Am I meant to be alone?

[Snake on the Moon]

Lately I've been feeling that there is no point to hoping for a steady relationship. I'm glad that I didn't end up with any of my exes, none of those would have been healthy. (Drugs, alcoholic, narcissist, neglect/verbal abuse. In case you were wondering.)

While it's nice to imagine finding someone, I really don't think it's possible. My personality type is INFP, and I have lack of faith in finding someone that understands me. Even now, I can list so many that misinterpret me. My cousins husband hates me,even more when I try to be nice. I don't get it. At work I say something or share something and most of the time I'm belittled, or worse, completely ignored. I can barely manage to find quality friends and keep them, let alone finding a steady relationship.

My interests are incredibly diverse, and finding someone that can keep up with me? "Good luck" my inner critic says. I love concerts and music festivals, hiking, canoeing, traveling, walking around shopping districts, animation, painting, reading, staring at the stars at night, the list goes on.

When I'm with someone, I've usually "given up" some of this to accommodate the other person because they've wished me to, we don't have the money/time, they don't enjoy it, many reasons.

I'm tired of doing everything I can to make it work, only to end up breaking up. And why should I change who I am? Why settle for someone that can't handle me as I am? I'm so conflicted. Giving up relationships seems freeing, yet somehow I cling to the fact that I feel so incredibly alone and crave a person to share all these awesome things with.

It hurts.

 

[may71]

My cousins husband hates me,even more when I try to be nice. I don't get it. At work I say something or share something and most of the time I'm belittled, or worse, completely ignored

I'm sorry that people are so mean to you, especially since they're mean when you're trying to be nice to them. Idk, I guess some people like to be mean to other people, and really the less you deserve it, the more they target you.

My interests are incredibly diverse, and finding someone that can keep up with me?

It's nice to have common interests, but you don't necessarily have to have a partner who shares most or really any of them. As long as you are both ok with having some time apart, it might not be a problem.

Giving up relationships seems freeing, yet somehow I cling to the fact that I feel so incredibly alone and crave a person to share all these awesome things with

I think it's good not to give up if you really want a relationship, while at the same time understanding that your life doesn't have to revolve around romantic relationships.

Hugs

 

[Snake on the Moon]

It's nice to have common interests, but you don't necessarily have to have a partner who shares most or really any of them. As long as you are both ok with having some time apart, it might not be a problem.

It would be so nice. So far I've had to cater to them because of trust issues, basically. I do enjoy spending quality time with my partner, but if they don't share similar interests that becomes difficult. If not, having some independent time to do the things I enjoy would be wonderful! I still doubt that someone that perfect, who would give me that freedom and also quality time with each other, exists.

I think it's good not to give up if you really want a relationship, while at the same time understanding that your life doesn't have to revolve around romantic relationships.

Thank you, that helps me feel like it's not so crazy to feel that way.

 

[MisterBGone]

