It's getting more and more frequent now that I think I'm lying to myself. That I'm making up the "abuse" that happened to me as a child. That never happened. Why they still be in my life if it did? I wouldn't be able to have them in my life if it did. Why would I make that up? Am I making it up? I'm paranoid at night now. I keep seeing things. Seeing things in my head and convincing myself it's going to happen. So much that I nearly get reduced to tears. I'm fucking fat too and it's vile. Fucking eating is absolutely unnecessary yet I still do it. I'm disgusting. I lost weight and it looks like I've just put more on. I'm sick of this!! I've gone from being a size 8/10 to a size 14 in the past year and it hurts. I need to run again but it hurts too much to do it. It feels like I'm being eaten from the inside out. Miserable all the time. I don't want to be miserable all the time again.