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Am I suicidal or just infatuated?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by solarflare, Oct 6, 2015.

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  1. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    I am trying to understand my problem and if I am indeed showing what could make me be considered suicidal.
    I am going through depression, it isn't by far the worst I've ever had, but it is there. I now feel like I have lost all desire to do anything in life anymore, I feel defeated. I feel like I have so many problems and am too old (40) to fix it all. Seriously it would cost a fortune and take up decades, it would not be worth seeking help. If I was a car I'd be a write-off.
    Having these suicidal thoughts (more like an obsession) makes me feel good.
    I do not have any desire TODAY to commit the act but it feels so good to do the research, do the maths on what it would take, read stories, look at gory pics of what happens, read speculations on how painless it would be etc. It gives me a rush and makes me feel seriously good. I look at the location from differing angles online, on google maps, etc and just plan to the most minute detail.
    And now I'm getting desires to drive out there and just sit, take it all in. Not do anything, just take it in.
    Is this suicidal behaviour or just infatuation? Am I at serious risk, is this typical behaviour?
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Sometimes feeling that we have an "escape route" from difficult things feels "reassuring" to us. The problem with suicide as an escape is that it's permanent and it doesn't allow for a better LIFE.

    I think I understand the desire to have something that could be an "escape"; but I would encourage folks to find something more life-promoting and constructive as their fall back plan. Just an idea so that if momentary feelings and temporary situations get hard, the "permanent solution" is not the one we turn to.

    Really, all the creative energy you are putting into "suicide ideas" could very well be put to finding ways to make your life better. I hope you consider and shift that focus...at least give yourself a chance...

    Be safe and well, solarflare. ((hug))
  3. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    Acy has a point... often, one of the best things you could be doing is distracting yourself from the thoughts... keeping busy. It's hit or miss with me, but when I'm keeping busy and focusing on what I love, I'm a lot less likely to be triggered. Even if you feel at your worst, you can flip it around and use it with your creative energies. Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins comes to mind.

    Just a thought on what works for me.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello there and welcome,
    As fior are you at serious risk? That is up to a professional to decide but I will say it does sound a bit obsessive or maybe you are just infatuated at the fact that a human can end their own life. It's hard to tell. If I were you I would seek help and now. Focusing on something else might help.
    We are here for you though no matter what you are actually going through so remember that :) Good luck
  5. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    I give it %50.

    Especially since I now decided that if certain events come to pass I am indeed going to do it. A set of parameters that will be seen within the next two months.

    If I don't do it we'll know if it was infatuation or real I guess. :)

    its ok.
  6. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    I know no one will read this but:

    I guess the real answer I was looking for was;
    - yes those are typical symptoms, seek help please
    - no, sounds like a passing phase, you'll probably be fine.
  7. Jabez

    Jabez Well-Known Member

    Solar flare, please seek help. I believe that making your plans so real and ready to enact means that you are at risk of acting on them in response to a trigger event, whether they are "truly" suicidal or "just" obsessing. And while you enjoy making them, at some level they clearly disturb you enough that you are asking advice about whether you should be worried.
    Also, having a timeline is a factor which is taken very seriously in evaluating suicidal risk as well.
    Please be safe, please seek help in real life. But we are here for you too, so keep talking if it helps. I'm sorry that you are having such tough time.
  8. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    You just told me everything I already knew and was fearing to hear.

    I really wished someone could say "its a phase, get over it". And then I could just get over it.
  9. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    solarflare, a phase or not a phase, it is still possible to get through this rough time!

    Seeking help doesn't mean we're bad or deficient, it means we could use some skilled guidance and support. Like getting a cast on a broken leg, or knowing we need to take x-amount of an antibiotic for infection, or a painkiller for a headache.

    Maybe see a GP to discuss your health, including depression. Tell the doctor the complete truth about your feelings and "plans" so s/he can direct you to the best kind of treatment for your situation. I really hope you do see someone. There are many treatment options, so please keep fighting for life!
  10. solarflare

    solarflare Well-Known Member

    Telling my true felings to a doctor will get me a police escorted ambulance trip to the nearest mental health facility to stay overnight and have a "chat" with a psychiatrist. he will not give two hoots about me, just prescribe some crap and send me on my merry way. It will not help anything. It will also leave me with a lot of explaining to do at work and home. I'll pass on that option.
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