Am I...? :(

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by marjoke, May 8, 2012.

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  1. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Am I so selfish? ...YES
    Am I such a bitch? ...YES
    Am I a big loser? ...YES
    Am I a complete failure? ...YES

    What on earth am I still doing here??? :'( I just want to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(
     
  2. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    No, you are not selfish.
    No, you are certainly not a bitch.
    No, you are definitely NOT a loser.
    No, you most certainly are never a failure.

    Why are you still on Earth? In my mind, anyway, you are still here, because even though you do not see it in yourself, you know deep inside yourself that you are worthy as much as everyone inthe World to be here. :hugtackles:
     
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You are none of those things Marjo.
    Please keep talking, tell us how you feel.
     
  4. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    How can you be any of those things, impossible I don't believe it for a second, it is your pain and depression talking, it is all the negativity you have inside of you. You are a kind hearted, thoughtful person NOT a bitch or loser. You are still on Earth because you are a good perosn full of potential to do wonderful things including helping people on here people like me. You are a courageous person with a good soul who is just lost and needs help to their way again. Keep hanging on Marjo x
     
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I don't think you are any of those things! You seem like a wonderful person, and you are here for a reason...your life can get better....please don't give up.
     
  6. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed

    Marjoke, you're none of those things.
    I think you're a very kindhearted person, i really wish you could only see that.
    I'm thinking of you, i'm concerned about you, please take good care of yourself.
     
  7. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    when I wrote this 'thread'...I had thought you people here would react this way...

    when I look inside myself I can just find a complete mess...nothing positive...nothing like you all discribes me...so why can't you see that? Why wouldn't you see the truth??
    I am not worthed...you are all too kind to me...I certainly don't deserve that...I am bad...so bad...and so desperately...
    I wish I could die...now...
     
  8. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    Can you tell us then why you are so bad and do selfish and such a bitch? There are positives and negatives to everything and you can see one side of the coin whilst those of us on the outside, unaffected by bias, can see the other side. Nobody is perfect and we are all selfish in our lives to some degree, this goes for every human being. But are you truly a bad person? Are you truly a loser? Do none of your good qualities, or selfless kind acts - as small as they may seem to you - do none of those count? Why do only the negative ones count for something?

    In my eyes a bad person is a child abuser, a rapist, a murderer, and so on. I am a bitch too sometimes. I think bad things and I wish bad things on the people who are cruel to me. I say awful things to my mum, things I should never say. But does that make me a bad person? No because I know I have a good heart and good intentions, and everyone has to think and behave selfishly sometimes, we put ourselves first sometimes it is human nature and a survival instinct too sometimes. Sure, I think I am a loser and failure in life, I can't even get my drivers licence ffs. I have no home of my own I live with my mum at 27 years old. I have walked out on yet another job because I cannot face to be around people and because I cannot go a day without wanting to kill myself. But I know deep down that my failures are not me and they are not my fault. They are because of my ciurcumstances. Perhaps you can seperate your failures from yourself this way also. We didn;t ask for these problems did we? I could harp on about unfair it is but we both know that gets us nowhere. You have left me messages on numerous occassions when you didn't have to, when you have your own $hit going on. Is that the act of a person who is truly bad to core, 100%? No. So you are not perfect, big deal, none of us are, especially those of us on these kind of forums who have been dealt a poor hand in life. The fact that you are even breathing right here right now and taking the steps to reach out for support shows what a winner you are, NOT a loser. And you do deserve kindness. The day someone tells me I do not deserve kindness is the day I realise that this life I have lived thus far well it all really truly does mean nothing at all in the end. I want to overdose again tonight.I know what you feel and what you want so badly. But I will never EVER under any cirumstances believe you to be truly bad or a complete faliure. We have all failed things here and we will probably continue to do so. But the winning part is where we keep on trying and trying and trying. We will always be winners, just different kinds to the ones living next to us. xx
     
  9. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    We see the outside, not the turmoil within.
    We know you are not selfish/loser/bitch/failure, because we see how you act on here. We see someone stifled by grief, and I for one only wish I could help.

    I would like you to try to explain why you are bad?
     
