Am I an abuser…? The reason why I ask is because I wonder if I’ve been one all my life. The reason why I think I may be is because I had a rough childhood. For those that don’t know, I have schizoaffective disorder. I hear voices that have me do all sorts of things. I am able to resist a lot now, because I am medicated. It wasn’t always that way. I was under their control a lot of the time. And many things I did was because I was asked, rather ordered by the voices to do. The reason why I think I may be, was because I was married- and eventually divorced, because if martial incompatibility, and the fact that I tried to kill her during a hallucination. That was her wording. We would get in bad fights. Fists were thrown; black eyes were made on both sides. Dishes were broken. I was always taught to defend myself, whether it was fighting or just verbal yelling. Most of this was done with the voice’s goading. They always wanted a fight to break out, because they thought of my ex-wife as being weak willed, and generally docile. For the most part, she was. The reason why I ask if I am an abuser is because I had no control over my behavior, and most of the time I was downright cruel. I enjoyed seeing the people I was with suffer. I am able to shut off my feelings at will. I hate myself for being this way. I have a therapist, and once we get through some other things, I will talk to him about this. That’s providing my therapist doesn’t get switched again. *sigh* So am I…?