Am I weird for not killing myself yet?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by dobiedub1, Mar 5, 2013.

  1. dobiedub1

    dobiedub1 New Member

    When I was a little boy, around three or four, I used to watch my dad beat my mom every day when he got home. When they got a divorce, I, of course, lived with my mom. She would make me and my brother shower out of hot plates without electricity or water. My mom was a vegetarian so all we ate when we were hungry was ramen noodles and mixed vegetables. I used to go to bed starving some nights because she wouldn't pick up our food. My dad worked at Goodyear so he always paid child support but my mom just used it to by terot cards, candles, and voodoo dolls. My mom was insane so she used to make my sister call her Chris so no one would know she was her mom. We at some points lived in a car. We would go some places and not get home til 2 and we had to be at school at 7. She would sometimes go to her boyfriends house, though she was 37, and we'd get off the bus and sit in our driveway for 5 hours straight , because the doors were locked, until my dad got there and took us to his house cuz he'd periodically check on us and see it. We'd sometimes not have showers in months and i went to school like that. She beat my older brother and sister and did fung shwei cuz she thought she was a witch. We moved houses seven times and at one point my room was a supply closet. From there my dad finally got custody and moved us to his house. Then he went to look for a job so he sent us to a children's home. Then after we got out he'd smoke pot, work, and sleep all day. Then he got married for the seventh time, yeah seventh, and she tried to take my place with my dad because me and him had a great relationship. She'd ground me and slap me around and whip me naked and he'd let her and I never put up a fight. An example was I got grounded for a week because I left some trash on the counter one day after she told me once not to. I was once grounded to my room six weeks straight with nothing but a bed and a shelf for my clothes. Then she left and took $45,000 of his money with her without his knowledge. He also left her in charge of the money and bills and she never paid a single one while she was there so when she left our utilities got cut off. Then he loved her so after he left he'd lie in my bed night after night with me having to explain to him why not to kill himself. Then after we recovered he got married again and we moved to MS from the house I'd ever lived in for 6 years away from all my friends and now I have to share a room with my 12 year old step brother. The only thing keeping me alive is beer and metal which i drink and listen to every say. Sorry for the skipping around, but is it amazing I haven't killed myself yet?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You sound like a very courageous person, you have endured so much-no child should have to suffer that. The way I see it it, if you're still here, then you are here for a reason.
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    You have certainly had your fair share of troubles. Is there anybody you could talk to about your problems a doctor, a counsellor perhaps?
  4. DepletedOne

    DepletedOne Member

    Music is better at describing life than words most of the time. Totally get major metal. The rage and the pressure. I've started to mix up my listening though - to hear different music just because. Some stuff is way too sweet and fake for me. But there is other music that speaks to different emotions, ones I thought I wouldn't feel again. This will sound stupid, but listening to different stuff has been like taking a mental vacation, even if it's only for a half hour or so.

    And beer, well beer is just good. I kind of like anything that numbs me down when I'm hurting. I do get tired of being numb though. The other music makes me want to be real in a different way.