I sit here reading this site day after day trying to get up the courage to post about how I'm feeling, then when it comes to it I can't think of anything to say. I've lost count of how many threads I've tried to start and given up on. I don't see much point in posting, I only do because it's often said that the ones who go through with it are the ones who don't say anything beforehand, and on some level I don't want to die. But on another I really really do. In all honesty I don't see the point in fighting against my suicidal feelings, I don't think that there's anything about me that's worth the effort. For years I've been searching for one thing about me that makes me special, just one thing that I can do or that I am that makes me worthy of life in just one person's eyes. The eyes of someone who really knows me. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that whatever it is that makes most other people stand out and worth being noticed just isn't present in me. I don't feel like anyone really hears me. People do make the effort to reply to my threads and I am greatful for that, but after that reply I feel like I'm just forgotten again. It's probably my own fault cos I hide my feelings and act like I'm fine most of the time so that nobody knows. But I do feel like I have to flip out and shout and scream, threaten to kill myself right now and deliberately worry people to get anyone to notice how much pain I'm in at the moment. This probably sounds like a right pity party, but it's not. I'm breaking, I'm so close to killing myself. I can't be more serious. But it still feels like I'm screaming in a sound-proof room and I think I might just give up on trying soon.