Apologies in advance. This is going to go ten different directions at once. I'm 22, and have been miserable since I was 17. I'm pragmatic (making this extra silly for me) extremely intelligent, good looking, with a loving, supportive family, and no justification for my misery. I'm one of those people who just has to be the "solid" one around. I'm always the one to approach for advice, I'm always the one who plays devil's advocate when needed, and always has the secular opinion. But I keep everyone at arm's length. I've had plenty of relationships (some long, some short) but nothing that stuck. I've had good, close friends, but I seem to push them away just far enough to where we don't talk. I work with people (and excel at teaching adults and children) but it's all a show. I sometimes don't answer the phone from my mother, just because I feel like I don't deserve to talk to her. I've got a ton of interests, but severe ADD about keeping up with any of them. I'm seeing a therapist, but I just can't be honest with him. I can't be honest with -anyone,- because I've built this image of what I feel I need to be like in this world. It all stems from my future, and how I dread getting there. I've got goals of becoming a doctor, but I can't will myself to go to classes. I've struggled with it since graduating high school. Moving around from college to college, I've completed maybe one partial semester in four years. I sleep absolutely horridly. Was recently diagnosed with sleep apnea, but with a CPAP machine and a sleeping pill to let me actually fall asleep (severe ADD insomnia) I sleep 7 hours, go to class (this quarter I've only missed a few days, so I'm not gone yet) come home, and have to sleep for another 2-4 hours, just to make it until bedtime. I have a hard time justifying homework, despite the fact that I usually wind up enjoying it. Am I depressed? Absolutely. I don't leave the house outside of school and work, because I can't afford to do anything, nor do I have any close enough friends to do anything with. I can't even get enough hours at work, my parents are paying my rent at the moment. And I've been letting them down, which makes me even more depressed. People scare the shit out of me. I need them, but I can't stay close to them. The only exception is a relationship, but I haven't met anyone who, to be blunt, deserved me (crazy, unfaithful, incompatible, etc.) with the singular exception of someone not mature enough to make time for me. I have had friends who would take a bullet for me, but I don't want to talk to them anymore. I don't know what my problem is, where it comes from, or how to treat it. I'm not suicidal yet, but I find myself more and more interested in the act itself (how I would do it, who I'd give my things to, how I'd justify such a selfish act to my parents) Is it my garbage sleep causing mental problems, or is it my mental problems causing my garbage sleep? Is it possible to fix this vicious cycle without sacrificing my goals, and my need to be solid and stable in the eyes of those around me? Because I know where I want to be, what I want to do, and I can offer everything that everyone around me needs. But I can't do the things I want for -myself.- I can satisfy everyone but me. And it's getting harder and harder to justify. Sorry for this rant. I just needed to say something out loud, anonymously. And 4chan would be a bad place to do it I'm sure there's more going on in my head, but I won't drag this further.