An Excerpt From My Life Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Calm Frenzy, Jul 22, 2010.

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  1. Calm Frenzy

    Calm Frenzy Member

    Hi, I'm Calm Frenzy. I'm new to the forum. I came here intending to read some stories and maybe learn something. Then, as I was reading through various stickies, I found this:

    I've always felt guilty for thinking about suicide because I feel like my life is good enough. I feel like I'm complaining about little things that don't matter to anyone else. Of course, I've always known the above statement was true, on an intellectual level, but living it is quite different. So when I saw that, I knew this was a place I could talk and share.

    There's not much of a tl:dr for this, so just soldier through. My thoughts can be lengthy and digressive. Good luck, you'll need it.

    First, a little background information. I live in a small town in the Midwest. I'm 17 and will be a senior in high school this fall. I live with my mom and dad. About six months ago my older brother moved out to live with his girlfriend. I have a cat that I adore. Her name is Baby Girl. My interests include religion, philosophy, computers, math, movies, human rights, psychology, music, writing, reading, playing flash games, and other things, I'm sure. I am white, male, gay, agnostic/questioning/searching, INTJ (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), overweight, blonde, quite for lack of friendly ears, smart (so I've been told), neurotic, fun or boring depending on who you ask, depressed much of the time, content enough the rest of the time, and a Libra. That last one was a joke, heh.

    I wasn't always depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts, but I feel that I've just been accumulating bad thoughts and feelings over the years that it's all coming to the breaking point.

    So I'll just dive right in.

    I recognize that many of my issues stem from the fact that I'm gay and my journey through that, but I refuse to accept that that's were ALL of it comes from. I'll just start with my gayness.

    When I went through puberty I knew I was interested in men. I was never confused about that aspect. It felt perfectly fine and I didn't question it. I never felt the need to tell anyone because I didn't think there was anything to tell. Then in 7th grade I discovered the meaning of the word "gay." Thinking back, it's probably more accurate to say that before then I had never attached the label "gay" to myself. Regardless, in 7th grade I had this sudden realization that I was gay and that meant I was different. Allow me to digress for a moment. I was never a "macho" boy. That's not to say I was feminine. I just never liked sports, fart jokes, getting into trouble, acting tough, and other "macho" stuff. I was sensitive, smart, and usually more mature than the other guys. Back to the 7th grade. That year, my parents made me play football. They said I had to try it once and if I didn't like it, that's ok. "If you don't try, you'll never know" kind of thing. I grumbled, but I understood their thinking. In my mind they were just trying to make me into "one of the boys," but I couldn't refute their logic. So I played football. I was trying to understand my sexuality and the macho-tough-guy environment of football didn't help things. Often the locker room and practice were filled with heterosexual showboating and homophobia. I tried to deny my homosexuality and become "one of the guys." I stopped hanging out with my friends and starting hanging out with the football guys. On the outside I was doing well. I was a decent player and even earned a reputation when I pummeled a big 8th grader in practice. I was fitting in. But on the inside I hated it. I hated football, my talents were more intellectual than physical. I hated most of the guys, they were typical jocks. I hated not being able to deal with my sexuality. I wanted to quit football but my parents said I had to stick it out. So I did. When it was over I said "thank God" and swore I'd never play again. My new "friends" were disappointed that I didn't play the next year, but I didn't really care about them. I went back to my real friends and they acted like I never left. It was great. I guess the point of this part is that 7th grade is the year the shit really hit the fan. I was depressed because I couldn't figure things out. I had a lot of resentment towards my parents for making me endure football. Still, I was never depressed to the point of thoughts of suicide. That came later.

    After football season ended in 7th grade I got away from that "macho" atmosphere. But I still was in the same mindset. It went so far that I developed a crush on by best (girl) friend. She was my best friend then, my best friend now, and I love her more than anyone in the world. But I could never deny that I liked men and not woman. As I thought about my "crush" on her I realized I had no sexual or romantic feelings for her. I realized I didn't want to date her or marry her one day, I just wanted to be her friend forever. I decided it was more of an infatuation than a crush. Though all of these feelings were confusing, I now understand it was an important stepping stone on my way to understanding myself. It was a step forward because if I couldn't be in love with the most beautiful, wonderful, smartest, kindest girl in the world, I knew I couldn't be in love with any girl.

    Story break: Sorry if this is all unnecessary and boring. I'm partly venting and partly leading up to my ultimate (recent) feelings of suicide. I told you my thoughts can be lengthy.

    Right, so 8th grade comes around. No football, so I get away from that environment and those people. I start to explore and understand my sexuality a little more. Of course, at this time my thoughts don't get much more elaborate than "Oh. My. God! I'm gay. I can't believe it! I'm gay. I'm going to be gay for the rest of my life! Oh. My. God!" Being able to THINK the words "I'm gay." was my accomplishment that year.

    9th grade. I developed my first REAL crush. The bassist in band. I played trumpet and I stood right next to him. We were friends, but not close. During band we would exchange glances and smiles. His eyes made me forget time and his smile reminded me of everything that is perfect in the universe. It sounds silly, but I knew he liked me as much as I liked him. I say it sounds silly because he was straight. He dated girls. And besides his soulful glances and intoxicating smiles, nothing ever happened between us. To this day I swear he loved me, but that didn't really matter. Because I was too scared to say anything and he never did either. In 9th grade I came to grips with my sexuality more than ever before. I had experienced my first REAL crush and there was no doubt in my mind. I was gay.

    From the beginning of 9th grade to the end of 10th grade I was deeply in love with the bassist. And it was excruciatingly painful. Painful because I couldn't tell him. Painful because I could never get close to him. Painful because I KNEW he liked me too. Painful because I felt I had no one to talk to. Painful because from the second I woke up in the morning to the second I fell asleep, and occasionally in my dreams, I thought about him. It was also the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me. I was in love and that made me happy, pure and simple. Thinking about it now still makes my heart flutter. I'm no longer in love with him, and we've grown apart as friends, but he's still a very great guy.

