Am making plans

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by betteroffunknown, Mar 21, 2016.

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  1. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I can't sleep atm even though I'm exceedingly tired, even took my sleeping med, yet here I sit.

    Everything is wrong atm, and can't see any way thru the darkness. As I toss and turn attempting to fall asleep all I can do is think of what I need to do to finally exit this miserable existence.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Have you made any more progress in talking to your therapist and re-establishing the trust that became an issue that you mentioned in a previous post? It really seems like you are trying to deal with a lot of things on your own. I hope you consider talking to your therapist, or if not ready or not able to do that how about sharing some of the issues making things so difficult for you now on here and possibly some of the members here can offer some ideas to help make things better for you? Really most people just want the pain to stop or want to see it is possible to make progress on solving a mountain of issues that may seem insurmountable- let some others try to help so you do not need to go at it all alone .

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
     
  3. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Ben! It's not that I care to tackle everything alone; it's honestly not. Admittedly, I do attempt to handle things alone more than I used to, but can only guess that's probably the PTSD holding me back. There are times I try to reach out, but rarely does it go ok enough that I feel alright about doing it again.

    I've seen my therapist twice since starting back. We did touch on the trust issue however I've not really been able to process our convo because another traumatic situation struck which had my therapist exceedingly concerned. Actually even she was almost freaking out. (So I guess that's good to know she cares.) So that's torn me away from even processing that.

    EVERY time I start planning to tackle even just one thing on my long list another profoundly significant and/or traumatic situation bashes me upside the head. I can't tell you how much I wish I were exaggerating, but I'm not. I seriously can't keep up anymore!!!! It's never been like this until the past 2yrs.

    I would try to share it here, but there's too much to share to help people understand anything I would convey. It's usually too involved, and I always try to shorten things, but that hasn't proven helpful. Quite frankly it's been my experience that when I share a lot it's too much for others to read (which is totally understandable), so I've given up trying.
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I do understand about how things can pile up. If I took a 2-3 year snap shot of my own life and what has happened / all the major incidents, any that read I feel certain would either be convinced i was making it up or simply give up reading as the list would be too long to every get through with enough detail to add context. The simple truth is, sometimes lots of serious things do come about in rapid succession so it is impossible to recover from one before you are dealing with another- I know because has happened to me as well.

    I cannot say what will actually help you. I can only say for me, it was the realization that " closure" and "full resolution" are not real things, at least not in my world. Some things hurt if I think about them, period, and will continue to do so. And I have come to realize that i will never "feel good about" all the past issues. In my case, I also realized I do not need to "feel good about them". It is okay if some things bother me and I cant make sense of them. But what I can do is not focus on the bad things, and treat the past as the past and thankfully gone. I can tery very hard when i feel myself starting to dwell on something to change th etopic or change what i am doing and break the thought flow so that i am not paralyzed and can continue living.

    It was far too easy for me to dwell and let those things consume my thoughts for hours on end , day and night, but with just a little more effort I can find ways to NOT dwell and instead look towards and plan for the future regardless of what the past had in it. Acceptance I cannot change the past is the only thing that has helped me move forward. While it still has some PTSD inclinations like careful planning for potential issues in the future, that has been more benefit then harm to me.

    I do not know this will help you at all, the real point is not that this worked for me so you do it and you will be fine because it may not work at all for you, we are different people with different pasts- but the point is that even when things pile up to the point they seemed insurmountable, they were not and it IS possible to find a method to deal with them that will work and make things worthwhile again. I hope you find a method of putting your past in it proper place of being in the past so you can live in the present too.
     
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  5. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    I don't even know what to say anymore tbh. Just that I realize the past is just that - past. I also believe there are things we can do something about and things we can't. I have accepted those things that are final, but not all of them are.

    If a person is victimized in a crime, and knows who the perpetrator is and/or can do something else about the situation does one encourage them to just take it laying down or encourage them to do something about it? If they finally find the incredible courage to do something about it accepting it will take a great deal of time and energy to do, and yet keep getting beat down by other traumas that keep coming up what then?

    The vast majority of my life is unbelievable, thus context is required.
     
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