Hey there, I know it’s not the same thing as out there in the real world, as it is in here; this, “fantasy land,” or ‘Matrix’ - if you will. . . but from what I’ve seen, and from what I have witnessed of you, you don’t seem anything like the negative reactions you’ve been unfortunately receiving. And on the romance, or romantic relationship side of things, I wonder if all of these flawed individuals you’ve been involved with have skewed your perception as to what is possible in a positive, healthy one? One that enhances, and lifts you up... as opposed to the reverse! And speaking of some of your ex’s characteristics, shall we say, you’ll have to show me where I can go to sign up for some of those gratuities & otherworldly perks!! I’m just teasing and messing with you, which I probably shouldn’t do, outside of the game room. It is interesting though, somethjng you’d mentioned above, reminded me of someone I was hanging out with. And when I first started going to dinner with her on a regular basis. I’d ask her where she wanted to go eat? And she was absolutely / completely dumbfounded! She looked baffled and was ultimately left speechless. This to someone who was still steaming a decade later after she’d tied to be the top in her college graduating class, and they didn’t know want to do about who would get to give the speech at commencement, so they flipped a coin. She lost! ... Anyways, she would go on to say that her last boyfriend always chose for her, so she quite literally could not do some thing as simple as pick where she d like to eat. “Well, what are you hungry for?” // “I don’t know. . .” I was thinking, this must be what parents feel like when there kids come home from school and they ask, “what did you do at school, today?” ;D See, I always somehow, no matter what... manage to bring it all back to me—
And you shouldn’t have to change who you are in order to find and be in a successful partnership. It’s all about “compromise,” is what I’ve been told by the most long-standing couples that I know (who are actually happy!). Your interests list seems quite appealing. And I’d imagine that if you were to type that out and put it up in some sort of dating app, or site, whatever they’re called cause I’ve never done jt—is that what the ids are using theee days, tinder?? ... I would think you’d get some interest from some pretty desirable eligible candidates. Ya know, beats “enjoys rom-comes, really bad boring reality tv shows, and getting their hiney smooched 24/7... (OR ELSE!!!!) or else is underlined at least 5 times..
Sorry I don’t know the personality type off hand, but I’ll look it up later if I’m not feeling too lazy, and most importantly, don’t forget. Wait a second - what were we taking about again? oh, yes! I think you’ve probably been a little distorted from past negative experiences in relationships. But that’s just one fellow s opinion. Take it with a shaker of salt 🧂

 

[Snake on the Moon]

but from what I’ve seen, and from what I have witnessed of you, you don’t seem anything like the negative reactions you’ve been unfortunately receiving. And on the romance, or romantic relationship side of things, I wonder if all of these flawed individuals you’ve been involved with have skewed your perception as to what is possible in a positive, healthy one? One that enhances, and lifts you up... as opposed to the reverse!

And speaking of some of your ex’s characteristics, shall we say, you’ll have to show me where I can go to sign up for some of those gratuities & otherworldly perks!! I’m just teasing and messing with you

And you shouldn’t have to change who you are in order to find and be in a successful partnership. It’s all about “compromise,” is what I’ve been told by the most long-standing couples that I know (who are actually happy!). Your interests list seems quite appealing.

I'm not sure when you're joking or when you're being serious. It can be difficult for me to pick up emotions through text.

 

[MisterBGone]

Oh, sorry about that! I’m sure I was joking, as opposed to taking any sort of “dig” at you! I meant well, but understand completely what you mean. . . I’ll try to take that into account for future reference. As tone I something that is very easily misinterpreted, or misunderstood, “in print,” as you say! Lots of people have this issue, which is why you hear the whole, but you read it the exact opposite of how I said it, sort of a thing... Anyway, just know that I mean well, even if i failed to execute it properly or well. My cognitive functioning isn’t the healthiest it’s ever been, but that hasn’t stopped me from trying to help others, on occasion. Maybe I’ll think twice next time so as to avoid any possible or potential problems with the sending and receiving of my messages! if there’s something I wrote specifically that you’re unsure of, or questioning, you ask me if you’d liked and I’ll be happy to try to correct things. But if not, understood! Wish you well is all.. peace & be well—

 

[MisterBGone]

Just reading quickly over what id said, in the section you’d quoted — I believ I was trying to be funny, but probably wasn’t (this is generally going to be problematic!). And I was actually intending to be self-deprecating; even though through my poor or bad writing and mistaken word selection, I failed and could easily see how it would be read as a slam, on your behalf. So, i certainly do apologize to you, for that was the last thing I was looking to do (at a time of intense pain, and or weakness; or frustration and suffering...) // back to the game room where I belong!

 

[Snake on the Moon]

Just reading quickly over what id said, in the section you’d quoted — I believ I was trying to be funny, but probably wasn’t (this is generally going to be problematic!). And I was actually intending to be self-deprecating; even though through my poor or bad writing and mistaken word selection, I failed and could easily see how it would be read as a slam, on your behalf. So, i certainly do apologize to you, for that was the last thing I was looking to do (at a time of intense pain, and or weakness; or frustration and suffering...) // back to the game room where I belong!