    So, my crush on the bassist really made me realize I could live with this gay thing. Liking him made me feel wonderful, so it can't be that bad. But I wasn't worried about myself coping with it. I was worried about how other people would react. The town I live in is Christian. Like most of the Midwest. Like most of America. I realized "Christian" didn't automatically mean "gay basher," but there is an outspoken portion of Christians that have strong, negative feelings about homosexuality and I couldn't be too careful. So I started preparing for the worst case. Each day I told myself that if all my friends leave me when I tell them I'm gay, that's ok because that means they were never really my friends. That no matter what happens the human spirit will endure. All those cliche things. I thought about being gay bashed and my parents kicking me out and all the other horrible things they do to queers in Hicktown, America. I thought about every worst case scenario so that when it happened I'd be prepared. But it didn't prepare me for anything. It just turned my heart into stone. It distanced me from my friends and family. It made me depressed. Eventually all those thoughts stopped being "preparations" and started being "I know this is what's going to happen to me if I come out." I was very depressed and very alone. I had convinced myself that I couldn't talk to anyone or my world would end. Of course, the closet isn't much of a world at all.

    Story break: So far I've talked about 5th grade (beginning of puberty) to the end of 9th grade (still in love with the bassist. will be until end of 10th grade). Thanks for sticking with it.

    Let me digress a bit and tell you about my friends. (Names have been changed for privacy.) My best friend since preschool has been Kathy. She's the girl I had the "crush" on. I love her so much. She's the most amazing girl I know. She was always friends with Patty. I liked Patty but we didn't hang out until junior high. She's weird and quirky in the best way. They're both friends with Maddy. Maddy came to our school in 3rd grade. She's a little annoying and bratty, but she's all right. My best guy friend is Mark. We were always friendly, but we became best friends in 4th grade. He's probably the only one in the world who really gets my humor and personality. And, besides Kathy, he's my only intellectual equal (note I don't TRY to come off as arrogant, but more often than not that's the only way I know how to say things). Finally, our group is complete with Jack. Jack came to our school in 6th grade. We didn't immediately become friends, but in junior high Jack, Mark, and I were the three amigos. We were the best of friends. And with the three girls, the six of us became a strong group. To me, they were my gang. My best buds. We all had other friends, and people came and went from the group, but the six of us always stuck together. We were always labeled as the smart kids, the music kids (we all were talented musicians), or the good kids. And although none of us were jocks, our school was small enough that the smart kids became just as popular as the athletes. We were the "in" crowd. I'll admit life was good on the outside. I had friends and people considered me the smartest person in my class, so I was popular. I didn't have a lot to complain about. Except this gay thing. Even though I felt good about myself as a person, there was still this secret. There was this secret that killed me inside. There was still this barrier between me and my friends. There was this fear that I'd lose it all if anyone found out I was gay. See, everyone I knew was a "good Christian" and I feared that. I assumed that they'd hate me because I was gay. So I hid it and didn't even try to talk to them about it. This is were Jason comes into the story.

    Jason came to my school in the 8th grade. He was everything I didn't like. He was immature. He swore. He was a typical teenage idiot. I didn't talk to him. He hung out with the jocks and I stayed with my friends and we didn't bother each other. Then in 9th grade Jason started hanging out with Mark. I thought that was weird because I know Mark wouldn't hang with a loser. So I started to get to know Jason. Jason turned out to be what my life was missing. We became fast friends. I found out he was actually pretty smart. He was DEFINITELY immature, but he was also sensitive. And he swore! I never swore around my friends because I knew they didn't like it, but I sure thought the words. Jason didn't care. I could swear around him. I could be immature. I could stop being the goody two shoes everyone thought I was and be myself around him. I'm not ashamed to admit that by 10th grade I felt closer to Jason than to any of my other friends, even though I had only known Jason for less than two years.

    (10th grade)
    Jason was the first person I told I was gay. We were hanging out one day and he said something about church on Sunday. (Sidenote: My family stopped going to church when I was in elementary. I never really believed in all that, but my mom did. My dad never went to church with us.) So I asked if he really believed in all that Christian stuff. He said, "I don't know. Sort of, but not really." With that simple answer I knew he was the person I could tell. I still didn't know HOW though. I wasn't going to blurt it out. Later that day he asked me if I had a crush on anyone. I said yes, but I still didn't tell him because I was nervous. He wouldn't let it go. So after I made him promise he wouldn't tell anyone I told him "Kurt" (the bassist). The first thing he said was "I can't believe my best friends is gay." When he said that I knew everything was going to be ok because he called me his best friend. We talked and he was absolutely fine with it. I was worried that he would act different around me. I've always had this fear that straight guys wouldn't want to be my friend if they knew I was gay. But he didn't act differently. He was amazing about it. Then, a couple weeks later he convinced me to come out to Kathy. I did, and she was fine with it too. I was so shocked because I was telling people and my world wasn't falling apart. You might think that these positive reactions would make me happy, but they actually had the opposite effect. I was determined to be unhappy. To me, their positive reactions were a slap in the face. Since the 7th grade I had told myself no one would understand me. Each day I told myself you are alone, everyone will hate you when they find out, and no one likes you. So each day I lied. I put on a "straight" face and pretended nothing was wrong. The only way I was able to lie all those years is because I had convinced myself lying and hiding were the only ways to protect myself from the world's hatred. And finally when I came out I wasn't vindicated. I was proven wrong. I had lied to myself and others all those years for nothing. My friends didn't hate me. They loved me, no matter what. So I thought about the years of pain I put myself through. All because I thought I was protecting myself. I thought about my loneliness and how I was the only one to blame for it. I was the one distancing myself from my friends and family. NOT THEM. I spent all my time worrying about what OTHERS would think and when it came time they didn't care at all. I was in a silent hell for years and it was all my fault. The guilt ate me up. I was to blame. Not the world. The world did me no wrong. I had ruined my own life voluntarily.

    A note: Jason moved away suddenly about six months after I came out to him. His dad and step-mom broke up and he had to move out of state. He texted me the day he left saying, "I'm not going to be at school next year. I'm moving back to my mom's house." It takes a lot to make me cry, but that did it.

    At this point I was very conflicted. I was thrilled to be out to a couple people, but there was this tremendous guilt for assuming people would hate me for being honest. I thought that since I came out to these two people I could come out to other people. But there was this little paranoid voice in my head saying "Jason and Kathy are your best friends, that's why they reacted so well. Everyone else will hate you." So I kept quiet. I fell back into the rut. I was so much happier, but in the back of my mind I still told myself that no one understands me and that everyone would hate me if they knew. I KNEW that Jason and Kathy didn't hate me, but I STILL was afraid of people's reactions.

