Am I Just Covering All My Bases?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Usernamehere, Jan 29, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Usernamehere

    Usernamehere New Member

    Short History:
    I'm mid 30's. I've had suicidal thoughts since I can remember - in grade school, and I can remember plans from high school. It's almost seemed part of my life.

    Started seeing my doctor about depression 6-8 years ago, been on several anti-depressants for probably 5-6 years. I've had my Zoloft increased in the last year, and think it may happen again. I attribute the last increase to weight gain, probably will need to again as I've put on 25-30 lbs in the last year.

    Been thinking/planning/preparing to end my life for so long that it doesn't even hit me as odd when I start thinking about it again.

    A co-worker had suggested a writing activity to help figure out career goals, but when I started that it turned to a "I want to be dead" theme and seems to have stayed there. Been using a journal the last week or so since I started that.

    So, covering my basis/looking for help...maybe that's what I'm doing. I've contacted some therapists and will try and setup an appointment this week. I called my doctors office (as they cover a wide range of treatments), but the therapist there was booked out at least 10 days, so started looking for more...figured I'd post here.

    I've started engaging in more self destructive behaviors as well. At least that's where I think I'm doing.

    So this post has turned out to be longer and more of a rant than I first intended, but hey...your choice to read. I type better than I write, so better here than pulling out that journal again. Wife'd probably think it odd I was scribbling since she knows I can't read my own righting.

    Okay, where was I? Right...I've read the waring signs, looked at rationalizations and thought through a lot. Would my family be better off without me? Well, financially probably - I still need to check my life insurance (and we're looking at upping it before the rates go up this year anyway), but I think the suicide clause was only a 2 year thing, plus plans obviously don't include it to necessarily be viewed as a suicide.

    Part of tough marriage. Wife said over the summer if it wasn't for the kids she'd have left. My folks were divorced and I don't want to have my kids deal with that. Not to mention the financial hardships. Is death better? Probably. What's next? Right...I married someone that I clicked well with. We complimented each other and get along well. The sex was never great and she was never really that into it. I figured that the physical part of the relationship should really be a minor piece. 8 years later, I'm regretting that. I've tried finding partners to help satisfy those needs. A fantasy of mine is that my wife has an affair just so I'm free to do the same. Sex maybe every 6 weeks? Not really doing it for me.

    I'm finding I want that physical connection, but also a bit of emotional. I've hooked up with a guy a bunch, but that was really just physical. I've gone to a couple of "massage" sessions over the last year or 2 but didn't really feel that was working for me. Recently found someone who does "massage" sessions...we've actually been trading (no money exchanging) as I've done some work for her. Anyway, point is I think I really want a girlfriend. Someone to connect with. The other day we were doing some work (for her business), and I asked her just to cuddle for a bit while we talked. Yeah, I know that these sessions are not always only about sex, but that's what I needed. Where the hell am I going with this? I keep thinking there is this 3-6 month horizon, or 2-4 weeks depending on my planning where I want to have a bunch of good sex and then well, off myself.

    So the whole covering my bases thing is sort of a rationalization I guess. "Okay, I've played by all these 'rules' that someone has decided is how we should live, and still made the choice that I don't want to be around". So I think that's where I'm going.

    Since I'm not going back to proof read this, if you've read it Either your truly interested, board out of your mind, or I should write that novel I someone think would be so easy. Okay, done...Oh, there's more...uh time. maybe.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    well i read it all and i am sorry you are in a relationship that has fallen out of love. any chance of getting marriage councilling to help there

    how can say it would be better if you left my god you would be setting your children up for doing the same thing passing on a suicidal trait and leaving them in total despair and anquish wondering why their father did not love them enough to stay.

    well infidelity part if you feel their is no hope for marriage then it is best for all to divorce your children wil be harmed either way. just statistics say this

    i hope you can try to mend your marriage your life and i hope you get help for your suicidal ideation try new meds wellbutrin works well for me but don't give up okay hugs to you.
  3. Usernamehere

    Usernamehere New Member

    Well, I'm on Wellbutrin as well as zoloft and deplin. Xzanax as need to help the not being able to settle down part. Ive been told that kids have a higher rate of suicide if a parent has done it. Part of why I dont just put a gun to my head. Shit happens and so if I am just one of the statistics in a traffic fatality, botched mugging, home repair gone bad or other...well that solves that issue.
    Ther are some good moments but i know its just fleeting till i go back to the grind with no end in sight. Its not agoraphobia but someone antisocial behavior. Just dont want to be around people or friends. The most alone time is sitting on the crapper and hoping neither child decides to join me. Its not that i dont want to be around them but I'd rather sleep and turn on the tv than be a "good" parent. Say what you want about not caring but a good chunk of my drawbacks are because of the environment I was raised in. They have support and dont need the negative.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Again the not wanting to be around other people even family is a part of depression treat depression and this emotion will go away i hope you get in to see your doctor to see what meds are available to help you hugs
  5. Usernamehere

    Usernamehere New Member

    Drugs are just going to mask the symptoms. I knowthey helped to some extent with my anger issues - where I was constantly angry - driving, going out, working out, shopping...I'm not as angry since starting the drugs but there's still a lot of anxiety. I get frustrated and or stressed easily and coming down - i just snapped at my 5 year old, slammed my hand on the counter because he's arguing with his 3 year old sister. Just going to put another show on for them since I just dont want or cant deal with it. I just spent i dont know 20 or 30 min working on a homework project with them and it was all i could do to not just tell them to just let me do it. I know they dont have theattention span and need the right prompting but im not dealing with it right. When i get done with this ill go take a xanax (probably 2).

