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Am I?

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lightbeam

Antiquities Friend
#1
Am I an abuser…?

The reason why I ask is because I wonder if I’ve been one all my life.

The reason why I think I may be is because I had a rough childhood.

For those that don’t know, I have schizoaffective disorder. I hear voices that have me do all sorts of things. I am able to resist a lot now, because I am medicated. It wasn’t always that way. I was under their control a lot of the time. And many things I did was because I was asked, rather ordered by the voices to do.
The reason why I think I may be, was because I was married- and eventually divorced, because if martial incompatibility, and the fact that I tried to kill her during a hallucination. That was her wording. We would get in bad fights. Fists were thrown; black eyes were made on both sides. Dishes were broken.

I was always taught to defend myself, whether it was fighting or just verbal yelling. Most of this was done with the voice’s goading. They always wanted a fight to break out, because they thought of my ex-wife as being weak willed, and generally docile. For the most part, she was.

The reason why I ask if I am an abuser is because I had no control over my behavior, and most of the time I was downright cruel. I enjoyed seeing the people I was with suffer. I am able to shut off my feelings at will.

I hate myself for being this way. I have a therapist, and once we get through some other things, I will talk to him about this. That’s providing my therapist doesn’t get switched again. *sigh*

So am I…?
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
Your illness is not YOu hun My sibling once attack me too and i never ever blamed that person because i knew it was the illness attacking me you feel remorse as did she because she would never hurt me i know that
I say if you had no control then no you are not an abuser but it is good you can see what the illness does so you know to keep yourself well so you donot harm anyone again hugs
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#3
Your illness is not YOu hun My sibling once attack me too and i never ever blamed that person because i knew it was the illness attacking me you feel remorse as did she because she would never hurt me i know that
I say if you had no control then no you are not an abuser but it is good you can see what the illness does so you know to keep yourself well so you donot harm anyone again hugs
 

Terry

Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
#4
It's hard, when in the grip of an illness, to be kind and considerate.
The only thing you can do is try to make reperation after an event, but am guessing that nearest and dearest are well aware you don't mean to be cruel, it's just the illness talking.
 

Evixen

SF Veteran
#5
Hey Jason :) I don't know how to answer your question, but recently I was diagnosed as Schizoaffective too.. I've hit people off my meds too. I was very violent off my meds. So it's not just you.
 
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