Oh okay, thanks for clarifying!

I'm not sure what you meant about my exes, it sounds like you were making a joke about how nice having a relationship like that would be? Maybe sarcastically? I wasn't certain there

 

[MisterBGone]

Oh, yes! . . Sorry 😐 sorry—I’m SORRY! I was talking and then writing ✍️ like I talk, as if you could hear me, and my inflections (which clearly don’t translate)... but yes, you’re 100% correct! I was meaning, or intending for it to be taken as a joke - in a, as you say, “sarcastic sense!” Of course, there’s no way of you being sure or aware of this short of knowing me very, very well - so, that was my error in judgement. I shouldn’t really have been making light of anything given the context of the situation, and the overall tone of the thread. It’s something I usually use, “humor,” in place of good sound wisdom or advice. (Because I usually don’t have any of those!) but next time, I’ll be much, much, more careful. So, in short—or long as this turned out to be - “the scenic route,” shall we say?? ;D I was hoping for it to come across as if I were to tell you about a crazy bitter ex girlfriend I’d had who first thing she does upon waking—& the last thing before sleeping is to whip out a voodoo doll that she uses of, or on me. . . & then, it would be as if you were to have replied, “whoah!!!!” tell me where I can go to sign up for someone like that ~*~ again, totally not being serious at all! ;^) no more joking, I can write right these days. For resins I won’t bother or bore yo I with now. z ; ) take care!

 

[Ash600]

I can understand the degree of hurt, frustration and conflict this can cause. Relationships is all about comprise on both sides, not just one person having to comply soley with the wishes of others. I know it's an obvious thing to say, and I apologise for stating the bleeding obvious. But sadly, I've seen many times in real life how it's all one way traffic. For some relationships, the universe just revolves around the one person.

In an ideal world, someone would accept you as you are, what your interests are as that is the real you, instead of trying to mould you into the type of person they want you to be.

 

[Snake on the Moon]

I can understand the degree of hurt, frustration and conflict this can cause. Relationships is all about comprise on both sides, not just one person having to comply soley with the wishes of others. I know it's an obvious thing to say, and I apologise for stating the bleeding obvious. But sadly, I've seen many times in real life how it's all one way traffic. For some relationships, the universe just revolves around the one person.

In an ideal world, someone would accept you as you are, what your interests are as that is the real you, instead of trying to mould you into the type of person they want you to be.

I'm okay with self improvement if it's to my benefit. However, lots of people try to "fix" things that aren't broken. That's where it becomes an issue. For example, I have a bad habit of being disorganized. I would love to learn how to be more organized and get my shit together so I can make it to events on time. I'm bad at leaving things until last minute.
Something that isn't broken that someone would "fix" would be trying to get me to drink alcohol, because they think it's weird that I choose not to drink. This is a personal choice, it's not a flaw.

 

[Dinolaur]

Hello @Snake on the Moon
I’m so sorry that you feel this way towards relationships. To me your hobbies and interests are all fairly normal. There’s always going to be conflict on what each person enjoys and doesn’t enjoy to do. But it’s also fairly healthy to have different interests as you sure as hell don’t wanna live in each other’s pockets the whole time. I’ve been with my partner 8y now and I’ve finally found something I enjoy doing, he doesn’t like it, but that’s fine. It keeps me occupied and helps me relax. He likes motor biking, I do not, so he has a night a week where he goes out with some mates. Which is fine. Now 6/7 years ago I wouldn’t have been okay with that at all because I’m extremely paranoid. I don’t honestly know how he puts up with me or even wants to stay with me. Anyway, moving on. You don’t deserve to be treated the way some people have been treating you. Those people aren’t worth a single thing. It upsets me when people think they can put their two cents in on what they think others should be. Urgh. Makes me so angry. I’ve probably gone right off topic now. Sorry!

