Short History: I'm mid 30's. I've had suicidal thoughts since I can remember - in grade school, and I can remember plans from high school. It's almost seemed part of my life. Started seeing my doctor about depression 6-8 years ago, been on several anti-depressants for probably 5-6 years. I've had my Zoloft increased in the last year, and think it may happen again. I attribute the last increase to weight gain, probably will need to again as I've put on 25-30 lbs in the last year. Been thinking/planning/preparing to end my life for so long that it doesn't even hit me as odd when I start thinking about it again. A co-worker had suggested a writing activity to help figure out career goals, but when I started that it turned to a "I want to be dead" theme and seems to have stayed there. Been using a journal the last week or so since I started that. So, covering my basis/looking for help...maybe that's what I'm doing. I've contacted some therapists and will try and setup an appointment this week. I called my doctors office (as they cover a wide range of treatments), but the therapist there was booked out at least 10 days, so started looking for more...figured I'd post here. I've started engaging in more self destructive behaviors as well. At least that's where I think I'm doing. So this post has turned out to be longer and more of a rant than I first intended, but hey...your choice to read. I type better than I write, so better here than pulling out that journal again. Wife'd probably think it odd I was scribbling since she knows I can't read my own righting. Okay, where was I? Right...I've read the waring signs, looked at rationalizations and thought through a lot. Would my family be better off without me? Well, financially probably - I still need to check my life insurance (and we're looking at upping it before the rates go up this year anyway), but I think the suicide clause was only a 2 year thing, plus plans obviously don't include it to necessarily be viewed as a suicide. Part of it...is tough marriage. Wife said over the summer if it wasn't for the kids she'd have left. My folks were divorced and I don't want to have my kids deal with that. Not to mention the financial hardships. Is death better? Probably. What's next? Right...I married someone that I clicked well with. We complimented each other and get along well. The sex was never great and she was never really that into it. I figured that the physical part of the relationship should really be a minor piece. 8 years later, I'm regretting that. I've tried finding partners to help satisfy those needs. A fantasy of mine is that my wife has an affair just so I'm free to do the same. Sex maybe every 6 weeks? Not really doing it for me. I'm finding I want that physical connection, but also a bit of emotional. I've hooked up with a guy a bunch, but that was really just physical. I've gone to a couple of "massage" sessions over the last year or 2 but didn't really feel that was working for me. Recently found someone who does "massage" sessions...we've actually been trading (no money exchanging) as I've done some work for her. Anyway, point is I think I really want a girlfriend. Someone to connect with. The other day we were doing some work (for her business), and I asked her just to cuddle for a bit while we talked. Yeah, I know that these sessions are not always only about sex, but that's what I needed. Where the hell am I going with this? Right...so I keep thinking there is this 3-6 month horizon, or 2-4 weeks depending on my planning where I want to have a bunch of good sex and then well, off myself. So the whole covering my bases thing is sort of a rationalization I guess. "Okay, I've played by all these 'rules' that someone has decided is how we should live, and still made the choice that I don't want to be around". So I think that's where I'm going. Since I'm not going back to proof read this, if you've read it all...wow. Either your truly interested, board out of your mind, or I should write that novel I someone think would be so easy. Okay, done...Oh, there's more...uh eh...next time. maybe.