    It was the fall of 2008 when I came out to Jason and Kathy. Over the next few months I grew happier. In the spring of 2009 I came out to my parents and brother. I came out because of the Carrie Prejean Miss America controversy. At the time it was all over the news. I sort of thought, "If she can say what she thinks, surely I can say what I think." So I told my family. They, too, reacted well. They were surprised, but they assured me they loved me. There were no tears shed, there was no anger. It was as perfect as it could have been. Still, not having a single negative reaction reminded me of what I had spent years worrying about. I was depressed again. But it quickly passed and I focused on now. I focused on the fact that I was happy NOW. "Who cares that I used to obsess over what people might think of me? I'm happy now. I'll just be happy."

    I was happy for a while, but I slipped back into depression. Even though Jason, Kathy, and my family knew, I never talked to them about it. I still felt alone. Jason and I joked about it some of the time. He was comfortable enough to joke about it and I knew he didn't have a problem, he was just being funny. Kathy and I, even though we were close, never talked about it after I told her. My family never talked about it. I'm not sure if they were uncomfortable with it or just didn't think I wanted to talk. So I was lonely. I didn't have anyone to talk to, yet again. I was still disconnected from my friends and family.

    I remember thinking, when I came out to Jason, that EVERYTHING would change. But it really didn't. I woke up the next day, just like every other day, and went to school. I walked through the halls just like I had done every other day. No one treated me any different. Of course, they didn't know, but for some reason I thought everything would be different. I guess that really got to me. I thought coming out would be the answer to my loneliness. But it wasn't. I still felt like Jason didn't understand me. After all, he couldn't possibly know what it means to be gay. I was glad he didn't hate me for being gay, but he still couldn't understand.

    In the summer of 2009 I came out to a close friend of mine, Christina. We were good friends, so I trusted her. She also had a reputation of being a skank, so I knew she could relate to being lonely and not feeling liked. She was great about it. Sharing that were her made us closer and she shared some of her secrets. Our good friendship developed into a great one. The summer of 2009 was also when I fell in love for the second time.

    By the beginning of 2009 my feelings for Kurt the bassist had pretty much subsided. We weren't really friends anymore. We didn't have any classes together and we never really talked. I still liked him, but more like an old friend. My feelings weren't "crushing" me anymore. Just a few months later, during the summer, I realized I was in love with my best friend, Jack.
  2. Calm Frenzy

    Calm Frenzy Member

    Jack is...amazing. He's smart, super funny, interesting, mysterious, gorgeous, immature at times, wise beyond his years other times, and fun to be around. He also has an...interesting habit. He's a very touchy feely person. By that I mean his hands tend to wander. He doesn't touch girls inappropriately, he touches guys. Whether it's touching a guy's arm, leg, or chest he's constantly feeling people up. I know it's weird, and I don't know if you've ever met someone like this, but I'm not making this up. He's also a VERY close talker. There have been times our faces were literally an inch apart and he acts like that's normal (There's an SNL skit with Will Forte and Steve Martin about close talkers. If you know what I'm talking about, that's happened with Jack and me many times). When you can feel a person's breath, you KNOW they're a little close. But this never bothered me. I never thought of him as anything more than a friend. I just assumed he was touchy because he was comfortable in his body and close to his friends. It started to bother me when I realized I kind of liked him. For the most part I tried to keep him at arms length and everything was ok. But there were times when he'd get just a little TOO close. It made me uncomfortable because I liked the closeness. I didn't want to think of him as anything other than a friend because I knew that's all he considered me to be.

    My feelings grew over the last couple months of school. Over the summer I realized I was in love with him. I remember the second I realized that. I was in a car with a friend, Diana, and she happened to mention that Jack and Kathy were dating. Jealously smacked me in the face. That's how I knew I loved him. I also couldn't believe that no one told me that they were dating. They were my best friends, how did I not know?

    Over the summer I only saw Jack a few times. Each time I'd be afraid of what he might do. I thought, "Is he going to hug me for no apparent reason? Is he going to start caressing my arm just because he can?" And he did. And each time he'd do something I'd think of him less like a friend and more like the guy I'm in love with. It was so confusing. It felt like I was losing our friendship and becoming this obsessive person who thinks about him every second of every day.

    School started back up again in the fall (11th grade). That only meant I'd be seeing him everyday and going crazy because of him. And he really made me crazy. All his weird touching confused me. I loved it so much, but I also felt guilty for liking it, especially because he didn't know I was gay. Eventually I became paranoid and thought all his touching was his way of saying he liked me too. But that was stupid and crazy because he was straight. The contradictions were too much for me. I became very depressed. His touching made me confused and caused me pain. It came to a point where when he touched me, intentionally or accidentally, I would physically react. I would jerk back like something was burning me. And he tortured me like that for the entire first semester of 11th grade. I would tell him to stop. I would push him away. I would swat his hands. He didn't stop. He thought it was innocent fun, but I felt like he was teasing me with this cruel joke. Literature class was the worst. I sat behind him. I figured I'd be safe because he'd have to be turned around to touch me and he couldn't do that during class. But that class was pretty relaxed and unstructured. He spent most of his free time turned around talking to me. He didn't just talk. He'd caress and tickle my legs. He'd run his hand up my thigh. I was in Hell. It felt so good, but it hurt me so much more. I'd tell him to stop, but he wouldn't. I wanted to scream, but I didn't want to make a scene in class. I'd be squirming in my chair trying to make him stop and he'd be laughing at my reaction. When I reacted he only touched me more. It was a joke to him. Most of the semester was like that. Every day. In December he finally went too far. One day in class he turned around and said, "I love you." Of course, he didn't mean it. It was a joke like everything else. He said it to get a reaction out of me. I sure did react. All my paranoia about his touching me being a secret way of him saying he liked me screamed, "I TOLD YOU! HE LIKES YOU! TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM! KISS HIM RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CLASS! IT'LL BE JUST LIKE A MOVIE!" But the rational part of me stayed in control. I told myself there's no way. He's just joking like he does. So I did the only thing I could do to shut out the screaming paranoia. I just shut down. I didn't respond. I didn't look him in the eyes. I gave him the silent treatment in an epic proportion. I pretended like he didn't exist. He immediately noticed and asked what's wrong. He kept bugging me saying, "Why won't you look at me? Why won't you talk to me? What's wrong?" But I am nothing if not stubborn. I held fast. I completely ignored him because I didn't know how to handle him anymore. In the beginning I attributed his touching to close friendship. When I liked him I got paranoid and thought his touching was a way of coming on to me, but I tried to shrug it off as a crazy thought. But now? I simply didn't know how to react to the words "I love you." I couldn't possibly laugh that off. My paranoia wouldn't let me. So I just shut him out completely. For the next couple weeks I didn't see him. I looked in the opposite direction. I held books to my face when he walked by. There was zero eye contact. The first couple days he tried to talk to me. I pretended not to hear him. Like I said, I am nothing if not stubborn. He gave up. He stopped trying to talk to me. He stopped trying to make me look at him. I won. It was as if he didn't exist anymore.

