Well I guess I really am an ass (Hoshi said it best). But it doesn't change what I have to do. I started saying my good byes today. Not in a way that anyone will realize what is happening. And I am not even really doing it for me. I just don't want my sisters and brother to think that I would be so rude to leave them and not say good bye. Yet I don't know why I do it. They left me a long time ago and never really said good bye. They just stopped saying all together. You know, I bet I could come right and say Well it's been a slice, I'm going to kill myself this weekend, see ya on the flip side. Their response, yeah, okay, sure you are. During my last hospitalization, they complained relentlessly about having to look after my 2 year old. The older ones pretty much stayed at home so that they could get to school. My mother told me "the next time you do this, tell his dead beat father to take him or get CFS to take him. Do you know that your father couldn't watch his TV the whole time you were in the hospital? Your kid made it almost impossible!" Wow, even the TV ranks higher than me. And they call that an idiot box! So when I say that I can't keep doing this on my own, I really mean it. I have NO ONE. All I really wanted was some one to take me in their arms, give me a big hug and say it is finally ok for me to cry. It is finally okay for me to be the weak one and they would look after me for a change. Not only have I had to be strong all these years to keep fighting my demons, but I have had to be strong for everyone else. To help the sister that got pregnant before she got married (very taboo mom and dad are very old school). How I made her wedding dress so that it hid the evidence. To help my brother and sister through their seperations and new relationships. To hold my sister's hand during her abortion when she was 15. To help raise my brothers kids when he couldn't. To do and do again for my ex and just get the shit kicked out of me or raped for not doing it good enough or to his standards. To help and hold my friend's hand as she died from breast cancer. To raise the baby by myself after his dad promised to be there no matter what (when I found out I was pregnant, I told him I wouldn't be able to do this on my own with my mental health issues and he said he would always be there. Then he f*cked off on the day of baby's 1st birthday). Maybe this is pay back all the pain and agony and suffering I have endured for the times I slipped and didn't try to keep my demons at bay or wasn't strong enough for every one else. Killing myself is the reward. Well, someone is now willing to give me that hug. My old friend the blackness. He has already started to wrap around me like a soothing favorite old robe. And I know he will never abuse me or leave me. He will welcome me to his home and keep me safe, secure and finally give me the pain free existance I long for and the sleep to which I will never feel completely exhausted ever again. Do what you want with this rambling. But it is important to me. I need to get these things out to justify my lousy existance and to show everybody what an ass I really am!!!!