 

[Ash600]

I'm okay with self improvement if it's to my benefit. However, lots of people try to "fix" things that aren't broken. That's where it becomes an issue. For example, I have a bad habit of being disorganized. I would love to learn how to be more organized and get my shit together so I can make it to events on time. I'm bad at leaving things until last minute.
Something that isn't broken that someone would "fix" would be trying to get me to drink alcohol, because they think it's weird that I choose not to drink. This is a personal choice, it's not a flaw.

People wanting to "fix" things in others for no apparent benefical reason apart from being just for the hell of it totally annoys me. It's suggestive of being power crazy, whereby others should confirm to their views and values or be condemned. - Okay, that's a bit extreme, but I take it you get you know where I'm coming from.

It's all about choice and decision making, knowing when to step in, but more importantly when to back off. To do so shows respect for the individual, to not do so exhibits otherwise. Such as your decision not to drink should be recognised as your personal choice, and even something to be applauded. People who know me, especially around here, are aware that I don't mind the odd drink now and then. However, it's never been in my mind to question why someone doesn't drink or even consider changing them. That's their perogative, it's their choice it's not doing any wrong so as far as I'm concerned, just let it be.

 

[Ash600]

Following on from this, just a thought :

Why suppress someone's individuality if it's doing no harm to themselves, or to others? As doing so runs the risk of being assimiliated into the herd of mediocrity.

 

[Kira]

Something that isn't broken that someone would "fix" would be trying to get me to drink alcohol, because they think it's weird that I choose not to drink. This is a personal choice, it's not a flaw.

I just wanted to quote this part even though it doesn't actually address the issue of finding a compatible partner.
I don't drink either and if someone told me that it was "weird" and tried to get me to drink, I'd probably laugh at them. It's quite juvenile if you think about it!

I understand why most people drink and I don't have any issue with it (as its their personal choice). But I think that they just can't fathom that you can actually have a good time without being intoxicated! There's also other people who just don't like to drink alone and need the company of another person to drink with.

I understand what it's like though because I've had people question why I don't drink also. Most people are understanding of my reasons but if someone tried to pressure me into drinking, I'd not only be very peeved off but I'd also feel sorry for them that they couldn't enjoy the company of a sober person.

Sorry, long post but I haven't really seen anyone say that before! Good luck with it all too

 

[Snake on the Moon]

Following on from this, just a thought :

Why suppress someone's individuality if it's doing no harm to themselves, or to others? As doing so runs the risk of being assimiliated into the herd of mediocrity.

Well said

 

[Snake on the Moon]

I think that they just can't fathom that you can actually have a good time without being intoxicated!

Sorry, long post but I haven't really seen anyone say that before! Good luck with it all too

Not only that, I've had an ex that smoked weed and would do so around me all the time. Once in a while, fine. He was smoking three or more times a day. It was medicinal, sure, I couldn't fathom how he respected my wishes at first, then started to resent me towards the end. He wasn't being honest with himself and with me, he actually seemed quite pleased when I broke up with him, and mentioned that he was expecting it a couple months earlier. He knew he didn't want me, and kept me for moderate convenience. Not love.

I feel so fed up with my experiences of relationships in the past that I'm scared to allow myself to commit again.

 

[Ash600]

Not only that, I've had an ex that smoked weed and would do so around me all the time. Once in a while, fine. He was smoking three or more times a day. It was medicinal, sure, I couldn't fathom how he respected my wishes at first, then started to resent me towards the end. He wasn't being honest with himself and with me, he actually seemed quite pleased when I broke up with him, and mentioned that he was expecting it a couple months earlier. He knew he didn't want me, and kept me for moderate convenience. Not love.

I feel so fed up with my experiences of relationships in the past that I'm scared to allow myself to commit again.

I can see how these experiences can be incredibly disheartening for you. But as these issues lie with others and not yourself, such matters are out of your control. I don't have any advice to offer, but just hope that given time the intensity of these feelings of discouragement will fade, and that you will one day find someone who appreciates and respects you for who you are.