    The "I love you" was in the beginning of December, so I only had to ignore him for a couple weeks then Christmas vacation would set me free. The week before Christmas vacation we had a school concert. He came up to talk to me. He said, "Why won't you talk to me?" I tried to walk away. He followed me, "What did I do to you?" I still couldn't bear to think about him, so I just walked away. Kathy texted me later in the week. She said that he was sad because he thought I was mad at him. I told her about all that happened. I don't think that she understood how I felt. I don't think she thought it was a big deal.

    Christmas vacation came and went and school started up again (this is January 2010). I still ignored him at school. Three days after school started he texted me, "Do you hate me?" I replied, "No." He asked, "What did I do wrong?" I said, "You want to know the truth? Can you handle the truth?" He answered, "Yes. And it's my problem if I can't." So I told him. I told him I was gay and I told him I liked him. I told him about the touching and the "I love you" comment. He said he was very sorry for making me uncomfortable. He wanted to know if we could go back to being friends because he really likes me. I said yeah. The next day at school we talked like everything was normal. He never once tried to touch me. He never talked close to me. In fact, he hasn't tried to touch me since. And I know it caused me pain when he touched me, but now all I can think about is how much I miss the closeness.

    This all happened my 11th grade year. During that time I was also trying to manage the jealousy. Seeing Kathy and Jack together made me furious. I loved Kathy more than anyone in the world, but all I could think was, "He should be with me, not her." The jealousy was really tough to control and still is. One of the hardest things was school dances. All my friends would want me to go, but I hated going. I hated seeing all the happy, straight couples. More than that, I hated seeing them dance together. I've never danced with a guy before. I know it's a small, stupid thing to want, but it makes me feel so alone. The point of a dance is to dance, so I don't even see the point of me being there. No one ever understood why I didn't want to go to prom. Everyone said, "It's your junior prom! You HAVE to go!" I didn't want to be the single guy who tags along with his friends and their dates. I didn't want to be the 9th person at a 8 person table. I didn't want to sit in a chair and watch all the couple dance for three hours. I didn't want to wear a tux. What's the point? Who am I trying to impress? It's just frustrating because no one understands. No one ever worries about being the only straight person in the room. No one ever worries about who they're going to dance with. No one ever worries about being rejected by someone they like, as much as I do. Can you even compare "I don't like you" to "I don't even like your gender?" It's just, I know my friends accept me, but they still can't understand me.

    When I came out to Jack I was already out to Jason, Kathy, my family, and Christina. I came out to Jack in January of this year and in June I came out officially. A lot changed during that time period. I finally realized my happiness didn't depend on what other people thought of me. Plus, no one had even almost reacted negatively, so I figured maybe it'll be that easy. I told Mark. I was worried about losing him because he's very religious and I would go crazy if there was no one around to understand my jokes. He said, "Really? Ok." and pretty much went on like nothing happened. I told Patty. She was really excited for me. I posted a simple message on Facebook saying "I'm gay." and changed my profile to "Interested in Men." I got a few texts and talked to a few people and they were all ok with it. They like me for who I am, not who I'm interested in.

    And I guess that's my coming out story. I still struggle with it. I try to tell myself that other people can't make me happy, only I can decide to be happy. I still think back to the years wasted in the closet. Not a single person has reacted negatively, so it feels like I spent all those years hiding for nothing. Now it feels like I need to catch up. Now it feels like I've wasted my life. I keep imagining where I'd be today if I had done things differently and told people sooner. Intellectually I can think, "You told people exactly when you were strong enough. You couldn't have done it any differently." But there's all these what ifs.

    All in all my coming out has been better than I have ever imagined. It's been basically perfect. I haven't lost any friends yet. I was never gay bashed like I was scared of. My parents didn't kick me out. Yet I'm still depressed. I still feel like no one understands me. Like I have no one to talk to. And more than anything I feel GUILTY for feeling depressed. I know that somewhere in the world a gay kid is getting beat up because he's gay. Or getting thrown out of him home because he's gay. And here I am with basically a perfect life and all I can do is complain. All I can do is mope around feeling sorry for myself. I feel pathetic. I also feel unworthy of anyone's sympathy. Not that anyone ever offers sympathy.

    The gay thing is only one part of my story. By itself, I'm only a little depressed. But when I add up the baggage of that and everything else, I get overwhelmed.

    Break: By now I'm sure you're wondering when I'll wrap this up. Sorry for dragging things out. I've never told anyone all this and I HAVE to tell someone or I'll just die one day. I'm sure this is probably like reading a bad memoir. Sorry for being one of those people who apologize for everything. Sorry for being cliche enough to apologize for apologizing too much. Moving on.
  3. Calm Frenzy

    Calm Frenzy Member

    My parents. My dad is a coward. He is my mother's slave. In my mom's eyes, he can't do anything right. And she sure loves to remind everyone by bitching constantly. My mom is...crazy. She bitches a lot about things that are really unimportant. She puts my dad down a lot. She's loud and opinionated. Of course, I'm being harsh. I'm describing them at their worst. They also are very accepting and wonderful. They're nice people. They've always provided for me and always treated me well. They're marriage has been strong. They've had rough patches and they've fought, but they've always gotten over it. My mom stayed at home to raise my brother and me, and she did a good job. My dad's quite, but I know he cares about me. But I feel like I can't talk to them (Do you see this recurring thought yet?).

    Other than feeling emotionally distance from them most of my life, they've been great parents. But my mom and I butt heads. For as long as I remember she's said that it's like I speak another language. She's admitted she can't understand what I say. She's also said that my thinking is like this *puts hand very far apart* and her thinking is like this *puts hands very close together* I'm not sure what that means, but it translates into "It's impossible for me to understand your way of thinking." Anyway, so a lot of my trouble is with my mom. An incident with my parents was the first time I ever seriously considered killing myself.

