today finally meet my ex, someone I was in love with for about few years now. I knew he didn't love me but since never told him I loved him and everything was vague, there was always a chance. today wanted to destroy that chance. wanted to put everything on the table, say what I feel and either develop this finally into something real, or just end it completely give up. Needed to know for sure and got my answer. he was willing to give it a try in order to please me. but I can't, I can't and wont be with someone who does not love me nor will I keep someone near me full knowing they feel nothing. we had sex at starter of meeting, then again after we talked. nothing ever felt so empty just wanted him to cum and go. and I love sex. usually never want it to end. today was horrible yet glad he came. been dreaming of holding him for so long it was nice finally doing it. and next week have some even more awful things expecting a modeling job I took to please a friend without taking in consideration just how fucking depressed I am and how stressful events as such are and court 2 days later duo to abusive neighbor am trying to get restraining order against and prosecuted. is there anything good? Really need something good. need a brake from feeling this sad. why would he? I bore him. This is me. I am depressed. Do cry a lot. My story's and thoughts revolve either sexual abuse thoughts of my dad or the traumatic ptsd events such as seeing kids outside that get me want to cut myself each time I see them. fear of becoming a pedophile like my father, impulses of death that never seem to go away and just sadness. This is what I have to offer. Thought love would be enough and if you love someone it will work on that along. On love. I am an idiot.