Hello, i was wondering if i am twisted or something because i dont feel suicidal, (even though i have in the past), but now i WANT to feel suicidal again. and this is not just a phase, this desire, i feel it always inside of me, waiting to come out with all its power at any time. it has been with me for years, sometimes stronger, sometimes weaker, but always there. i have attempted suicide twice, but they were not serious enough in my mind. i want my self destruction and WANT to want it, even when i dont feel like i want it. and i dont know why. i mean, suicide seems the only option for me because i hate my life and life in general, i dont see any hope for me and this thought of suicide is hidden under my skin every day of my life, but wanting to want it even when i dont feel it? isnt it sick? i keep thinking about ways to slowly self destroy myself to the point suidice will be the only choice i have, or death will be a "side effect/accident", yet a small part of me thinks about my family who loves me and that i love very much and i feel so guilty and insane for having these thoughts and feelings and desires and i dont want to hurt them, but how can i ignore such a big part of myself? what i want for myself? what i feel i am and is my destiny? i have tried to live and find happiness, i really have. i have tried to find a way to feel happy that i am alive but nothing seems enough to stop my death wished and my longing for it and for wanting it. any thought? anyone relates? am i just crazy? i'll appreciate any input, thanks.