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Ambivalent about a choice.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thermometer, May 10, 2009.

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  1. thermometer

    thermometer New Member

    (note: this is long, rambling, and only semi-coherent. I'm just gonna keep going until I find I'm repeating myself too much.)

    I'm not really sure what is going on, but it seems like it might be healthy to do something about it. I'm not in any sort of critical shape, but I also know that if something doesn't happen, I may decide to disappear.

    Frankly, I'm just coasting right now. I no longer feel any sort of drive to live, but I've not yet decided that I'm done living.

    The only light at the end of the tunnel that I can really conceive of is, well, the light at the end of the tunnel. If there is one.

    I'm trying to fix myself, but it's taking quite a while. And I look at all this effort, and say; Then what?

    I had some aspirations at one point, but they're pretty much done with.
    The main thing that's keeping me alive is the fact that if I were to decide to go away, I'd rather that the people who care about me not get upset about it.
    They're out there, and frankly it's a little baffling. I keep wanting to tell them to go away, I'm not worth it.....

    Frankly, I'm pretty messed up, inside. I'm not a danger to anyone but myself, but that's a far cry from who I'd like to be.

    It's ironic. Normally I'm optimistic and idealistic.
    That sort of thing can only be maintained for so long without some sort of validation.

    It doesn't help that I get rather suspicious about anyone who treats me well. I keep wondering what's in it for them. Again, ironic, I know the pleasure of altruism.

    I don't really know what to say. I keep wanting to say "I'm done." and mean it. I mostly want the pain to go away. I'm trying alternative methods, (counselling) but there's barriers to that, and it's looking like it'll be a long while before I'll be functional again.

    I don't want to be needed, but it would be nice to be appreciated once in a while. It feels like if I ask for it, it's kind of false. Hell, if you say to anyone "appreciate me", most decent people will do it.
    I just don't get it.

    It just really, really hurts to be me. I want it to stop hurting so much, so consistently. I'm not going to stop being me.
    Aw useleness.

    I don't know. Maybe something useful will come from throwing this bit of me and my experience out there.

    Here goes nothing.

  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Het Thermomitor,
    Welcome to the forum...You say there are boundries not to be crossed with your counselor.. Don't you think it would be better to lay all your cards on the table.. They can't put together a true treatment plan if your not totally honest with them..
    It sounds like you are fortune telling whith other people.. You can't get inside there heads and see whats going on.. Fortune telling is one of the cognitive distortions..It's a sub category of jumping to conclusions..
    You have come to the right place to get support.. The members here might be a little slow in coming at first for several reasons.. Just keep posting and jump right in offering any support you might have for others.. Take care!!
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