mirror for her. Small stuff that doesn't cost the earth.

    I also agree with others that it's time to really clear the air with her. She may be frustrated in general, and your work situation is just an "easy" target, a convenient reason to gripe. I hope you work things out with her. :hug:
  20. BrinkOfExistence

    BrinkOfExistence Well-Known Member

    There's a difference in trying to change someone and asking someone to treat you with respect, this guy has already said he's given his best and she still isn't happy, clearly the relationship isn't working and in my opinion you shouldn't have to make a relationship work it should just work naturally, you say you shouldn't expect someone to change but that's exactly what his wife wants him to do because she's not happy with the way he's living his life right now. Like i said if someone is making you unhappy by the way they are treating you then why stay with them?