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an alternative?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by morning rush, Apr 18, 2009.

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  1. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I think that suicide would be a relief and I also think that I could do better work on the other side because I believe there's something after death...

    I don't want people to think I'm to be pitied, I'm just really tired of living..it's going no where and I have no one in my life that actually cares what happens to me because I live in my own world....

    Death is very clear to me, but I'm not sure when I want to do it...maybe there's a part of me that's hoping for an alternative...
  2. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    probably a good start wud b talking here about whats bothering u? might help u gain perspective.

    take care!
  3. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I literally live in my own world, I can't have a job or go to school and meeting people is just awkward because everyone wants to know what I do for a living...because of the pills I take, I'm getting way overweight even when I go to the gym and watch what I eat...I think it would be better to just start over...reset life or something...

    at the same time, I think maybe its just a bad day, that when I go to sleep and wake up tomorrow I'll feel better...

    But really, what kind of living am I living? Is that what life is all about?
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds like you are able to get out of the house. Thats a good thing.. It's a positive step forward..Have you considered joinging a support group?? You can talk about what ever you want top in them..They work for a lot of people,.. I tried two of them and found I couldn't contribute.. I do better one on one with my therapist..You need to let someone inside even if it's just us.. We will offer you whatever support we can.. Why do you think your in your own world??Is it med related, shyness, Or maybe abuse??There are alternatives out there..Take Care!!!
  5. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I havent really gone out in a while. Every time I try to go to the gym, I panic and end up not going. I still go out to get food and stuff though. I'm helping my best friend get out of an abusive relationship...Helping her is also helping me in the sense that I feel needed and it gives me a reason to keep going...

    I am in my own world because I dont really partake in society, I'm pretty much left on my own...I spend days alone with my lap top and tv...I don't really talk with anyone beside my best friend and my mom...

    I was physically and mentally abused by my father, my mother is schizophrenic and so I pretty much raised myself...I ended up in foster care when I was 16 after my uncle threatened to kill me...I survived all my life, I dont think I know out to live other than survive...

    I dunno why but somtimes I think of all the bad things one after the other and it get heavy, so heavy that I want it all to be over...what kind of human being can live like this...it doesnt really get better...

    I've had my share of therapist, but I'm so tired to tell my story...I feel like it gets me no where...
  6. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    have u tried deriving strength from ur own self? u have led pretty much an independent life. sometimes it does get tiring doesnt it.and it feels nice thinking of having someone else picking up things after u.. but then u seem to b a survivor n have done a darned good job of it till now!

    gym used to help me unwind. probably try to make it to the gym? getting into shape might help u feel more confident. definitely worth a try.

    and why is that u cant get a job?
  7. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I cant work because of my anxiety and social phobias. My anxiety is so strong that it drains me completely. I've tried many times to get a job but I end up being exausted around three months after I started and have to quit. The only real job I seem to be good at is author. I'm a published author but not making enough to live off my earning. For a while that was the only thing keeping me alive.

    I think you hit a nerve there, I'm too independent, but I don't think I know how to be dependent on others...I think also I tend to attrack dependent people who don't know how to be independent and so...they can never really help me...

    I know its all in me, and no matter how I try to work on different aspects...its like nothing works...in the end I'm better off alone but then I'm doing nothing and everything seems pointless...to live is pointless and going no where...I just dont know anymore
  8. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    imo, the opposite of 'being independent' is fortunately, not 'being dependent'. having someone to share life does not mean losing independence either.just some companionship - in any form, human or otherwise.

    why does work leave u exhausted? r u very idealistic? what is it? probably once u r able to understand that, u may venture out? just thinking loud.

    i think u havebeen so busy surviving that u have forgotten how to live. its annoying not having found the right therapist :( have u been professionally diagnosed with anxiety/phobia?

    u have this forum now. and u can come here to vent/have a scream/a good cry..whatever!

    and u can PM me anytime u choose!! u r always welcome.

    sometimes this 'being alone' thing can bcome a self fulfilling prophecy u know... many times we fool ourselves into believing a lot ofthingsabout ourselves.. i hope u find the strength to come out of this phase...
  9. asri

    asri Well-Known Member

    btw, have u explored this remote 'web authoring' or content writing? there seem to b a lot of opportunities. n u wudnt have to actively deal with people either. thinking aloud again!!!
  10. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I've been diagnosed with severe anxiety, social phobias and depression. I take meds for that. I'm always anxious and like it or not, being anxious drains you of your energy. I'm so anxious that I can stay awake for days unless I take my meds.

