An appetite for pain

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by AstroAshton92, Dec 25, 2011.

  1. AstroAshton92

    AstroAshton92 Active Member

    I feel a way about my sexuality.

    The duality of sexual males and females is that when a man has a lot of sex, whether it be aggressive or not it is seen as an attractive, confident quality, and when a female has a lot of sex under the same circumstances, it is seen as a self control problem.

    I learned on from an early age that I had a fetish for pain. It was around my first real relationship when I cheated and had told the truth about what I had done. I was 17 at the time, and my boyfriend 18. He called me a ***** and said I didn't think, and told me I was like every other ***** out there, but then said he would stay with me. After the 3-in-the-morning phone call I promptly went to my bathroom, dismantled a blade, and dragged it downwards on my wrists, making patterns and writing an apology note to show to him at school. The way it felt, the chills in my skin and loins, satisfied me enough to fall asleep clutching my arm and thinking of ways to hide it.
    I find myself clutching my neck at work, or swooning at the thought or the few women or men I've come across who have given me the satisfaction, or thinking about cutting again, and I feel like I'm wrong to want to, but what if I'm not? Its confusing. People like what they like, but how do I defend myself form judgment? Yes it's clear that I have emotional problems, but is the way to cope through my sexuality okay or morally wrong?
    After that point I always wanted to but stopped because I was caught, and now, years from then in a monogamous relationship I feel like a sexual prisoner in my own home. Because my lover is not that way, though it provoked he can be rough with me if I plead hard enough. Never cutting, or hitting.
    Even now just to feel like I can feel I hope those things will happen to me, or that when my boyfriend and I fight he'll hurt me when he's angry, which is a long shot because he never has or will. Am I a masochist?
    What the hell is wrong with me...
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you may be. Have you read any books on the subject?
    Just a warning, pain given through a partner's anger may satisfy but it is very dangerous. He may not stop when you would want, especially if he feels you are enjoying it.
    Does he know how you feel about this?
     
  3. AstroAshton92

    AstroAshton92 Active Member

    No I've neglected to tell him, though I have been coaxing him to do things that are generally unnoticeable under aggressive sexual content. He knows I like some of these things but not to the extent that I'm unhappy feeling like I have to hide that part of me. He's not the type to be like I'd want, so I'm afraid I'll scare him off.
     
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Can you leave book on the subject around, that sort of thing?
    I think you have a choice, ignore these needs and risk being desperate and unfulfilled later on in life, or see if your partner will indulge you in this role play.
     
  5. AstroAshton92

    AstroAshton92 Active Member

    I suppose that's what I'll have to do, but if it's something he can't do he'll probably want to leave me. The question is should I let him? I don't want, especially now, but I don't want to force him into anything. We might just be two different people, and maybe we only had an intimate interest in each other. Maybe it's not love
     
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I do not know the answer to that, it must be your decision.
    But do not end up cheating on him with someone who will give you what you want.

    Could you live without it?
     
  7. AstroAshton92

    AstroAshton92 Active Member

    I could, but I don't want to keep running into awkward incidents where I have to explain myself. I'd never cheat...but I don't like the feeling of being trapped it's something I've learned to avoid due to anxiety
     
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Then you must introduce your partner to your needs. If he is unwilling to accommodate you then he cannot be the one for you.