    (my brother wasn't living at home at this time)
    One day, a few months ago, I was on the computer when my parents came home from an event. It was a normal day up until then. When the door opened I knew something was wrong. My dad screamed, "I guess I can't please you anymore!" My mom screamed back, "I guess I can't please you anymore either!" They were having an all out screaming match. I was shocked because they NEVER fought like this. At least never in front of me. I was scared and angry at the same time. I just got up and went to my room. When I got to my room I got my iPod, put on my headphones, and turned up the volume so I couldn't hear anything. I stayed in my room for a few hours, hoping things would cool down. I came out to see if things were better. My dad was watching TV in the living room. My mom had taken a chair into the kitchen and was watching TV there. Neither of them said a word to me. I wanted to ask if things were ok, but I was scared. I just left it and went back to my room. I don't know why, but I was incredibly frightened. I was also very mad. I was mad because parents shouldn't fight in front of their kids. Everyone knows that. They know that. They've said before that they never fight in front of their kids. I didn't do anything to deserve hearing them scream at each other. But I just told myself that they needed time to cool down.

    At this time I was struggling a lot with my homosexuality, so I was already depressed and stressed. This just made everything ten times worse. I wasn't really thinking about killing myself yet, I was just sort of...toying with the idea. Thinking things like, "Why not? It'd solve my problems."

    But I texted Kathy. She helped me calm down. I told her I was kind of thinking about killing myself, but that I wasn't serious about it. She was worried, but she help me realize parents sometimes don't know what they're doing. She told me to just wait for them to cool off. So I got calmed down and I went to bed.

    The next day I expected my parents would sit me down and say something like, "We're sorry for fighting in front of you. We shouldn't have. We were both upset and we lost control. We're discussing things calmly now, there's no need to worry." I just thought that would be the thing they'd do. But they didn't say anything about it and I was too scared to bring it up. I didn't understand why they weren't saying anything to me. They were just going about their business like nothing had happened. This is where the little paranoid voice in my head comes in saying things like, "They're not talking to you about it because they don't CARE about you! They don't CARE about your FEELINGS! You're NOTHING to them!" So I did what I usually do when I get the paranoid voice. I did what I did to Jack. I just ignored them. I stayed in my room all day. I didn't speak a single word to either of them for a week. They didn't say a single word to me during that time either. Then one day I was walking by my mom and she yelled at me, "HEY! You better adjust your fucking attitude or else!" That sent me over the edge. I ran down to my room. I thought, "Who the Hell does she think she is? I'm sad and confused because she fought with Dad in front of me and it's MY fault? We don't speak to each other for one entire fucking week and the first thing says is 'adjust your attitude or else?' Why didn't she ASK why I wasn't speaking before saying that? Why didn't she try to figure out WHY I was acting the way I was rather than just saying 'act differently or else?'" The paranoia came back. I started thinking, "THIS PROVES IT! SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! YOUR OWN MOTHER DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU! YOU'RE PATHETIC! IF YOUR OWN MOTHER DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU, THEN WHO DOES? YOU HAVE NO ONE!" I couldn't handle it. First, I thought that I should run away. I had a car and some money, so that could work. But I discarded that idea because it would only bring more trouble in the long run. It wasn't permanent. Then I started thinking about how I was going to kill myself. I knew there were some pills I could take. I knew I had razor blades for shaving. Maybe I'd drive my car off the road. I was trying to decide how I was going to do it. But I texted Kathy again. She was my lifeline. She saved my life that night. She talked to me and convinced me things would get better. I calmed down, sort of. I think I was so exhausted from being stressed and angry that I just stopped and went to bed.

    The next day my parents and I were supposed to go to my grandparents' house. My dad came into my room and said, "Let's go." I was in no state to go anywhere. I was angry and suicidal. I couldn't have functioned around people, especially not my parents. I remained calm and just said, "I'm not going." He started shouting, "You have to go, you don't have a choice!" I replied, "Yell all you want, I'm not going." He left. I knew as soon as he left that my mom would come. He was just the weak pawn. He was pretending to be the angry father type, but I knew he was spineless. The fear monger is my mom. She has the mom death stare and the calm-and-angry-at-the-same-time voice. She came in and said, "You're going." I replied, still calmly, "No I'm not." She said, "Fine. Give me your cell phone and keys." I gave them up. She took them and she and dad left. Now at least I was alone in the house. The problem was I was even more pissed off than before. It was one thing to tell me to "adjust my attitude," but it was so much worse when she punished me by taking my phone and keys. I had never even done anything wrong. THEY were the ones that fought in front of me. THEY were the ones that didn't talk to me about it. THEY ignored me just as much as I ignored them. SHE was the one who yelled at me for being sad. I had done NOTHING and she was punishing me. Not only that, but now I didn't have Kathy's number. I didn't know it by heart and her cell phone wouldn't be in the phone book. I was panicking. I knew that if I didn't talk to her soon I could do something really stupid to myself. My mind was a disaster. I couldn't think straight enough to figure out how to get her number. So I resigned myself to the fact that I would just kill myself. It's really weird how calm I felt once I had made the decision to end my life. Anyway, first things first. I had to make a suicide note. "It's all your fault. Without love, <my name>" I left it by the computer where I knew my mom would find it. Now I had to make the decision of how to kill myself. As I was going through the possibilities, a thought occurred to me. Facebook! Surely SOMEONE is online. I can just ask someone for Kathy's number and call her on the home phone. Someone WAS online. I got Kathy's number and called her. As soon as I heard her voice I just started bawling. It was weird because that's the first time I had cried in front of someone (albeit over the phone) since probably 4th grade. I talked to her for a long time, just bawling and babbling. She got me calmed down. I swear to God she's the greatest human being on this planet. She told me that I should talk to my parents. That I couldn't just keep avoiding things. I said there's no way I could be calm enough to do that. She suggested I write them a letter explaining how I felt. I thought that was an ok idea. We talked a little more and I was calmed down some more. I thanked her and said goodbye. That's the second time she's saved my life, if anyone's keeping score.