    I think you're right, I've forgotten how to live life. I'm only surviving. I also think I'm afraid to live life. Not sure why though...

    As for therapists, I think I'm going to try again to find one. I'll try not to give up...
  11. Silver_Wasp

    Silver_Wasp Member

    You sound so much like me it's unbelieveable! Perhaps I might be able to help you think about things differently.

    Let me tell you about myself,
    I was abused phisically and verbally by my father as a child. I was lost and confused and by age 8 my parents forced me to go on medication. I had no idea why my parent's thought I needed it, I was depressed, but any child would be. I was on about 18 prescription medications a day, and by age 14 I was 345 lbs. A blimp for my age. I was on so many medications that I was unable to even think correctly, but if I went off any I went into withdrawls that are even worse. I somehow made it through Jr. High and went to my first year of high school. My best friend took his own life after I mentioned my plan to him. I was finished with life. I went to an alturnitive high school and finished there. But I always lived in my basment. I had no other friends, just what video games I had and food.

    I was Socially unable to do anything, I was too depressed to care about anything, No future, no hope.

    I later did some things to change my life, but I was the one who did it. You need self motivation. I was inspired not by any one person or thing. But everything! I decidid that I can make my very own happy joyous world without worrying about ANYONE! I did what made me and others happy. There is a good side and a bad side to everything, I picked all the good things I saw in people, then I assembled my future personallity. I made myself an amazing person. I think everyone has people they look up to, take the things you like best about them and use that in your life. Write interesting quotes you find, study them, rethink them into your own amazing self.

    For intance, recently I found a girl that had a very interseting signature on her posts. It was a riddle:

    "When I fall, I intinctavly put my hands in front of me to save myself. Suicide is the same as falling, how do I save myself from suicide?"

    I was thrilled to answer this for her. The answer is you can not save yourself. My reply was that you must call to someone, tell them you're about to fall, and allow someone else to catch you. Those who care won't let you fall, as long as they know that you're falling. It's natural human nature to help something bad from happening.

    Think of someone cooking, they put a glass of water on the counter next to them, then they turn to grab something else. But as they turn back, they see the glass about to fall. Their instinct kicks in and they leap to the glass.
    It's just like that. =D

    I understand how you must feel, I was there. But now I am here, and I am about to go to college, and get a degree in Behavioral Sciences. I am truly happy. But only because I have felt true dispair. You can't understand one unless you understand the other.

    The experiences you have now can aid you in the future if you allow them to. You have to look at them as something you were ment to learn. I am nothing but happy I've been able to experience the emotions that I have now.

    I will talk about anything, I hope you are doing alright, and if you would like to send me a private message, feel free! I am putting a lot of hope into you! So hold on, and if you feel you can't, then call someone and say, "I'm falling!" ;)
  12. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    The thing is I always tried hard to work things out, to get out of the slump I was in. I went into therapy, I went into a special school called the adolescent treatment program to overcome my problems. I even went into a special 6 week working program to france in order to help myself out of where I was. I never gave up until recently.

    Part of it too was that I was taking a medication that was putting me to sleep. It was so strong that all I did was sleep and with that med I gained 100 pounds in one year. Because of that my family doctor wrote a note to my psychiatrist to reduce the dosage to nul. That med was prescribed to me because I couldnt sleep. So far I've reduced it by half and I feel a bit better...more awake...

    I guess sometimes I get very disscouraged...but you're right I need to look at all the positive things that are happening in my life and around me...
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