I am trying to understand my problem and if I am indeed showing what could make me be considered suicidal. I am going through depression, it isn't by far the worst I've ever had, but it is there. I now feel like I have lost all desire to do anything in life anymore, I feel defeated. I feel like I have so many problems and am too old (40) to fix it all. Seriously it would cost a fortune and take up decades, it would not be worth seeking help. If I was a car I'd be a write-off. Having these suicidal thoughts (more like an obsession) makes me feel good. I do not have any desire TODAY to commit the act but it feels so good to do the research, do the maths on what it would take, read stories, look at gory pics of what happens, read speculations on how painless it would be etc. It gives me a rush and makes me feel seriously good. I look at the location from differing angles online, on google maps, etc and just plan to the most minute detail. And now I'm getting desires to drive out there and just sit, take it all in. Not do anything, just take it in. Is this suicidal behaviour or just infatuation? Am I at serious risk, is this typical behaviour?