Am I the only one......

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moxman

The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat
SF Supporter
#1
am i the only one that feels like everything i have been through, is just a punishment for something? i feel like my life has gone so terrible on so many different fronts, maybe i am being punished? i am being punished because i am a bad person??

i feel so trapped in my life that no matter what i try to do, i will just get gut-punched and knocked back down. i am so tired of it all. i am tired of the pain, i am tired of the sickness, i am tired of feeling useless and stupid, sometimes i hear in my head my mother telling me how stupid i was when i was growing up, how ugly i was. i know on some level i am smarter than her, but it is how i feel. i hate feeling things anymore. i don't feel anything positive, all i do is take care of people.

how awesome can i be if my own brother ghosted me, still? every time i have reached out to him, it's the usual bs. he's a master manipulator and i am too dumb to see through his shit. if it wasn't for my dad, i would block him once in for all.

i hate myself, i hate life.
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Admin
SF Supporter
#2
i am being punished because i am a bad person??
No. I know I don't know you personally but from some of your other posts I don't think you're a bad person at all - far from it.

But I understand how it can feel like that. And when you're repeatedly told that stuff as a child by the person who is supposed to love you the most, it sticks. I don't know how you get past this, I'm still trying without much success at the moment, but I know it's possible.

Some people are lucky, some get dealt shitty hands. It's random and unfair. Nothing to do with whether you're a good or bad person. And depression can make those shitty hands harder to deal with. We become less resilient, less able to fight back. But we CAN fight back, we can refuse to believe the lies that depression constantly whispers into our minds. And that is half the battle, realising that we are not what our depression tells us we are. That we are worth fighting for. That we are good people. That we deserve happiness.

I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now but you CAN do this. We're right by your side ready to help.
 

Pennylane-

Well-Known Member
#4
Hey Moxman, you're not a bad person, you're just tired of fighting, a school councillor once said to me many moons ago 'Don't let the bastards get you down' that sentence runs through my head every now and then, even now, nearly thirty years later.

Don't ever give up, the good times and the beautiful moments in your life, that will come, and they WILL come, are worth it.
 

moxman

The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat
SF Supporter
#5
Hey Moxman, you're not a bad person, you're just tired of fighting, a school councillor once said to me many moons ago 'Don't let the bastards get you down' that sentence runs through my head every now and then, even now, nearly thirty years later.

Don't ever give up, the good times and the beautiful moments in your life, that will come, and they WILL come, are worth it.
I can't give up if I did I would devastate my daughter; I would never do that. I am just in a really messed up situation and I don't know how to fix it.

My daughter in some ways is my best friend but I don't want to put all of this and these feelings onto her. She is a child, I want to shield and protect her as much as possible. She's already dealing with so much, that no teenager should have to deal with.

thank you for your kind words, it meant a lot. i hope you are having a good day today.
 

Petal

~*Mod Extraordinaire*~
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#6
Seems like you are an awesome parent, you realise your child should not be enduring what she's enduring yet you are still here fighting for you of you. She is lucky to have you and likewise.

I think (well, if i were in your shoes) I would block him instantly, no one should manipulate you or try to bring you down, especially family, don't let that happen and don't let the possibility of it get you down either.

You certainly don't sound like a ''bad'' person,much more the opposite in fact, you sound like a really caring and loyal, down to earth person. You're fighting for two, for your daughter here too.

Keep posting if it helps you get it all out and you can get your life back together again.

We're here for you 24/7 and we care and most importantly, remember that your thoughts are not facts. You deserve a life worth living.
 

moxman

The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat
SF Supporter
#7
hey you!!!!

how are you doing? I've really missed my friends and the friendships I had here. i started to feel like i was here too much and i was not exploring/enjoying life away from the computer in general. (does that make sense?)

i don't feel like i can block him right now, because my dad and his health is getting worse. i feel like if he goes into the hospital, then the garbage between us gets set aside and we support my dad. i am starting to resent him because i am the only one taking care of him. i also know it hurts my dad's feelings that he doesn't come around or call him either. i have dreams about all of this stuff, my dad passing away (he has congestive heart failure and the funeral, and it freaks me out when i wake up.

i do have PTSD and i have nightmares and bad dreams a lot; i am not sure if the two are related. i don't know how to handle all of this.

i feel like i have too much on my plate and it's overwhelming me. when i get overwhelmed i tend to get sick, when i get sick that is when i start having the suicidal thoughts. it's like my illness pushes me over the edge and i fall into a pit of despair. when i think of suicide it's not so much escaping my mental anguish but as a way to stop the sickness and being sick.

i feel like i have made a lot of progress on my mental health issues, it's just the fact that my plate is overflowing.
 

moxman

The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat
SF Supporter
#8
No. I know I don't know you personally but from some of your other posts I don't think you're a bad person at all - far from it.

But I understand how it can feel like that. And when you're repeatedly told that stuff as a child by the person who is supposed to love you the most, it sticks. I don't know how you get past this, I'm still trying without much success at the moment, but I know it's possible.

Some people are lucky, some get dealt shitty hands. It's random and unfair. Nothing to do with whether you're a good or bad person. And depression can make those shitty hands harder to deal with. We become less resilient, less able to fight back. But we CAN fight back, we can refuse to believe the lies that depression constantly whispers into our minds. And that is half the battle, realiz that we are not what our depression tells us we are. That we are worth fighting for. That we are good people. That we deserve happiness.

I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now but you CAN do this. We're right by your side ready to help.
hellos

thank you for your kind words. i have recently realized that my mom is a narcissistic person. that has really helped put her behavior in a more understandable light. i am not excusing it, but i understand her behavior better than before. but i still hear her sometimes. like the other night.

i see my therapist this week, he's pretty useless. going to request a new one.

i hope you are well today.
 

moxman

The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat
SF Supporter
#10
If that's the message you got from your mother growing up it makes sense that you feel bad now Bad parenting - or even just negligent parenting - can have a destructive impact
there are a lot of details, i am leaving out about her and my childhood. i was diagnosed with having PTSD from my childhood. for a long time, i was scared of females, because i thought they were all like her. when i met other girls growing up, i just assumed they were hiding that part of them. i really wish i had the internet growing up, so i could have been exposed to more positives experiences instead of the incredibly toxic childhood i had.

my philosophy when i became a father was this: what would my mom do in this situation, then i would do the EXACT opposite.

is there still a place where people can share their favorite songs and movies here? i always enjoyed that, listening to new and different types of music. my daughter halfway jokes, she has better taste in music than me. lol, she's halfway right sometimes.

i hope you are having a good night and i wish you well.
 

WolfGoddess

Well-Known Member
#11
that is an upside of the internet, you can make connections that might not be available in the real world. I wish it had been aroind when i was growing up too.

I feel like I've seen forums asking about movies and music - but you can always start one

I hope you're having a good day
 
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