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Am I Schizophrenic?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by raiinbowjunkiie, Nov 14, 2010.

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  1. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    I am so scared.
    I have known that something is wrong with me since my freshmen year of high school. I have a history of chronic depression with several episodes of major depression as well as manic episodes associated with bipolar disorder, and moderately frequent anxiety attacks that are sometimes severe. I am also plagued by constant thoughts of suicide. I always assumed that more serious disturbances in my behavior could be a product of bipolar disorder; manic depressives have been known to display symptoms of psychosis when under extreme duress. However, due to a recent surge in stress (I just started college three months ago as a freshmen, and I am gender queer and just had a whole makeover in order to reinvent my gender identity), I am experiencing bouts of symptoms that bear resemblance to those of schizophrenia:
    -Catatonic behavior (I become completely immobile, unable to speak or respond to stimuli in my environment, including people, for extended periods of time, and during these times I am unable to think, focus, or function. I basically just sit there staring into space with my muscles rigid and barely blinking. I am incapacitated. )
    -At times, severe difficulty concentrating, cloudy thoughts, disorganized thinking (Not all the time, but it it occurs, it just comes from out of nowhere.) I feel almost entirely disconnected from reality, and completely detached emotionally, so that I am cold and clinical, during these times.
    -Paranoia ranging from negligible to severe, and thinking that everyone is out to get me or laughing at me, even though cognitively, I am not nearly narcissistic enough to think that everyone is paying that much attention to me. But unfortunately, what I cognitively know does not resonate with how I physiologically feel, because sometimes the paranoia is so bad that I trust no one, not even enough to eat by myself in a crowded dining hall.
    -I am scared that other people can hear my thoughts, and that somehow, what I am thinking is being broadcasted out loud for everyone to hear clearly. Sometimes when I'm in a crowded room, I suppress my thoughts for fear that everyone will know what I am thinking.
    -I sometimes become extremely angry for no reason whatsover and end up breaking things in my room-although, because I do not approve of these nameless and aggressive feelings, I internalize them, because I would never even dare taking out my anger on innocent people.

    I originally thought I had depersonalization disorder because of the catatonia, but the whole picture is causing me to think otherwise. What is wrong with me? And please don't recommend a psychiatrist. I have spent years in their useless care and they have only made things worse. I am terrified that by seeing a professional, I will be selling my soul (aka, my civil liberties, legal autonomy, and self-determination). I just want an objective analysis of the information I have provided.

    Also please note that I have never, ever heard voices, seen things that weren't there, or had an inclination to hurt anyone.
  2. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Unless you see a professional so they can properly assess you no one can say if you are or not. Make an appointment with a psychiatrist...your GP can refer you.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    exactly only a professional can properly diagnose you and get you the proper treatment you need okay To many factors in diagnosing someone so please get diagnosed by your doctor or pdoc okay.
  4. raiinbowjunkiie

    raiinbowjunkiie Well-Known Member

    Yeah...the whole point is that I'm not seeing a professional because once you have something like that in your records, it's never coming out. And I'm terrified of answering questions honestly, because they WILL institutionalize me. And like hell I'm letting that happen.
    I posted this in the hopes that some people who are actually schizophrenic or know someone with schizophrenia would tell me what they think.
    If you're going to tell me to seek professional help, then don't even bother answering.
  5. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    I wouldn't think a schizophrenic would realize that their thoughts were strange or off?
  6. BrokenSpirit

    BrokenSpirit Active Member

    Actually most don't realize it. I was only recently diagnosed as bi-polar schizophrenic.
  7. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    it sounds like you have schizophrenia, but like the others said, you need to be analyzed...

    doctors have to keep things confidential
    so it won't go in any record except your medical record...and medical records are NEVER released unless you're going into professional sports or going up to space b/c then it's important...the only other time medical records are taken is after you've been accepted for a job with a big corporation or if you move on to graduate/professional school...but, in those cases, it's usually immunization records and nothing else...i don't even know if they're allowed to access any more information than immunizations...

    i know you said you are sick of psychiatrists, but this is something that needs to be addressed...and have you been to a psychiatrist since you've had these new paranoid thoughts??? i have found that universities really do have amazing counseling/mental health centers, for two reasons: 1)colleges are associated with a high suicide rate; 2) a lot of therapists who work at college mental health centers are fresh out of school and new to the field...therefore, they are still enthusiastic and really honestly care about you...they're young and invested...so you should go to your college student health center...i've been through about 7 psychologists...3 of them were through the universities i've been at, and those three have by FAR worked the best for me...give them a shot...it can't hurt to try...

    hang in there...
  8. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    if you are schizophrenic, what are you going to do about it if you don't want professional help???
  9. Darkness Inside

    Darkness Inside Account Closed

    That happens to me to... except I hear voices that want me to hurt people, and see things that aren't there. Everything else happens to me. (That I quoted)

  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i respect your decision to go the non medical route. check out the icarus project http://theicarusproject.net you might find more support there.
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