am not loved

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Annihilation, Jun 21, 2014.

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  1. Annihilation

    Annihilation New Member

    today finally meet my ex, someone I was in love with for about few years now. I knew he didn't love me but since never told him I loved him and everything was vague, there was always a chance. today wanted to destroy that chance. wanted to put everything on the table, say what I feel and either develop this finally into something real, or just end it completely give up. Needed to know for sure and got my answer.

    he was willing to give it a try in order to please me.
    but I can't, I can't and wont be with someone who does not love me nor will I keep someone near me full knowing they feel nothing.

    we had sex at starter of meeting, then again after we talked. nothing ever felt so empty
    just wanted him to cum and go. and I love sex. usually never want it to end.
    today was horrible yet glad he came. been dreaming of holding him for so long it was nice finally doing it.
    and next week have some even more awful things expecting a modeling job I took to please a friend without taking in consideration just how fucking depressed I am and how stressful events as such are and court 2 days later duo to abusive neighbor am trying to get restraining order against and prosecuted.
    is there anything good? Really need something good.
    need a brake from feeling this sad.

    why would he? I bore him. This is me. I am depressed. Do cry a lot. My story's and thoughts revolve either sexual abuse thoughts of my dad or the traumatic ptsd events such as seeing kids outside that get me want to cut myself each time I see them.
    fear of becoming a pedophile like my father, impulses of death that never seem to go away and just sadness. This is what I have to offer.
    Thought love would be enough and if you love someone it will work on that along. On love.
    I am an idiot.
  2. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    I don't suppose you are an idiot. For instance, you seem to realize that "love isn't enough," because human love is imperfect, necessarily involving a "selfish" dimension. If you're not a pedophile now, I doubt you are likely to become one in future. Although I'm hardly expert in such matters.

    Best wishes. You deserve the best in life.
  3. Annihilation

    Annihilation New Member

    That's exactly why I am an idiot. Because I still believe love in itself should be enough and still think can find someone who thinks like me and is not materialistic selfish or shallow.

    and the reason I fear becoming one, is duo to already having tendency's.
    just fight them by never looking at kids, never having kids myself, ignoring their existence everywhere even crossing road each time I see them.
    almost got hit by a car. at one time had to cross street mid-day at busy hour over 10 times in 20 minutes.

    and thank you. was nice reading this.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Atleast you have the guts to confront your fears
  5. Annihilation

    Annihilation New Member

    thank you.
  6. Timo716

    Timo716 Member

    You are strong and know your weaknesses and that is so strong of you.

    I wish you all the best and strength .
    If you wanna talk pm me.
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