Am i ?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Vagrant, Dec 19, 2009.

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  1. Vagrant

    Vagrant Account Closed

    I'm really fed up, It's been several days since I think seriously about the 'Suicide' and I cannot find a way out.. this is the only solution. All my old problems that have been resolved are just like resurfacing and I can't take of this anymore ... that I thought it was over but the pain is just following me since my youth, Everyday i woke up with the same feeling sh*t, In my head, it's always a 'cloudy' & 'cold'.
    Everyone asking me @ job 'Hey joe ? What's up yo look at you man you look ugly, ooooh it was a joke man ! ..' But do they realize what is happening or they're simply making fun of me ?

    Too many thing happened in my life,

    1. -My dad was schizophrenic when im say 'schizo' i mean with his devil voice in his head.
    2. -These hard time where ive been beat up by my dad when my mom wasn't at home around (5-6 yrs old.)
    3. -I've been left by my own so i had to survive by my own when i was 13..
    4. -I've been pretty shy my whole life, I wasn't able to express myself.
    5. -Then i lost a friend by suicide & my relationship with my girlfriend is over.

    So what can i say ? ; ....

    I dunno ... i think ... i am the reason of why i feel suicidal....

    None of my friend are online on MSN or they're not at home, What can i do ?
    My mother kicked me out of the house since my 16, and i don't have a contact with her anymore, man this shit get me depress for real.
    If nobodys around tonight to talk with, Tonight will be the last night of my life, you can be sure of that.
  2. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    You've had a tough run. Way more than I can even imagine in my sheltered life. Advice that people give me is usually to not let others be responsible for your hapiness.

    What I do know is that you are not to blame for feeling suicidal... These events you describe are all terrible, and one by itself is enough to make almost anyone unhappy or suicidal. You are a stronger person than I, as I get unstable when I return from trips, or don't see someone when I really want to talk to them.

    For me, it's difficult to get past that, because other people are what makes me happiest. What has helped me is giving things to other people. Gifts are easy if you have the money, but if you don't, and you have time, volunteer for something. Soup kitchens, helping the homeless, etc. It makes me feel incredible when I can feel like I'm giving something back and not feel like I'm draining or taking from other people. Just don't give beyond reason or ability, as this will hurt you in other ways.

    If that's not your kind of thing, then start getting a lot of exercise. Randomly walk a few miles somewhere. If you are okay with the idea, try lifting weights. It will give you confidence in yourself when you get stronger. I try to do at least 40 push-ups a day, as many crunches/sit-ups and jumping jacks as I can as well.

    I realize you probably have heard all this before... I am not an expert at relieving these feelings in any way. Even by doing all these things, I still feel lonely and depressed often. The girl I like seems to be indifferent towards me and live very far away, and it has hurt me a lot, but I refuse to give up.

    Pursue what makes you happy. The worst thing I've ever done is not do anything but sit all day. It makes me feel terrible.

    I'll do my best to keep you company.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Please stay here to share with us..I have no real words of wisdom, but wanted you to know your story touched me...hope you realize how strong you are to have gotten through all of that...all the best, J
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please stay and talk to us. You can PM me if you need to talk, I'll be online most of the evening.
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