Am I Just Adding To The Story

At AA, whenever a firsttimer comes in, we have what is called a 1st step meeting. We each take turns and tell our stories.

Am I just adding to mine.

When I am 60, will I be sitting around the tables, telling my 1st step story to some newcomer and part of that will be the time when my wife and I got back together. And how living on pins and needles eventually drove me back to the drink?

I dunno.

Maybe. It is possible.

Perhaps if that day comes when I am once again out on the "streets"...perhaps then I will finally end my pain.
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Fuck it. Tonight I am going to start work on my final chapter tonight. After my part time job tonight, I am gonna go get hammered and then come home drunk to show my wife who I really am.

 

What's that going to accomplish? It's just going to set you back.

Don't hurt yourself just to prove a point. It's not worth it; you're way better than that.

You've been posting messages about how you want to help people continue their fight to live. But you have to fight for your own life too. Don't just throw everything away.

 

I know. But you know, I just get discouraged sometimes.

I will prolly just go home, pretend everything is ok, go to work. Come back home...try to figure out this problem I am having converting youtube audio into a mp3 and then burning that onto a cd, and then go to bed.

 

You shouldn't have to pretend everything is okay if it isn't.

You probably won't see this until Monday, but if you're still stuck on converting YouTube audio, let me know. I've got a program that can do it.

 

Don't hide your feeling talk them threw with therapist if you can keep things out open at least with therapist so you dont' go crazy Don't loose sight on how much you have accomplished take care.

 

Bill you have worked so hard and have come to a point of frustration that is like hitting a brick wall. You will eventually break through. Please don't give in to the temptations before you do. Don't mask what you are feeling. It makes things worse. You will get over this bump in the road (I am sure it feels much bigger than a bump). We are here and listening. And sending caring thoughts your way. :hug:

 

as you know from being in AA, we wear many masks to cover up what is truley inside. you also know im sure, that isnt the way to do things. because it can and will bring up stinkin thinkin.

if the wife is the cause of your stress ... why do you allow yourself to stay there ?
your allowing yourself to be wide open and you know it. you did what you did to get sober and stay that way. it took alot and you know that too.
dont allow something .... YOU CAN CHANGE.... to screw u up.

 

Yeah... it's easy to see when you look at and think about others doing it, but I never catch myself: pretending everything is ok is awful. It's introverting and isolating. The trick is to find a way to express how you feel that isn't harmful, I guess.

God, I sound like a tract or something. But... it's obvious from this angle. And as ever, knowing what you should do, for your own good, is different from being able to do it.

 

i do understand that last sentence.

remember when you tried to quit the booze ? at first its always easy .. we can do it. then we try ... its difficult. we dont think we can go through with it. in our mind, we believe it will be hopeless ... but you proved yourself wrong didnt you ?
everything is easier said than done. so was quitting drinking. there was alot at stake. same thing holds true for this. when the time comes .. hopefully not to late .... you decide to move on and rebuild YOU and your life ... there will be alot at stake as well. there will be steps you have to take. each one will take effort and desire ... FOR YOU. as you well know, its not needing to .. its wanting to with the desire to do so.
i hope you find your way this time as well, before you allow yourself to take to many steps backwards. its about you.