am i sick?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dying_inside, Jul 10, 2014.

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  1. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Hello, i was wondering if i am twisted or something because i dont feel suicidal, (even though i have in the past), but now i WANT to feel suicidal again. and this is not just a phase, this desire, i feel it always inside of me, waiting to come out with all its power at any time. it has been with me for years, sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker, but always there. i have attempted suicide twice, but they were not serious enough in my mind.

    i want my self destruction and WANT to want it, even when i dont feel like i want it. and i dont know why. i mean, suicide seems the only option for me because i hate my life and life in general, i dont see any hope for me and this thought of suicide is hidden under my skin every day of my life, but wanting to want it even when i dont feel it? isnt it sick?

    i keep thinking about ways to slowly self destroy myself to the point suidice will be the only choice i have, or death will be a "side effect/accident", yet a small part of me thinks about my family who loves me and that i love very much and i feel so guilty and insane for having these thoughts and feelings and desires and i dont want to hurt them, but how can i ignore such a big part of myself? what i want for myself? what i feel i am and is my destiny? i have tried to live and find happiness, i really have. i have tried to find a way to feel happy that i am alive but nothing seems enough to stop my death wished and my longing for it and for wanting it.

    any thought? anyone relates? am i just crazy?
    i'll appreciate any input, thanks.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    What is it you miss about feeling suicidal and self destructive? Is it because you have felt that way for so long you feel empty without those feelings?
  3. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    I have thought for a while feel that suicidal thinking is sort of adaptive. It is a possible 'solution' that gives a sense of control during difficult periods. Knowing that there is a way out can actually help some people to keep going. I read somewhere that people who have been accepted by Dignitas feel able to live longer and are better able to cope than those who face an uncertain death. I might be totally wrong, but that is the sense that I make of some of my own previous suicidal thinking.
  4. AsphyxiateOnWords

    AsphyxiateOnWords If you're 555, then I'm 666.

    No I wouldn't say you're sick or crazy or anything. There's numerous possibilities I think. Maybe like Butterfly said you're so used to feeling that way that it feels like something's missing when you're not feeling it. Or maybe you feel like if you're not suicidal then you don't have any option but to continue feeling whatever you're feeling forever without any kind of relief.
  5. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I definitely understand where you're coming from. I think at various stages of my life I have felt similarly and for different reasons. When I was still a teenager, I honestly liked the attention I got from others. While in a lot of ways I hated being treated "differently," I also liked how some people would go out of their way to try to make me feel better because I knew I was going through a hard time. Sometimes I would think to myself, "what if I get better? will people stop treating me nicely?" It may sound silly but those were real thoughts I had.

    I think as I got older, I would occasionally "miss" those feelings because, in a way, being deeply depressed made me feel very "real." It sometimes would take the fear away from me about certain things, and it brought out a lot of truth in me that I think I often tried to hide. Also, in a lot of my darkest time I had a lot of my most vivid memories, and I often would have some of my best moments and favorite memories in coming out of those times. Maybe in some ways I became so sick of how monotonous and disappointing my life had become that I wanted to bring myself to a slow as possible in hopes it would force me to get out of it.

    My last bout with suicidal thoughts a couple of years ago, though, was a very different animal to me. It's hard to describe, but I feel like there was a difference between my issues with it before and then. I think my previous issues with it were very much out of pain, despair, and severe sadness. That last time was out of numbness, and there was a frightening reality to how calm the thoughts were at that point. I definitely don't miss that last feeling.

    That being said, I don't think it's "sick" to feel the way you do. It's very understandable.
  6. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    THANK YOU very much everyone for answering. every comment was helpful and you gave me a lot to think about. i guess then, my problem is not much to find out why i want to feel suicidal (that could help finding better ways to get what feeling suicidal means to me and gives me) but to stop wanting it. i guess i'll either get there or end up where i seem to want to end up.
    anyway, thanks a lot,
    best wishes
  7. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that you found the replies helpful. Often suicidal thinking is an indication that you need a break or more support. Maybe when the suicidal thinking reduced you've also felt as if others aren't taking you seriously or supporting you? Obviously I don't know whether you've had any support (apart from here) or whether anyone else knows how you're feeling so it's just a suggestion.......
  8. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Thanks, i've always had issues with not being taken seriously. maybe this is a factor too, even though nobody knows about how im feeling. its been 3 years since my last attempt and everyone thinks im doing pretty well. same goes for support or attention. i dont ask for it, but maybe feeling suicidal gave me a inner sense that i would have deserved support if i had asked for it.

    i havent gone into details, but ALL the other suggestions mentioned in the other replies resonated with me and made a lot of sense. i have even been thinking about how i could find other ways to get what feeling suicidal gives me, because it obviously gives me something if i want it.

    i guess i could try to get filled with positive feelings and thoughts by doing what i like, and set up goals that i want to achieve instead of avoiding feelings and thoughts, situations and worries that i dont want. that would give me more control than running. and i guess i would feel more alive/real than feeling the pain makes me feel.

    but i also have to admit that i do not want to find other ways. looks like too much effort and little to zero reward. i also feel like life is only suffering and pain and if theres no way to avoid it, it is easier for me to accept the pain i inflict to myself than the one i would get anyway by trying, especially if i was filled with hope and faith and trying to have a happy life.

    another point i guess is that i cant see myself happy. ever. so why even hope and try? it would only make me feel worse. to have hope and get disappointed, always. so i think giving up hope is easier. easier than being kicked in the face while trying to get up after having been beaten.

    even if you are the one who beat yourself up and you are the one kicking yourself in your face. in fact, even if i were to, by chance, be happy i see myself sabotaging it because i dont think i deserve to be happy or because being happy is scary or because i cant find anything that truly makes me happy and would be important enough to live for, or dont want to find anything because that would mean i would feel forced to live, want to live, and that is scary too.

    sorry for the long rant, i was just carried away by my thoughts. thank you for listening and your help and support. really very much.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 12, 2014
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