    So I spent the rest of the day typing out a letter to my parents. I had about three pages worth. It was all going to come out. I was going to tell them how I was sad they fought and how I didn't know how to react to that. I was going to tell them I didn't understand why I was being punished when I hadn't done anything. Finally, I was going to tell them that I had been close to killing myself. That scared me to tell them. I knew I needed help, but I didn't want them to think I was crazy and send me off to a hospital or something. When they came home I was ready to be honest with them. They sat down and I asked if I could talk with them. They said ok. I gave them the letter and asked them to read just the first part. The first part was about the fight they had. I asked why they didn't apologize for fighting in front of me. I told them it scared me and made me feel like they didn't care about me. My dad responded first. He said, "I'm so sorry. I knew I should have said something about that. It wasn't right to fight in front of you. That just ate at me for days. I felt so bad. I'm really sorry. Things got out of hand. Your mom and I have talked things out now and things are better." I thanked him. I knew he was being sincere. I told him that's all I wanted. All I wanted was for them to acknowledge what they did and reassure me that everything was ok. My mom was silent. I asked her if she had anything to say. She responded, "No." My heart shattered. Here I was trying to be honest with them and work things out and she didn't want to talk. I'm 17 and they're my parents. I'm coming to them, trying to work things out and all she has to say is, "No." I asked her like 10 more times, never once getting upset. She said, "I have nothing to say to you. I have nothing to apologize for." I said ok. I took the letter back and went to my room. I thought, "What's the point of letting them read the rest of the letter? Sure, maybe my dad cares, but my mom doesn't give a shit. She doesn't want to talk to me. She won't care if I tell her I was so close to killing myself that I wrote out a suicide note." I was beyond my breaking point now. I was so disappointed in my mom that I had no room in my heart to be angry or sad. I went to my room and started packing my bags. I had everything I needed to leave home and never come back. I was about to grab my backs and leave when my brother came home. I've never been super close to my brother, but he's always been then when I really need him. So I told him to come into my room and talk to me. I just said, "You have to help me leave here. I can't be in this house anymore. They took away my keys, so you have to take me somewhere." He didn't understand what was happening. I told him everything that had happened. Everything except my thoughts of suicide. He said he'd talk to our parents with me. I said I can't talk to them. I tried once and they didn't want to talk to me. He said fine, he'll do all the talking.

    We went to my parents and sat down. He explained why I was upset. He wanted to know what was going on. He hadn't been in the house so he didn't know about mom and dad fighting and the week of not talking. He said, "When my brother is in so much pain that he wants to run away, there's something wrong." My mom immediately went into this tirade, "You kids don't know what it's like to be in pain! You don't understand how hard I had it growing up! You can't even imagine! This has been the ONLY time your father and I have fought in front of you. It was ONE time. You can't imagine the pain I went through. You don't even know!" Basically I interpreted that as, "You are weak. You have no concept of what pain is. You have it easy." After that I stopped listening. Sure, I heard the words, but I stopped listening. She didn't want to talk about anything relevant to now. She went on for 45 minutes about this girl she used to be friends with and how she had to stop being friends with her because she was a bad influence. I saw that no issue was going to be solved, so I gave up. I started to agree with everything everyone said. I started thinking, "Obviously I'm the only one with a problem. I guess this was my fault all along. Well, I'll just pretend to be happy from now on and my life will go on. Sure, I'll hate my mother, but I can lie and pretend I don't." So the "discussion" continued for a couple hours. I agreed to "change my attitude" and the problem was fixed. Just like that. Easy. Never mind the fact that I tried to have an honest discussion with my own mother and she didn't want to talk to me. Never mind the fact that I was suicidal. Nah, that's not important. My parents don't need to know that. I mean, they wouldn't even care. From that day on I just made peace with the fact that my mom doesn't care about me. Sure, she'll still cook me supper and I'll still do her laundry. But when it comes to any REAL discussion, I just know I can't talk to her. I guess that's ok. Some people have moms that love them, other people have moms that...don't care beyond making sure their child has a roof over their head and food on their plate.

    That's the closest I've ever been to killing myself. If it weren't for Kathy I would have. The next couple weeks after this incident life went on as normal. I acted like I didn't hate my mother's guts and she went on with her life oblivious to the fact that her son nearly killed himself. It took me a while to get back to "normal." But for me normal meant acting happy. Pretending I was ok. I had years of practice. Besides the fact that I was dying inside, it was easy.

    Now my friends:

    Because I don't have a good relationship with my parents, I really need my friends. But, I feel like I'm not close to my friends. I feel like we don't do the things friends do. We talk during school and stuff, but now it's summer and we don't hang out or talk. I've seen the group about four times since the beginning of June. I've only seen Christina once this summer.

    First the group. Kathy, Patty, Maddy, Jack, Mark, and me. We've been a close knit group for a long time. Even though I complain they don't understand me, they understand me more than anyone else. Lately it feels like there is no group or that I'm not a part of it. Ever since Kathy and Jack started dating I've thought that they are both too involved in each other to be friends to the rest of us. Mark agreed with me. He said Jack is acting like a different person. Kathy still talks to me, but she's usually busy working or doing something with Jack. As if that wasn't enough, Mark and Patty started dating. Now THEY'RE involved with each other and ignoring me. I get that people want to date and hang out apart from the group, but where does that leave me? You're probably thinking Maddy. She's the only one left. Well, this past year Maddy has been super annoying. She's so immature. Kathy and Patty talk about her behind her back. I usually agree with what they say, but it worries me because I wonder what they're saying behind MY back. Maddy is slowing being phased out of the group. People are complaining about her and not wanting to hang out with her. She's not my favorite person, but it kills me to see the group breaking apart.

    An important thing with the group has always been going to movies. The six of us and maybe a few other friends going out to eat, then watching a movie. Lately it's been, the two COUPLES go out to eat and watch a movie without inviting Maddy or me. The first time I found out about them going to see movies without me was to go see Dear John. Now, I realize that's probably a romantic movie and they probably wanted to do a couple's night. That really didn't bother me too much. I was just a little disappointed they never told me. But then, I found out they also went to Avatar without me. I was starting to feel left out then. The final straw was when I found out they went to see Sherlock Holmes. I asked Kathy why I wasn't invited. She told me it was last minute. That may sound like a fair explanation, but let me tell you something. I live less than a mile away from the movie theater they went to. I could walk there in under five minutes. I could drive there in under a minute. So even if it was LITERALLY "last minute" I could have been there. Now not only do I feel like they don't understand me, I feel like they don't want to hang out with me. It's very depressing thinking your friends don't like you.

