Am I just fighting a losing battle??

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by k_pressy, May 9, 2009.

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  1. k_pressy

    k_pressy Well-Known Member


    Well its been a while since I wrote here, again. I'm feeling pretty rubbish at the moment. I'm back on Fluoxetine, which I thought was working, but i've been feeling pretty crappy for a while now so i'm not sure if I need my dosage upping. Again.

    I just feel like with whatever I do i'm fighting a losing battle. I'm back at the point where I can't be bothered with anything or anyone, I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone, I don't want to go out and have fun. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to be around. I go to work, I come home, and I shut myself in my room.
    Take tonight for example. It's a Friday night. And here I am, sat in my room, same as last week, doing nothing but listening to music. And to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way. Because right now nothing would irritate and upset me more than being around people, other people that can see my flaws and weaknesses unless I stick on my happy face. I'm so fed up with having to wear this fake smile, having to laugh when all I want to do is sit alone and cry, scream, shout. But somehow, no matter how bad I feel, life still has to go on to please others. So I have to wear my mask and put up with it.

    I just wish this feeling would go. I'd love to have a day of feeling like a normal person...I haven't felt like that for years, and i'd love to know how it feels to wake up and actually feel nothing. To just feel 'OK' and be able to go out and smile and not have all these thoughts in my head. And not feel down about everything. But hey, thats dysthymia for you.

    Can anyone explain to me what the conventional 'OK' is? I'd love to hear how a 'normal' person feels throughout one day. Because I guess pretty much everyone on here wakes up feeling bad, spends their whole day feeling bad and goes to bed feeling bad. And we then just repeat the circle the next day. But how do others feel? Do they wake up with absolutely nothing going on in their head? If they're left alone to think, do they think about happy things or sad things? How different are they from us? I know that when i'm left alone with absolutely nothing to distract me, I think of everything wrong in my life, wrong with the world itself, wrong with me and how the only way to stop feeling like this is to not be here anymore. Do they ever feel the same??

    Well thats my rant. Hope it made sense. Just typed down everything as it came into my head.

    thanks for taking the time to read it.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Perhaps your going through a phase? Like for example: One month your out with your friends, content and doing various things. Next month your staying in, not around your friends, etc.
  3. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    How long have you been on the medication for?

    I know you said back on Fluoxetine again, so I'm assuming you have been on it before? However, just because it helped last time doesn't mean it will work this time around so you may need your med changed instead of increasing the dosage. Best to talk it over with your Doctor.

    I hope brighter days come your way soon :hug:. xx
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    duplicate post :huh:
    Last edited by a moderator: May 9, 2009
  5. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    I tried upping my dose of Fluoxetine from 20mg to 40mg, all it did was make me sick unfortunately. Sadly anti-depressants aren't a miracle cure, they need you to make them work, just like a bike needs you to peddle to make it move.

    I have no idea how normal people feel, but I have just been on the phone with my friend who I have always thought of as normal, telling me her boyfriend slapped her around this evening.
    The other day another friend told me she was going to lose her job because she was apparently not working within the guidelines, and after that another friend told me the reason she always flirts with men and other peoples boyfriends is because she doesn't know how to act around guys.

    So if that's normal - then what the hell are we?

    I don't think any of them wake up feeling happy, safe, contented every single day. They have their bad patches, just like we do I guess. I suppose ours just last longer and our struggle is more difficult
    I've posted on this forum MANY times just screaming out WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL?! and people have always told me the same thing "there is no normal. You look at everybody being happy and content but you don't see their inner turmoil. they just deal with their problems better than we can".
    I suppose I might put it down to sensitivity on my own part personally, other peoples words cut deep and my upbringing is testament to that.
    Being mentally abused for years by my parents took it's toll and eventually you believe what people call you.

    You're allowed to not feel like everybody else, because you are not everybody else.

    I don't know if this will help at all, but maybe write down one by one each thing that has brought you to the place you are. Each thing that causes you to be depressed. Each thing that grates. Each thing you hate. Make them into points 1 to however many. Start at no.1 and attack it head on. Even if it takes all of your strength. I'm trying to do this now and it's painful, and somedays I want to give up and just hide in my room and cry but I'll keep attacking it until something changes.

    I hope it helps x
  6. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I think most of the others out there are on auto-pilot. They wake up, groom, go to work, come home, chit chat with the spouse, say g'night to the kids, go to bed, set the alarm...then repeat, forever, until they retire.

    Then they do the same thing without the work and kids, and maybe throw in a game of cards, unless they're rich and do some travelling. I can hardly wait!:blink:
  7. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I think most of the others out there are on auto-pilot. They wake up, groom, go to work, come home, chit chat with the spouse, say g'night to the kids, go to bed, set the alarm...then repeat, forever, until they retire.

    Then they do the same thing without the work and kids, and maybe throw in a game of cards, unless they're rich and do some travelling. I can hardly wait!:blink: For those of us at SF, we get the extra added bonus of having to deal with various psychological and/or medical issues.

    I still think there's hope, maybe a miracle drug of some kind.:smile:
  8. k_pressy

    k_pressy Well-Known Member

    thanks for the replies.

    I have been on fluoxetine before, was up to 60mg and it was still only just working. I'm wondering if I have become immune to these.

    Have also been on citalopram, venlafaxine and sertraline, all of which had no effect whatsoever.

    I would love for a miracle drug to come along that wipes out all depression, it would be amazing. But sadly we still have to plod along until this day comes.

    Its just the feeling of not being bothered that I can't handle at the moment. I really don't have the motivation to do anything. It seems to take all of my strength just to get out of bed and go to work, let alone actually do anything there.

    But thanks for the support. I'll be making an appointment to see my doctor next week, so if I can get up the momentum to come back on here then i'll let you all know how it went.

  9. k_pressy

    k_pressy Well-Known Member

    Well. I never made that doctors appointment.

    Couldn't sum up the courage or the energy to actually phone them.

    Just seems like its all getting worse at the moment. Everything is just getting me down. And when the people that you look to for support and help are pretty useless at being supportive it doesn't give me much hope.

    I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now, so by now you would've thought he understood I have a clinical illness. So imagine how special I felt when, after meeting me from work, part drunk on saturday night, he turned around and said 'I hate depressed people'.

    He's said that he didn't mean it the way it came out. But I can't help feeling like he must just think I put all this on for attention or something.
    But how could someone who is supposed to love you, be there for you and support you say something like that?! I've been depressed for 6 fucking years, NOT THROUGH CHOICE!!!!

    And whenever I try to talk to him, all he can focus on is what is said about me and him and our relationship. Its like he couldn't give a shit about all the other stuff that gets me down. The conversation tends to go like this -
    Me - "I'm really fed up at the minute, i've realy had enough"
    Him- "Well whats wrong? Tell me"
    Me - "Just everythings going shit, i'm getting really stressed out at work, things aren't right between you and me, my dad owes me money, I can't look in the mirror without feeling like a complete disgusting failure, and I just want to be happy for a change"
    Him - "Well whats wrong with you and me?"
    *I then explain what I feel is going wrong*
    Him - "But you know I love you don't you"
    Me - "Yeah but it doesn't stop me feeling like crap and it doesn't make the other things go away"
    Him - "I know...bu I love you"
    *End of conversation...not by my choice*

    So how am I meant to feel? Am I meant to feel like he cares just cos he tells me he loves me? Because right now I really don't.

    Ah well. Thats all I can deal with writing at the moment. And plus, Ghostbusters is on :massbounce:

    Thanks for reading.
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