am i the worst scumbag on this cesspool you call earth?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by thatguywithacomputer, May 16, 2010.

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  1. i am one big tower of utter disgusting in my opinion, but i want honest feed back from people remotely like me. im pretty sure after reading this you might feel alot better about yourself knowing you aren't as scumy or messed up as i am.

    I have:
    Asperenger Syndrome
    Explosive Anger issues

    I think i have:
    a one way ticket to being a full blown sociopath
    a one way ticket to another Adolf Hitler
    some kind of eating disorder
    several arousal disorders

    when i was six i remember fighting a 5 year old in a sandbox and beating him half to death for kicking sand in my little brother's face and he also stole his lolipop. Yea seems like i love my brother so much right? one time a few tears ago he got me pissed over a video-game and i almost strangled him to death in front of my grandmother.....i am scum that deserves to be chained to a floor naked and have hungry rats devour every inch of my rotten soft flabby flesh, right? this is the tip of the iceburg. when i was 9 i was at a family member's wedding and couldn't stand to see people so happy so i went into the bathroom and tried to kill myself by hanging myself with my tie. didn't work and i was too lazy to try again. One time i borrowed a game from a friend and was gonna return it and a dude stole it and i chased him, the thief boy turned a corner and pushed my into the street. i landed on my left arm(my writing one) and it was sprained but i thought it was broken at the time. One teacher i never knew pulled me out of the street before drunk teens could pancake me, sometimes i wish she wasn't so fast. one time i stood up for a friend and ended up getting hospitalized for a week cause of that and lost the friend i stood up for. im fairly tall and spent most of my grade school time getting beat up by a dude less than half my height and i was too stupid and proud to learn to stop, i got beat up alot and never won fights after the age of six. one time when i was 10 this weird boy showed me his penis, he was like 11 or something and i swear it was 15 inches long(does that have anything to with any of my current messed up mentality?).I also once almost re-broke a teacher's foot for taking my stuff. am i demon?

    Sorry for bouncing around times in my pitiful life......

    if i wasn't getting beat up i was doing crazy shit for popularity or learning something. i would do stupid shit like eat food off the floor and grab my crotch at teachers and stuff and kids laughed and liked me until the pricks started picking fights with me so i could get beat up some more. I was raised baptist christian but slowly became an atheist, i have been athiest for 9 months now but i believe in souls and ghouls. even though i mainly believe that my body's only purpose is to suffer and feed leaches when it dies.

    I'll stop rambling there about my beliefs on religion cause there's more like my sexuality issues and stuff.....

    I am a male and odly get turned on by cartoon boys 15 and under, i also like furries(both sexually and conceptually) but in rl dudes are much less arousing to me...i also get turned on by chicks both toon and real. Am i a potential pedofile? im 17 years too old...i feel like an unclean licentious vermin. Kid boys in real life give me sexual stimulation whatsoever though.

    I don't know if this is a lie i tell myself to relive tension or if this is true but when an animal is drawn with the body parts of arousing and somewhat familiar images then i get aroused cause its reminding me of them rather than the animal being hot itself. is this true or am i a potential animal fucker?

    i was told high school is the best years of my life, when i went to mine i loved it for only 3 weeks, after that i was like "if this is the pinnacle of my life i better kill myself." first year i got angry cause of the staff focusing on policing rather than education, making me feel like a jew in the 1940s. second year i got an indirectly but freaking obvious sexist female english teacher who made an example of me every fucking chance she got. almost killed myself last year, recovered after being robbed of 4 days of summer for being in a hospital getting depression treatment that was extremely temporary. and this year i been getting drilled constantly getting angry when my friends i known for years betray me left and right and the bitch staff continue to bombard me with trival crap and it makes me wanna kill myself cause of how this cesspool drains together. when the sunshines it casts bars on the lockers reminding me i am confined to that hell whole for what seems like an eternity. Not to mention so many kids fail the school is on probation and the grades are almost as badly inflated as gas prices today, almost. I been constantly battered with the concept that i am smart enough to know better and get as and bs especially in a school with super inflated grading, yet i get ds,cs, and fs, which further crushes any remains of my shattered hopes. I mean they constantly remind me im smart and im getting retarded mook grades.

    i recently got a girlfriend and it made school bearable, until recently when the bitch assistant principal drilled me about going to class with a fucking megaphone when i was in spitting range. Is this what i deserve for helping my girlfriend try to find her cellphone. From what i understand we keep growing closer and closer together and i appear to be one of few reasons she hasn't gone crazy yet. I think i love her cause when i think of her its a feeling similar to hate but makes me feel oddly complete and gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside, only took about 2 months to start kissing but now her uncle is gonna threaten to tell her family about me and they never met me.....AND she told me if her parents knew she was my girlfriend they would kill her and me....i hope thats just teen exaggeration, shes 15 almost 16, im 17(is this normal age dif?)

    if you have read this far you must think i am scum. I wanted to have a son cause it made my dad happy and i wanted happiness too, but i probably am not fit to have one.

    I tried closing myself to prevent more pain but when i got a girlfriend my hopes shot right back up and i see this a vulnerability to more pain and depression that will lead to my seemingly inevitable suicide. my girlfriend is the oldest child in her family and she has 5/6 brothers and sisters who are 5 and under....i am glad i am not completely useless and sheer her up....

    its always seemed that when my heart is in the right place or i do something good, i get punished and reminded that life is over rated. constant texts on the web further reinforce the shame i feel about my sexuality and school is really driving me crazy. People call me smart but i think im an idiot who knows a lot about stuff. I have thoughts about murdering those who have wronged me. is that unhealthy?

    im done now unless you want my sorry hide to elaborate more. am i a true mortal? or am i some fucked up demon in a flesh puss bag? I'm 17, male, american, and i think i just don't belong on earth...
  2. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    you need a good, open therapist. you also need to accept yourself and be proud of who you are. a lot of what you are saying seems pretty normal and believe me, those things you get aroused by aren't really that strange. there is a lot of stuff i can relate to you on here but i wouldn't feel comfortable sharing it on the forum.

    you can PM me if you'd like.
  3. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    From what you've said- I believe that your problems mainly stem from chemical imbalances in your brain; which cannot be helped. You also seem to have severely damaged self esteem, which would be one reason that you lash out at people and do odd things for attention.

    You really need to talk to someone about this- a professional- if you aren't already seeing a therapist. If you are seeing one and you find that it hasn't helped you, then find another one.
    It's important that you look after yourself and begin the healing process; and figure out what your problems are- where they come from and how to fix them.

    There are many people who exist- *real people*- who need medication every day in order to think clearly. If that is what you need, please feel a bit of comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Lots of people are confused, lots of people are scared... you need to take the first step on your own and get yourself help. You're not scummy. You're a person who needs a bit of help, that's all.
  4. TaraB3ar

    TaraB3ar Well-Known Member

    I read your whole post, and I dont think you're scum at all. Most of what you said is pretty normal. Besides the fact that you know the things that you did were bad proves you're human. Though really you didn't even do anything that bad...High school and the people from high school dont matter at all. I dont know where that false statement came from that high school is suppose to be the best time of your life. I hated high school but after high school none of it matters. The real world beyond high school is so much bigger than that place. It sucks to lose friends but I wouldn't get so down on yourself if you lose high school friends, no one really keeps them anyway. Every one drifts apart as you start making a life of your own. Focus on you and what you want to do not what others think of you.
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