I have a huge family, and we're all really close. But no matter how close we are, there are times when I'm holding something in my hand and want so badly to use it to harm myself, but I know if I didn't do it right, they'd be hurt and I'd have to face them. But I know if it worked, they'd be hurt even worse. I know someone who says that unless there is nothing that can possibly stop you, you aren't really suicidal. Even though I want to do something, basically because I have something that stops me, does that really mean I'm not? I'm trying to see a therapist, but I'm uninsured, and waiting for the place I'm currently trying to go through to call me with a person who can actually see me. I don't want to admit myself to a hospital, because I'm afraid it'll just be the 72 hour window or whatever it is, and then I'll be sent home because they have no reason to keep me because just like with everything else in my life I'm "too smart" to actually do something.