Am I stupid and naive?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by donnaDONNA, Mar 5, 2008.

  1. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I met a man a year and a half ago. We had sex the first time we met. Almost every time he came over to my house we had sex. He was always making promises about taking me places and never following through. I never went to his house. Friends told me he is a player. So many times I ended it with him and he always talked me back. When I tell him how much he hurts me, he says that it hurts him to hear me say that. But he doesn't change his behaviour. In our off-times, I have dated other people, and he has always thrown this back at me. Last fall I ended it again and that split lasted six weeks. Then we had a passionate night of talking and fighting and he said that he loved me. When I came back after a two-week holiday, he didn't see me for a week, then ended it with me. That very day, I lost a family member. I tried to contact him but he wouldn't pick up the phone. Just before I got on a plane to go home, he texted me, saying that he had just received my message. When I got back, he turned up for a few days, then disappeared again for two weeks. He turned up again, then was off again. Even as I write this, I know that I have been used and lied to and manipulated. But a very stupid part of my brain keeps saying that he does love me, but he's afraid to show it. I have ended it AGAIN, but I know in my heart that I'm just waiting for him to show up. How do I end this cycle? How do I convince myself that this man doesn't love me or care about me? I need to free myself from him, and I don't know how.
     
  2. ColdSummer

    ColdSummer Well-Known Member

    "Even as I write this, I know that I have been used and lied to and manipulated."
    Well for starters it is great that you can see that. Whether it was for sex of he just likes to play people it's fairly obvious that, that is what we was/is doing. You have to figure why you keep taking him back, are you lonely? you like that attention? you have to figure out whether you want this guy to continue walking all over you and you getting hurt or to stand up, get rid of him and move on.
     
  3. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I don't know why I keep taking him back. It's almost like he's a drug. Sometimes I don't even tell my friends that I've taken him back, because I know they disapprove. I keep wanting to believe that he loves me and that things will change, even though I know intellectually that he never will change. Not to be crude, but the sex is amazing. I'm a very sensual person, and before I met him I hadn't been with a man for five years. And yes, I'm pretty lonely, and I want to have a relationship. Especially now, because the person who died was the centre of my life, and now I've found out that I won't have a job after the end of June, so I'm pretty unstable and needy and empty.
     
  4. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    It's crazy because I really miss him when he's not around. We're off again, and I've been really angry and crazed. I saw him at a concert/party on Sunday and I deliberately got completely smashed because that was the only way I could deal with seeing him. I told him to prove that he loves me by kissing me in public and he wouldn't. I saw him dancing with another woman and it destroyed me. Tuesday night he texted me saying, "Why are you mad at me?" I don't know if he really doesn't get how much he hurts me, or if he does and he just doesn't care or gets off on my hurt. Anyway, I told him goodbye AGAIN, and here it is two days later and I'm dying for him to contact me. I keep getting involved with other men, trying to get over him, but that doesn't work, and I end up hurting some really nice guys. Now I just tell every man that wants to get involved with me that I'm a train wreck and that they should stay away.
     
  5. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with that. It's hard, I know. Sometimes the head and the heart just take a while to get in synch... I hope you can eventually find a way to move on. Don't beat yourself up over it too much, it's human nature.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2008
  6. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member

    Do you think that maybe it could be a "you want what you can't really have" deal?
     
  7. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I have to admit that sometimes I've wondered if, if he was as attentive and available as I want him to be, if I would lose interest. If I didn't have to wait and wonder when I would see him again, it might not be so attractive.
     
  8. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    i was thinking of the cake song "italian leather sofa"

    she doesn't care whether or not he's an island.

    obviously, you aren't naive or stupid you know what is going on.
     
  9. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    An hour ago he sent me a text, "Hey, Wat's up." No apology, no let's talk. It's all I can do not to answer. I checked out the lyrics to that song and I'm quite insulted. I'm not interested in this guy because of money. I'm certainly not an uncaring person, either, or I wouldn't have fallen in love with him.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2008
  10. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member

    I don't understand why it's so hard for men to grasp that women really do have hearts whenever they try to analyze this kind of situation.

    I know it sucks, but it really is time to let it go, forgive yourself for the situation and move on to the next one. Especially since you know you wouldn't be as attracted to him if he were available to you. I'd take it as a learning experience.
     
  11. downnout

    downnout Well-Known Member

    actually, i'm stupid and naive. go me.
     
  12. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I went to bed at 6 o'clock last night because I was so depressed. I finally got up at 8 o'clock this morning. I couldn't think of a reason to get up. I'm such a fucking loser. I have no future, and I'm not qualified for anything. I thought that I would be able to make a future here in this place, and now I've lost my job and I have to leave and go back home where I have nothing. I'm so sad that when I leave here, I'm never going to see him again. I haven't told him yet. He probably wouldn't care anyway.
     
  13. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    Maybe there is a chance that he does love me. Maybe circumstances haven't been right, and maybe I need to let him be the person that he is.
     
  14. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    I was thinking cynically about your situation, i'm sorry.
     
  15. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    thanks for the apology, Hammockmonkey. I told him yesterday that I want to be with someone who loves me. If that's him, he was to call me last night. If it's not him, I told him never to contact me again. I haven't heard from him, so I guess that's his answer.
     
  16. magic1

    magic1 Active Member

    You say you think he loves you but does nt know how to say it. Well you know what, his love isn't worth it. He obviously doesnt love you enough. And the dude doesnt want to acknoledge his mistakes. I hope you're able to let go.
     
  17. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    So do I.
     
  18. magic1

    magic1 Active Member

    so do you....?
     
  19. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I hope I'm able to let go. Open my eyes and see clearly.
     
  20. donnaDONNA

    donnaDONNA Member

    I'm so mad at myself. I've let him back again. He came by this morning, had sex with me and left. I haven't heard from him since. I'm so mad at myself. Why do I keep letting him do this? I want a real relationship with a man who loves me and who I love. Why do I keep letting this happen? What is wrong with me? I'm going away on Monday for two weeks and I hope so much that I don't have any contact with him before then. He doesn't know I'm going, so it'll be a clean two-week break for me.