    Now on to Christina. Kathy and I have been friends with Christina since preschool. But after the formation of the group in junior high, she was basically forgotten about. I'll admit I stopped hanging out with her as much. I know Kathy did too. But over the past couple years Christina and I became close friends again. Towards the end of this school year, Christina kept talking about how much she wants to hang out during the summer. I was excited to hang out with her. A week after the end of the school year I text her asking her when we should hang out. She says definitely next week. I say great and wait for next week. When I text her the next week she says she's busy either working or hanging out with some friends, but we can hang out the NEXT week. This goes on for all of June. Halfway through July I text her saying "If you don't want to hang out with me just say so. Don't pretend like you do. You make time for your other friends, why can't you make time for me?" She replies, "We can definitely hang out next week, ok?" I say whatever. The next week comes and she does actually want to hang out. And we do. All of June and most of July has gone by and I've seen her once. We had a good time, but it felt like I had to force her to hang with me.
  4. Calm Frenzy

    Calm Frenzy Member

    So I've hung out four times with the group and once with Christina. That means in almost two months I've hung out with my friends about five times. Do you understand how lonely and unwanted that makes me feel? I don't have any other friends to call up and the ones I have don't want to do anything with me. I don't have a job or anything else to occupy me. That means I spend my days at home with my mother watching TV or playing games on the computer. It's gotten so bad that the only thing I look forward to when I wake up is watching three hours of Desperate Housewives each morning. Can you understand how pathetic that is and how useless I feel? Maybe this will help you understand: I've started writing Desperate Housewives fan fiction in my mind. My life bores me so much that I imagine I move to Wisteria Lane and partake in murderous plots and marital affairs. I'M A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD BOY! I shouldn't even be watching Desperate Housewives! I certainly shouldn't be writing myself in as a character on the show! I feel absolutely useless and unwanted. And why shouldn't I feel unwanted? Who would want me? What good am I to anyone? My friends certainly don't want me. My dad works all day and probably wouldn't notice if he never saw me again. My mom doesn't care about me at all. I literally have no one.

    And now you're up to speed on my life. I feel like I am alone and that no one cares about me. I feel like no one can understand this gay thing. I live in a very small town. There are no gay kids at school. I don't know of any gay adults either. I feel like my mom doesn't give a shit about me. My last resort was my friends, but now they don't even want to hang out with me. I still have a crush on Jack. I'm jealous of Kathy and Jack. I felt like I still had Mark until he became totally involved with Patty. Christina was my last friend. She doesn't even want to hang out with me. I basically forced her to. I feel useless and bored. I'm trying to stay positive, but I feel exactly like I did right before I started getting suicidal thoughts. Only worse. Like this isn't going to get better ever. Like there's a cancer in my mind. I'm scared that any day now I'll just break and off myself. Each day is a struggle. I play this game with myself where I list all the reasons not to kill myself. So far I have "You have a year left of high school. After that you can leave here and never come back." That's it. I have that one reason. On top of all that shit, I have this tremendous guilt. I feel like I'm being selfish for being depressed. I KNOW other people have it worse off than me and they don't go around complaining and wanting to kill themselves. Then I have, I don't know what you'd call it, but I'd say "double guilt" because INTELLECTUALLY I know that quote up there makes sense. I feel so confused and crazy.

    I don't know what I want you people to say. I wrote this because I had to. I wrote this because I feel closer to strangers on the internet than to my own friends and family. I don't know what to do about anything anymore.

    I'm sorry if any or all of this is confusing or poorly written. I understand sentences aren't supposed to start with "so," "but," or "because." I understand my thought process is probably a little hard to follow, I have enough trouble myself. I hope you understand that most of this was written between the hours of 11:00 PM and 3:00 AM over the past couple nights. I think I've spent over 12 hours writing this. I should probably proofread this, but there are thousands of words, and I don't really feel like it.

    Thanks for your time, anyone that read through this. I'm open to comments and questions and anything. Seriously, anything would help, because I don't know anymore.

    Oh, and I realize there is a sexual orientation forum and that a large portion of this is about my sexual orientation, but the goal of this was to talk about my suicidal feelings, so I thought it should be here.

    Calmly frenzied,
    Calm Frenzy

    PS - Sorry. I didn't realize this would be 50,000 characters and four posts.
  5. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I haven't read much of your post. To be honest a read about a paragrapgh or two. I'm just posting to say that I'm making my way through it :tongue:
  6. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you need to work a lot of things out with your Mom. Maybe you should write her a long letter. That way you could say what you need to without you two getting upset. PLEASE DONT HURT YOURSELF. You sound like a good person with much to live for. Just try to work out these issues at home and do your best. Soon you will be able to get a place of your own when youi are 18. What seems overwhelming maybe be something that can be worked out with some communication and therapy. Keep writing it out here and keep coming back here.PLEASE Stay WITH US. WE will help and offer love and hope. Im praying for you and hope you do too.

    Write if you like,

  7. .Dan

    .Dan Active Member

    Took me an hour to read, must sleep now. Too tired, will respond later.
  8. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Well I've finished reading your recount of events :). I guess it's nice reading someone elses troubles compared to knowing only my own...

    Ok well, in a way I know what it's like to 'deal' with homosexuality. I'm 15 and no one knows I'm gay....except the people here at SF :smile:. Although I have had the urge to tell an old friend about me. Because my mum met an old friend(a girl) working at the local KFC. If I recall correctly she was talking about her coming over or something just for a meet up. At this point in time I don't think that'll happen for a while considering it was discussed quite a while ago. But I actually had the SLIGHTEST of feelings that I could tell her....maybe if I do get to meet her sometime I could tell her :dunno:.

    Yes....that feeling of 'burning loneliness', as I call it. It sometimes gets me quite a bit. It gets worse when I know I like a guy at school and know that he's straight. It's like having something nearly given to you then snatched away and told you never and will never have it. If you know what I mean :(.

    My life tends to evolve around the computer too. And watching TV. Mind you the TV shows I usually watch have ended for their seasons so I just watch the regular crap.

    I myself am feeling somewhat guiltybecause I feel as though I don't have a REASON to be depressed or suicidal. What because I'm gay? Quite a bit of it probly stems from that but I have bad acne/scarring at times and that can get to me. Plus I just find an overall un-appealingness in life. Of course I get extremely small periods of time when I feel that there is hope. I feel little to no emotional connection with people in my life. I feel WAY more comfortable talking to people over the internet(here) than in real life. Not that I actually have talked to people about it in real life. I have only a couple of friends, and I'm scared that I'll lose them if I were to come out. But in the end, I know I'll have to tell them at some point. I just hope the complete loneliness isn't the last straw....

    YOU are an extremely smart person. You managed to write all that out about your life and your troubles. That's truly amazing :).