    I just cant unwind once im spun up. my wife is catching up onsome work so she will come out of the office and I will either snap at whatever it is she has to complain about or ignore her so I dont... Ether way she'll be pissed. She's noticed that ive reverted...been sleeping more during the day and not interested in beingaround anyone. Last night with friends over after putting the kids to sleep i hung out upstairs just cause i didnt wa t to participate in any conversation or be around anyone. At least as long as I thought no one would notice.

    Life is stupid and pointless. Choices I've made have been wrong. I know that and im fucked with whatever i do. Im trying to screen two or three therapists tomorrow... But I feel like Im doing that justo say i did. Do i like being depressed? Do i want to get better?

    I feel like I'm doing all this just to say I did. Writting a journal - well the days im not writing it here- setting up dr and theapist appointments all of it. At the end of the day I still dont see whats there for me? Dont tell me family. Dont tell me people love and care about me. That doesnt change being miserable. That doesnt change that for me its not working. Im supposed to hang around for a slow, drawn out death after another 30-40 years of working my ass off feeling like im scraping to getby - the fact is, i make good money, but you live to your means, right? It's not spent on me (at least i dont see it though my spouse doesnt hesitate to tell me i get whatever i want). Choices ive made. Two kids, house, private school wtf? So im trapped? The insurance would take care of everyone financially. Plus my wife works and does well. So i dont see fuck. Im yelling now at the kids. I cant seem to do anything. They will be fine eithout me. Im not the best influence or example. I dont beat them i may spoil them whatever. Guess i need to take someone to the potty now. Choices right? Fuck choices
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I wish I had the problem of only getting sex once every six weeks.:sigh:

    :cool: Anyway back on topic. I know where you are coming from, I really do. Four years ago I was doing the same thing. I was getting everything ready so that way I could kill myself when I graduated college. The plan was to have everyone find me in my room after wonder where I was and would find me dead in my room. In the end I wussed out..... for more than one reason.

    Personally I think writing down a career path will do more damage then good. The question you need to ask yourself is are you where you want to be? Where do you want to go? Personally I am pretty happy where I am, career wise. I make enough to keep me in a place to live, and I have minimal responsibility. Are you where you want to be?

    Personally I think your wife is the most destructive force in your life. She flat out told you she did not want to be with you and she probably gets laid more often than you. She is a constant reminder of your failure emotinally and sexually. If you and your wife are not at least pretending to be a happy couple, what is the point of being together. Chances are that just being together is just as bad if not worse for your kids. I think you need to get away from your wife.

    I hope this helps. >_< if you want to give a poor kid advice on how to get laid or just want someone to vent too, feel free to PM me.
  7. Usernamehere

    Usernamehere New Member

    Is it sugar? Does that fuck me up? A xanax when i got home another mayve 40 min ago and im starting to stop going crazy? My journal is unradable the way i was flying through it and decided to switch to my ipad since icant or wont type as hard. Though my grammer and typing sucks. Would use the laptop but that decided to crash when i tried to load a movie for the kids. How much tv is too much for them? When icant or dontwantto deal with them?
    So yeah, decided on a therapist and maybe for the wrong reasons but at least I'll be taking those steps. How long have I got? 3 weeks? 3 months? I want long enough to try the therapy thing, I'll call my primary and set an appointment to see him too this wwek if I can get my hands on a UV light and I'll I want is to fuck a hooker? Is that fucked up? I want to actually have good sex and then be done? Oh yeah, life insurance. Right cause this blog wont get subpeniaed (good spelling, right?) and cause all sorts of fucking trouble regardless of how it happens or looks. "gee, what was he doing in thT part of town at 2:00 with wads of cash falling out of his pocket with a t-shirt of racial slurs?". Or really? Didn't see that concrete piller there with a fraid seatbelt? Was he ever into that kind of kinky stuff before?

    Is eating yourself to death a form of suicide? How about falling terribly out of shape and then suddenly working out or running a marathon? Oh yeah, he was training for that triatholon but he never seemed to put much time in swimming. We were all wondering why he was out drinking the night before.

    Its fucking stupid. Life is a waste of space. We do this shit for what ends? The experience? If the experience or journey or whatever you want to call it is ugly and painfull 95% of the time and that 5% doesn't make up for it... Point? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.