An anonymous rant

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Badgers, Jan 16, 2011.

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  1. Badgers

    Badgers New Member

    Apologies in advance. This is going to go ten different directions at once.

    I'm 22, and have been miserable since I was 17. I'm pragmatic (making this extra silly for me) extremely intelligent, good looking, with a loving, supportive family, and no justification for my misery.

    I'm one of those people who just has to be the "solid" one around. I'm always the one to approach for advice, I'm always the one who plays devil's advocate when needed, and always has the secular opinion. But I keep everyone at arm's length. I've had plenty of relationships (some long, some short) but nothing that stuck. I've had good, close friends, but I seem to push them away just far enough to where we don't talk. I work with people (and excel at teaching adults and children) but it's all a show. I sometimes don't answer the phone from my mother, just because I feel like I don't deserve to talk to her. I've got a ton of interests, but severe ADD about keeping up with any of them. I'm seeing a therapist, but I just can't be honest with him. I can't be honest with -anyone,- because I've built this image of what I feel I need to be like in this world.

    It all stems from my future, and how I dread getting there. I've got goals of becoming a doctor, but I can't will myself to go to classes. I've struggled with it since graduating high school. Moving around from college to college, I've completed maybe one partial semester in four years. I sleep absolutely horridly. Was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea, but with a CPAP machine and a sleeping pill to let me actually fall asleep (severe ADD insomnia) I sleep 7 hours, go to class (this quarter I've only missed a few days, so I'm not gone yet) come home, and have to sleep for another 2-4 hours, just to make it until bedtime. I have a hard time justifying homework, despite the fact that I usually wind up enjoying it. Am I depressed? Absolutely. I don't leave the house outside of school and work, because I can't afford to do anything, nor do I have any close enough friends to do anything with. I can't even get enough hours at work, my parents are paying my rent at the moment. And I've been letting them down, which makes me even more depressed. People scare the shit out of me. I need them, but I can't stay close to them. The only exception is a relationship, but I haven't met anyone who, to be blunt, deserved me (crazy, unfaithful, incompatible, etc.) with the singular exception of someone not mature enough to make time for me. I have had friends who would take a bullet for me, but I don't want to talk to them anymore.

    I don't know what my problem is, where it comes from, or how to treat it. I'm not suicidal yet, but I find myself more and more interested in the act itself (how I would do it, who I'd give my things to, how I'd justify such a selfish act to my parents) Is it my garbage sleep causing mental problems, or is it my mental problems causing my garbage sleep? Is it possible to fix this vicious cycle without sacrificing my goals, and my need to be solid and stable in the eyes of those around me? Because I know where I want to be, what I want to do, and I can offer everything that everyone around me needs. But I can't do the things I want for -myself.- I can satisfy everyone but me. And it's getting harder and harder to justify.

    Sorry for this rant. I just needed to say something out loud, anonymously. And 4chan would be a bad place to do it :rolleyes: I'm sure there's more going on in my head, but I won't drag this further.
     
  2. You have very high expectations of yourself and i think you are putting too much pressure on yourself to suceed and maybe you feel people will think of you different if you dont. You do not have to feel this way and need to give yourself a bit of a break.
     
  3. Badgers, Welcome to SF.. :)

    I think you should go see a doctor to correct your sleeping condition.. also don't pressure yourself.. If you want to study medicine, then you need to put in effort to study smart.. (if you know the correct study technique, it is unnecessary to turn up for every classes..) I didn't turn up for most of my classes and i was an ex-medical student.. (kicked out from medical school in my 3rd year for some medical problem)..

    Don't ever think of suicide.. It's NO good.. We are here to help you in SF forum.. Go for some breaks to relax yourself and don't stress up yourself too much.. All the best and hope to hear from you soon.. Take care.. :)
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 16, 2011
  4. NoMoneyToPlease

    NoMoneyToPlease Banned Member

    Very preemptive on the suicide front.Respeck. ;)

    Good stuff young person,good stuff.
    You have a fairer chance than most of getting to grips with what the actual problem is.
     
  5. Badgers

    Badgers New Member

    The entire thing is a struggle. Missing class actually is hard to do when you have goals like mine (missing labs just doesn't work)

    You need to be prescribed a CPAP machine and ambien, I am seeing a doctor about it. But there is always a "give it a month" period between appointments to see how it works. And thusfar, it feels like I'm just digging a hole with no returns.

    I feel like all I do is take breaks. I feel lazy and unaccomplished.

    My biggest problem with therapy is that I hear nothing that I haven't already thought of. I know I need to stop pushing myself so hard. But I think about myself just being "content," and it disgusts me. I want desperately to find some motivation towards achieving my goals. It's just not there. I don't know if it's laziness, depression, or my sleep troubles. But the process of finding out is agonizingly slow.
     
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