am I worth the effort?

[Malcontent]

I sit here reading this site day after day trying to get up the courage to post about how I'm feeling, then when it comes to it I can't think of anything to say. I've lost count of how many threads I've tried to start and given up on. I don't see much point in posting, I only do because it's often said that the ones who go through with it are the ones who don't say anything beforehand, and on some level I don't want to die. But on another I really really do. In all honesty I don't see the point in fighting against my suicidal feelings, I don't think that there's anything about me that's worth the effort. For years I've been searching for one thing about me that makes me special, just one thing that I can do or that I am that makes me worthy of life in just one person's eyes. The eyes of someone who really knows me. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that whatever it is that makes most other people stand out and worth being noticed just isn't present in me. I don't feel like anyone really hears me. People do make the effort to reply to my threads and I am greatful for that, but after that reply I feel like I'm just forgotten again. It's probably my own fault cos I hide my feelings and act like I'm fine most of the time so that nobody knows. But I do feel like I have to flip out and shout and scream, threaten to kill myself right now and deliberately worry people to get anyone to notice how much pain I'm in at the moment. This probably sounds like a right pity party, but it's not. I'm breaking, I'm so close to killing myself. I can't be more serious. But it still feels like I'm screaming in a sound-proof room and I think I might just give up on trying soon.

 

[ItThing]

Well, I don't believe that a person can truly measure they're own lives, so in my opinion you are probably worth more than you think. So you don't like your life, you probably need a change. Dying is a big change, but I think you might gain a lot by telling your family/friends first. I hate it when my mom worries about me but every now and then I take a leap of faith and let my guard down, and she always says something supportive. I think you need something like that. You don't seem to feel you are worthy of a good life, but it's your life and you are you by right and no one can really stop you from having the life you want, and no one should. It's not easy, but I promise that it's much easier than you think.

 

[Terry]

I know this feeling Mal.."screaming in a sound proof room" (for me its the bathroom) because I don't let the scream out.
Is there anyone, doctor, friend, parent that you can talk to?
I don't think this feeling is going to magically vanish without some intervention and the feelings of worthlessness is depression screaming thru your head.

:hug:

 

[Malcontent]

Thank you both for the replies, it means a lot

I think that is the root of the problem - who to talk to? My doctor is next to useless, she's already made my physical health problems worse but prescribing me meds that I'm allergic to (long story) so I'm not inclined to trust her. My mum means the world to me but I find it very hard to talk to her, probably because she means so much to me and I don't want to hurt her more than I am already. Friends are all I've got left, but I only have online friends and I'm not even sure about that. I don't mean to sound like an arsehole but I see people who've said they care about me rallying round others who reject their help or who've said mean things to them time and time again (I'm not talking about any specific time or person here) yet they keep offering unconditional support. It must be something I do or don't do that causes me to be overlooked but I don't know how to fix that. It may not even be possible.

 

[andyc68]

sorry to hear how much you are hurting Mal, i understand how you are feeling.
your feelings of worthlessness and isolation is the depression overwhelming your mind leaving the need to die but, and this is the hope, you said yourself that on some level you don't really want to, that is the true Mal speaking out , remain strong and fight on to keep the depression away .

everyone has something about them that is priceless, if i knew you better then i could see more but all i can say is from what i have read is that you have a big heart and are not afraid to use it, you have in your own suffering found time to give support to others.

you are no where near being worthless and i expect there are many here who think the same.

this world would be a lesser place without someone like you here

be strong

 

[theleastofthese]

Oh Mal, I so wish I could "do" something to make you feel better. Just please hang on, don't let go, the best may yet to be. I don't want you to hurt or kill yourself. I would miss you very much. Please hang on, to me, to us, to anything. Just don't let go.

love you very much, my friend,

least:hug:

 

[Malcontent]

Thank you again for the replies, it does help

I just wish I could shake this feeling that it's wrong for me to feel the way I do. I know people care and I feel terrible for having to say that at times it feels like they don't. But those are my emotions. I am probably seriously depressed and it seems like that's ok for everyone else but not for me. I don't feel like I'm allowed a break from being perfect the whole time, even on here which is designed just for that purpose I have to constantly be strong and know everything that's going on and never make mistakes and always be impartial and unemotional and be at everyone's call and always be able to support people whenever they need it. Whenever I break just a little, if I ever let that mask slip just a bit I'm a bad person. I don't feel like I'm allowed the emotions of a normal person.

 

[andyc68]

emotions are good, best to let them out and be 'normal'.
if you want to break and let everything out then do so Mal, no one here will judge you or think less of you.

we are your support, so use us.

being emotional is nothing to be scared off

stay safe

 

[fromthatshow]

No one around me understands the pain I'm in either. Screaming and shouting and threatening suicide and no one would still get it.
I understand and I know how hard it is :hug:

 

[Sadeyes]

Are there things about yourself you feel proud of? Your intelligence, your kindness, etc? Can you access anything/hold on to anything that allows you to know your value? Maybe asking friends what it is about you that they care for/about may make the process less abstract. This way you have something to use to affirm your worth/goodness at this time...just a suggestion..stay safe...J

 

[Terry]

Right this is just going to be a practical suggestion.
March into GP's office and demand counselling, if she starts in with "talk to me" say thats not what I need, I need someone trained in dealing with depressionto talk to.

 

[theleastofthese]

I agree with Terry, please do whatever it takes to get help for yourself. I care too much about you to let you go. DON'T give up. Please don't give up. I feel so much the same but I'm still hanging on, if only by a thread. Please don't let go. I care too much for you to let you go without a fight.

 

[danni]

mal :hug: I also agree with terry, and also about your Dr maybe you can see if you can get a new one and explane why you done like the one you have. Be strong and were here to help you out mal :hug: