Am I the world's biggest hypocrite?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Talia862, Jun 1, 2016.

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  1. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I want to commit suicide. I have attempted a bunch of times in the past. I really am struggling and having a lot of suicidal thoughts. I fight them because I love my friends so much and they are wonderful. I don't want to hurt them. But I really think if it wasn't for them, I would do it. I just feel so incredibly depressed. I suffer from Bipolar disorder, but I also have physical issues as well.

    I have RA. Its a chronic and very painful condition where your immune system attacks your joints. I am in a tremendous amount of pain every day, and have to walk with a walker and sometimes use a wheelchair. It's so painful even to walk or do anything, it hurts so much and this disease has no cure and gets worse with time. In ten years, I will probably be in a wheelchair permanently. One of the people Jack Kevorkian killed had RA too. That was why she wanted to die.

    Here is why I think I'm a hypocrite. I want to die so badly and have tried. But I am on the board of e pro-life groups. including one that also opposes the death penalty and war. So here I am, working for an organization that says life is sacred even from conception, and all that, and yet I am suicidal. I feel like the world's biggest hypocrite. How can I say the death penalty is wrong but I want to execute myself?

    And by the way, PLEASE dont' make this an abortion debate- I really don't want to talk about politics. I have nothing but compassion for women who have abortions and would never judge. So please don't feel like I"m condemning anyone and lets just not go there.

    But I feel so much like a hypocrite. If it wasn't for my friends and loved ones, loving them so much and KNOWING how hurt they would be by my death, I think I would do it right now.

    And I am such a hypocrite.
  2. tropicalisland

    tropicalisland tropical island, oh whoa oh whoa

    Hi Talia. I've read your post and can even related to parts of it. But to answer the question: I don't think you are a hypocrite. I think you are suffering. I'm sorry you are experiencing this but please don't hold what you see as hypocrisy against you. We all have thoughts we normally wouldn't when we are low. You see your friends as a reason to hold on, which is good. I know things look bleak now but I hope you can find more good things to hold on to.
  3. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    You aren't a hypocrite. I've had moments where I've had to talk people out of hurting themselves or feeling suicidal and then being like wait, aren't I the same way? You are in pain both emotionally and physically and I can relate to you when you say you don't want to do anything because of your friends. I feel that way very often. I hope that you can feel better soon. *hugs*
    DrownedFishOnFire likes this.
  4. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    You are not a hypocrite. There is a VAST difference between being anti death penalty and being pro assisted suicide, first of all. Second, you are repeatedly saying you will not kill yourself because of your friends. Sounds like you are behaving in a way that aligns with your values, to me.
    Petal and lightning05 like this.
  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Pains can be so time consuming to ones mind. Nothing gets done and quality of life isn't there. All I can say is don't give up, try different suggestions for RA
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