Am i really meant to be here??!!.......

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LostSpirit, Oct 29, 2008.

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  1. LostSpirit

    LostSpirit Well-Known Member

    Hi everyone, i'm new here, and i joined in hope that maybe writing all this down would help in someway,,,i'm 22 and have felt suicidal for a long while now, every day its like a constant battle im fighting against myself, i have so much hate for myself and i'm not sure why, i had a terrible childchood, and was put in care home to care home, but finally got to live with my dad at the age of 6, my mum never really wanted to know, she could'nt cope, and can't show any love what so ever, so from a young age, i was left wondering why i had'nt a mum like everyone else, my dad was great, and gave me and my brother a second chance in life, and i will always be greatful for that, at 17 i met my ex, for the first time in my life, i felt loved, cared for, and someone was actually willing to listen to what i had to say, a year later i fell pregnant had a beautiful baby girl. not long after that, i got post natel depression, having my daughter brang back terrible memories of my childhood, i started to question everything, i didnt think i was a good mum, and hated myself even more as the days went on... doctor put me on anti-depressant's, which i did'nt find any help at all, infact they made me feel worse, my ex was'nt helping instead he would go out drinking and leave me to do it all, couple of months later,, my ex left me,,,, left me when i needed him the most, it totally broke my heart, there i was a young single parent going it all alone suffering from depression, i really didnt think it could get any worse, as the month's went on things seemed to get a little better, i seemed to deal with thing's in a better way, instead of breaking down every 5 min's, i would still cry myself asleep at night, but i new i had to try and stay strong for my daughter, i couldnt believe how someone i loved so much.... who i was meant to know inside out.. could treat me and our daughter the way he has, when my ex left,,, he didnt really stay in touch. he was 11 yrs older then me... already had a daughter from a prev relationship. and always cared and paided for her up bringing, so i hoped even if we wernt together, he would still see my daughter, and he was on and off for a bit, until he got with his new "girlfriend" who then said if you carry on seeing your daughter, then i will go.. and like a idiot he picked her! he has'nt seen my daughter since, even tho he is in the area, and i see him now and again, he just walks past me, like im nothing, i'v not been able to have a proper relationship since, no one has ever come close to him,,, he new me inside out, he new all about my childhood and my mum..yet in the end he thru it back in my face, after that i questioned a lot of thing's if my own mum didnt love or want me, who else is going to ??!! at the start of the year, thing's were looking good, was getting my life back on track, started a new job, made new friends, and was starting to feel good about myself for once, then at the beginning of september, i got sacked for no real reason, and since then,,,, everything else has gone down hill. im back at the start, i feel exactly how i felt 2 years ago, i have nothing, apart from the one person who means the world to me and thats my daughter, i wake up each morning, dreading it, but i put on a brave face for her, i cry myself to sleep every night! because i know nothing will change for me, i will always hate myself, how can anyone else love me, when i have no love for myself ??!! doing day to day things is a mission for me at the moment, because all i want to do is cry all the time, iv been to my gp, who has just recommended Anti-D's once again, or to see a councillor, which i have done, but again it did'nt really help,
    so there really isnt many option's left, do i carry on feeling empty and lost, go thru the rest of my day's, with not one person who understand's me, carrying on smiling when inside my heart is shattered,

    The only reason i hav'nt done anything silly, is because of my daughter, she is such a sweet, intelligent little girl, how could i leave her behind?

    i just don't no how much longer i can go on feeling this way..... im not living im just exsisting
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome again...I am glad you realize how much your daughter would pay if you hurt yourself...also, there are many ways to get through (not forget!) what happened to you...I also had a horrible childhood, but am in the world messy as life is...and trying to make a good life...please PM me if I can be of any support...big hugs, J
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you taken your ex to court for child support and back child support? That will give him something to think about for the next 18 years. You should go down to social services and apply for help with food stamps, rent money,etc.etc.etc. He is a total ass. I would have given anything to have been in my daughters life as she was growing. She has a daughter also. They moved back down here and have been with us for four months. She can't find a job because of the economy being in the shitter no one is hiring. Now she is going to go back up north so I won't be able to grow with my grandaughter. Life really sucks!!!All I ever wanted out of life was a family, a caring wife, and a good job to support us. It was never to be. You are young and will eventually get past him and find someone else. Just give it some time. look out for your daughter and yourself. Has your dad been supportive to love your daughter as much as you do? I hope so. If you need an ear to listen to you just PM me. Or if you have MSN just ask and I will give you my address for it. Take Care!!!~Joseph~
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