I am so scared. I have known that something is wrong with me since my freshmen year of high school. I have a history of chronic depression with several episodes of major depression as well as manic episodes associated with bipolar disorder, and moderately frequent anxiety attacks that are sometimes severe. I am also plagued by constant thoughts of suicide. I always assumed that more serious disturbances in my behavior could be a product of bipolar disorder; manic depressives have been known to display symptoms of psychosis when under extreme duress. However, due to a recent surge in stress (I just started college three months ago as a freshmen, and I am gender queer and just had a whole makeover in order to reinvent my gender identity), I am experiencing bouts of symptoms that bear resemblance to those of schizophrenia: -Catatonic behavior (I become completely immobile, unable to speak or respond to stimuli in my environment, including people, for extended periods of time, and during these times I am unable to think, focus, or function. I basically just sit there staring into space with my muscles rigid and barely blinking. I am incapacitated. ) -At times, severe difficulty concentrating, cloudy thoughts, disorganized thinking (Not all the time, but it it occurs, it just comes from out of nowhere.) I feel almost entirely disconnected from reality, and completely detached emotionally, so that I am cold and clinical, during these times. -Paranoia ranging from negligible to severe, and thinking that everyone is out to get me or laughing at me, even though cognitively, I am not nearly narcissistic enough to think that everyone is paying that much attention to me. But unfortunately, what I cognitively know does not resonate with how I physiologically feel, because sometimes the paranoia is so bad that I trust no one, not even enough to eat by myself in a crowded dining hall. -I am scared that other people can hear my thoughts, and that somehow, what I am thinking is being broadcasted out loud for everyone to hear clearly. Sometimes when I'm in a crowded room, I suppress my thoughts for fear that everyone will know what I am thinking. -I sometimes become extremely angry for no reason whatsover and end up breaking things in my room-although, because I do not approve of these nameless and aggressive feelings, I internalize them, because I would never even dare taking out my anger on innocent people. I originally thought I had depersonalization disorder because of the catatonia, but the whole picture is causing me to think otherwise. What is wrong with me? And please don't recommend a psychiatrist. I have spent years in their useless care and they have only made things worse. I am terrified that by seeing a professional, I will be selling my soul (aka, my civil liberties, legal autonomy, and self-determination). I just want an objective analysis of the information I have provided. Also please note that I have never, ever heard voices, seen things that weren't there, or had an inclination to hurt anyone.