  10. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Maybe I am not bad...but I feel as being bad...I feel just bad...
    My life is a complete mess...I can't manage to 'move on' like I should be...I live more in the past than in the presence...I do want to return the time if I could...I would be a much better person...if Cedric was still alive...
    But now...I just feel bad...I feel like a loser...I feel like a failure...I feel like a bitch...I feel very selfish... to ask attention over here... knowing that everybody here has his own (severe) problems but I can only see/feel mine...
    I can only take from all the people who lent their hand to me...I should offering too... giving support to others who might need it more than I do...but all I do is complaining about myself all the time...I shouldn't drawn myself in pity all the time...I should move on...being happy with what I do have...but what I most wanted is taken away from me...and I can not handle that...
    sorry...I'll try not to complain anymore...I will try to be a better person to the ones that really deserve that...so please...don't pay further attention to me...
     
  11. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Your problems and feelings are real Marjo, and they are understandable.
    There is a time to lean on people and a time to give back. You are in the first of those, and hopefully one day you will enter the second.
    Please do not get caught up on how you should feel, simply be open to the idea that one day things will be better.
     
  12. Whispers

    Whispers Banned Member

    Hi Marjoke. Pleasure to meet you. Wanted to welcome you to the community and tell you I hope you enjoy your stay.

    That doesn't mean you have nothing positive. Sometimes our current troubles are so big and right in our face and we can't see the good in us. It's like the old saying, "You can't see the forest for the trees." It means sometimes we're so wrapped up in a situation, all we see are the trees and branches and not the rest of the beauty of the forest. Can't see the beautiful landscape, wonderful animals, the birds, the gorgeous sunset over the forest, etc.

    Also, we often deal with issues incorrectly when they are our own. Ever notice people are terrific at giving others advice and helping individuals through tough times, yet don't take their own advice when confronted with problems of their own? That's what I'm talking about. Life is constantly throwing obstacles at us. Sometimes, that obstacle seems too daunting and impossible to overcome and matters seem bleak and hopeless. But here's the thing, and there's really no getting around this---every obstacle can be overcome. You may not be able to figure out how to get past it on your own, but it is passable. Sometimes you just need someone to show you the way and point you in the right direction.

    But life doesn't always throw obstacles at you. Sometimes it throws some really good stuff too. It may not seem now life will hand you anything wonderful again, but it does. Always. You have have to be strong and get through this dark point of your life so you can get to the good stuff. It will happen for you if you want it.
     
  13. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    I don't believe anymore I will get 'good stuff' in this life...that things will get better...It's one big mess...one big misery...one big deep black hole...I will never get out again...it is all so hopeless...I can't fight against it anymore...sorry for everything...
     
  14. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    What other interests do you have Marjo?
    What do you do with your time may I ask?
     
  15. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    I do sleep a lot...about 18 hours...taking pills to be able to sleep and forget about life for a while...
    the time I'm awake I spent at the computer...doing something of housekeeping...some paperwork...spent time in Cedrics corner...not really much actually...not an interesting life...I just try to close the world and everything that causes pain around me outside...
     
  16. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    May I give you some advice? Try not to spend time in Cedric's corner. I think this may be disrupting the natural process of your mind accepting that he is gone.
    I think I may have asked you this, but do you read?
     
  17. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i think you are great!!
     
  18. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    That is the problem right there: When you look inside yourself.

    You cannot see yourself through the eyes of others looking back at you. so what you think and feel about yourself is all based on what you think and you think that they are right, because you have nothing else to base them on. Why do you not stop for one second and give a thought that what another person - all of us looking back at you think and, even if you cannot accept what we say and begin to realise that we would not say such things about you unless they were true.
     
  19. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    yes windlepoons...I do read it...I do...but I need Cedric's corner so bad...I need it to make it through another day...and maybe I can't let him go because of that...but I don't want him to go...difficult to explain...sorry
     
  20. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    I really try to believe you...or the others...but it so hard to believe...
    I just feel what I feel...about me...and I can't help it...
    I don't believe in myself...I can only hate myself for the person I have become after Cedric has passed away...and that person is really bad...I hate it...
     
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