    I have to hit the hay now but If you wanna talk about anything just PM me...:hugtackles:

    Hope you feel better soon mate :) :hug:
  9. .Dan

    .Dan Active Member

    Alright bud, all rested. Im sorry for the situation with your mother, I can understand. Growing up my mother suffered from some sort of depression and alcoholism. I only got the bare essentials, food and a roof. No father around either. Man I know it sucks with her because you want her to love you and treat you nicely, but it seems like shes mad about something else. How has yall's relationship changed since you told her about your sexuality? That summer loneliness sucks man, I know. How big is the town you love in? Seems like it must be pretty small if your the only gay person you know of in the area. I assume you plan on going to some out of state college or to some big town? That will definitely help once you finish school. Bud, you say your a great student, I assume you can get some kind of scholarship. Once you finish high school you really need to goto some large college and then you will really be living your life. Interestingly enough I was in a situation alot like you. The bit about you wanting Jack, well I was Jack to a friend of mine and didnt find out until one night were at a bar, with my gf and he bursts out crying and bawling. Her and I felt so bad for him because he knew I was straight and with her. That was also the night the he "officially" told us he was gay, but we knew long before. Oh, and we were all friends from high school too. I really felt bad for my friend because he spent his late teens and eary twenties hiding his sexuality instead of embracing it. He spent years wanting me and I had no idea, I wish he would have told me much earlier, it would have saved him alot of pain. Good luck with your situation. Make it through this next year and hopefully next year you'll be in a dorm at some kick ass college livin it up and making new friends. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.
  10. Calm Frenzy

    Calm Frenzy Member

    Thanks everyone who took the time to read through my posts. I still can't believe I wrote that much. I guess I had a lot of things I needed to express.

    @ Marty482

    I know I need to work a lot of things out with my mother. I've tried. Every time nothing happens or things get worse. I am a point where I don't even try to work things out because of the pain in the past. The pain of pretending is better than the pain of knowing things aren't ok. I am looking forward to moving out of the house. That's the hope I cling to. Also, at the moment, I don't think I'm in danger of hurting myself. I just feel like I'm on the verge. I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not caught in the storm yet, but I can see the dark storm clouds approaching. Thanks for all your support.

    @ LongRoad95

    I definitely know what you mean about reading someone else's troubles. Even though you feel for them, it's nice to know you're not alone. That loneliness and guilt is exactly what I was talking about. I know being gay doesn't define who I am, but it seems to be the focus of most of my issues. I have good days and bad ones, but it seems like most of them are bad. Thanks for all you've said. I wish you the best with your coming out and everything else.

    @ .Dan

    In my opinion my mom probably has depression or something. Her doctor has been concerned about depression and bi polar disorder in the past. She insists she has no problems and doesn't pursue it any further. I'm really not sure how our relationship has changed since I came out. We've fought more, but we never talk about my sexuality. There have been a few small signs though. When I came out to my family they all reacted very well. My mom did make one comment, but I shrugged it off because I didn't want it to ruin the moment. She said, "I accept you, but I am a Christian. I believe marriage is between a man and a woman, no questions." Of course the comment bothered me, but I was so happy they were accepting of me that I ignored it at the time. It's bugged me ever since. When I came out completely last month I told my parents before I did it, just so they wouldn't be surprised if someone asked about it. They said they supported my decision to come out, but that the extended family would probably find out (this seemed obvious to me, "coming out" meant being open to EVERYONE, not just most people). She said her father probably wouldn't react well and that would cause her a lot of pain. It FELT like she was laying a guilt trip on me, but I attributed it to her trying to be honest. She also said, "Now that you're coming out, I can talk to people about this. You don't know how hard it is not telling anyone about my son." I thought that was an odd comment to make to a GAY person. Obviously I know how hard it is not telling people. I would know better than she would. I wrote it off as talking without thinking and I didn't worry about it. Finally, she had lunch with my aunt one day. She came home and said, "Your aunt hadn't heard about your 'little announcement.'" She was referring to my coming out, of course, but she used the words "little announcement" instead. It felt like she couldn't even bear to say the words "She didn't know you were gay." I've heard her tip toe around things like that before. All this makes me feel like she's having a tough time with it, but like I said, we've never talked about it.

    I live in a town of about 1,200 people. There are about 250 people in 7th to 12th grade. I would say there might be a couple other gay people, but they must not be out. I have heard of one other gay guy. He lives in a town about 20 miles away. That's the extent of my knowledge of gay people in my area.

    Yeah, I'm planning on going to a big state college. It won't be a problem getting scholarships. That's sort of my one relief in all this. I shouldn't have a problem getting out of here.

    Thanks for reading through this and replying. It's been helpful.
  11. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Keep writing out your feelings here. I am praying for you. You have been through a lot ,but you are stronger than you know. We are ALL here for you. Anytime you have a friend!~~~~

  12. .Dan

    .Dan Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your mom. Sounds like she is in denial about being depressed. Also sounds like she isn't accepting of your sexuality. These are probably the things which make her act the way she does.

    Lol @ the comment about the guy being 20 miles away. I cant imagine how hard it must be for you considering the town is only 1200.

    Glad to know you will be able to get scholarships. Cling to that and fight for it. Because buddy, all you got is one more year then your outta that tiny town. Count the days down if you want, thats something to be extremely excited about.
  13. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I read it all; it actually made quite a nice read. I had planned to read a bit of my book before bed but after that I think I'm okay (not meant in a rude way - I really did enjoy reading all about your friends and such).

    I'm not really sure that I'll be able to give very good advice, but I will say that you are young. Your problems now will seem so trivial and silly in five or ten years time, and I mean that in a nice way. The issues with your mother, I think, are actually her problem. As you say, the doctor has been concerned about her state of mind before now and from the comments she's dropped here and there, it sounds very much like this is something she needs to deal with and get through on her own, in her own way, and until that happens I think your relationship will carry on feeling very strained.

    You're leaving for college before long and I think the time away from home will do both you and her good, and hopefully things will have a chance of improving. Try not to feel too down about it, because as you say, you do still have your father who seems quite loving and fond of you. The situation with your mother isn't at all your fault, you've tried to be open and honest about how you feel with her and she's the one putting a spanner in the works. Don't blame yourself.

    I hope college goes well for you when you get there, and I really liked the part about Desperate Housewives. I watch it a lot myself when I have nothing else to do and can totally relate to the fanfic inside your head thing. It makes me feel pathetic, too. XD

    Take good care of yourself.
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