An exercise in futility.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Mortal Moon, Dec 21, 2009.

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  1. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'm a decent pianist, but I haven't practiced or learned any new music in months. It's too much work, and I won't get anything out of it.

    I was studying Japanese, but I've pretty much decided that's never going to happen. It's too much work, and I won't be able to appreciate the results.

    I used to make tool-assisted speedruns of video games, but I just haven't been able to get interested in it for a while. It's too much work, and I'll never be satisfied with the job I've done.

    There was a time when I read lots of books in order to learn as much as I could, but I hardly read at all anymore. It's too much work, and who cares how much I know anyway?

    I once wanted to be a librarian, or a teacher, or a scientist, but every occupation now sounds horribly tedious and completely unfulfilling. It's all too much work, and nothing at all can make me glad to be alive.

    I aspired to be a family man, to have a wife and children, to grow old and be proud of the many things I'd done with my life, but there's no reality in that. It's too much work, and what's the point?

    I'm done. I no longer have the passion to create, learn, or accomplish anything. I indulge in the works of others and silently wish I could be part of it, because that's the only reason I have for getting out of bed. I have disconnected myself from the real world and I don't intend to look back. Because all I can feel anymore is this emotion, it's all I can think about, and no matter what else I do, all I want is to feel it even more strongly. I want to drown in it.

    So this is how it ends. One day I'll no longer be inclined to leave my room for any reason, and so I'll just waste away in here. Lost in fantasy, dreaming of worlds and of lives that can never be, even while my body stops and my mind inevitably follows. This is the only path, there's no other option. I have to disappear, because there never was anything for me here. All I have left is to just give up, to seek comfort from the example of those (real or fictional) who have given up before me, to let go of this broken brain of mine and not pretend like it could ever have been otherwise.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Jonathan, I cannot imagine forgoing what I love to do...are you seeing someone to share this with? It sounds like a downward spiral...awful to experience; I know first hand...felt like all I could focus on was getting out of Hell...please talk about what is going on for you and share...big hugs and please PM me if I can be there for you...big hugs, J
  3. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'm doing counseling and all that, but I just don't know. The pain is just horrible. Everything is so big and overwhelming. I feel like the universe is a violent ocean, and my mind and my emotions are just a piece of driftwood completely at the mercy of this huge, incomprehensible thing.

    It's not that my lot in life is so bad. I've been born into relatively favorable circumstances. But something about me just isn't right. I'm so small, so weak, so powerless... I'm not fit to stand up against this thing which is so vastly larger and older than myself. It's breaking me. I'm losing my grip. And the rest of the world just wants to pull me away from the one thing that keeps me hanging on. I'm about to plunge into complete despair and there's nothing there to catch me.

    Sorry for ranting again, but I'm just so confused and scared.
  4. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    I hope you make it through this Jonathan, you're a very smart guy and I think you'll go far, if you can learn to be a bit stronger (something a lot of us have to learn) and find what is right for you. You can still have what you wanted to have, you aren't broken yet, only bruised. If you can learn to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go at it again, then you'll be on the right path. Then when you are older you can look back on this dark time and thank yourself for getting through it.

    And for what it's worth, I too am confused and a bit scared about what to do with myself, I find it just a bit too comfortable and sub-par to be sitting alone in my flat all day, every day. You're not alone.
  5. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Toby.

    I guess I have to keep in mind that I wasn't always like this. I'm a totally different person now than I was a year or so ago, in many ways the complete opposite. I've always been guided by practicality and logic- very little use for excessive emotion and aimless pondering.

    But something happened to me. I don't know what it was, but for the past several months I've become completely obsessed with death, but more importantly with a certain complex emotion surrounding it. It's all I think about. There's something indescribable about the process of dying that just seems so beautiful, so profoundly, spiritually right. I don't know where this feeling came from all of a sudden, I can't do it justice in words, and I can't overstate how much it's changed me.

    But it's so addicting. In a way, it's like a drug habit. I live to feel this unnameable emotion, I thrive on it, I do everything I can to get more of it, I panic at the threat of it being taken away. But that analogy cheapens the experience- it's not just a thrill, or a "high". Rather, it gets right at the core of my being. My life only makes sense in the context of this feeling. If I believed in God, I could only conclude that this is what he made me for.

    I wish I could describe it better. The closest approximation I can make is that it's a sort of melancholic longing, a feeling that something has been lost and can never be recovered, or maybe that it never could exist in the first place. A feeling that there's something glorious out there, so tantalizingly close, and yet I can't reach it no matter how hard I try. Yet none of this really comes close to describing the ineffable beauty of it.

    So, I don't know. Is there a point in all this self-indulgent rambling? Beats me. I just wish someone would post and say that they feel the same, that they've glimpsed this feeling and become obsessed with it, even as it depresses and debilitates them, maybe even drives them to consider suicide. Please. I need to know that someone else feels this way. Please...
  6. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    Wow, I've never heard it described so beautifully before. I certainly feel drawn to death, that it is 'the right thing for me' and that it is in a way beautiful, but I think that's my desperation talking. Don't get me wrong, death can be a beautiful thing, but I don't think suicide is, because it is only felt to be necessary for the suicidal person, and it is a premature death, not a natural one. In saying that, I have felt the same as you do now, that death is a beautiful and almost spiritual thing, yet tragic. I think this fuels my ideation.

    You have to remember that it is the thought of death that you are hooked on, not death itself (I may be saying it wrong here, I mean you love the idea of death, but you may not necessarily want to die). If you die, you won't have any relief, or feeling of happiness or beauty. You might as you lay dying, but there's just as much of a chance that you will change your mind and want to live all of a sudden. In fact, it most likely will happen that way, as your survival instinct will kick in. Is it just the thought of your death or death in general that you find so desirable? If it's any death, you could have a whole range of career opportunities come out of it, as there will always be a need for people dealing in death. It is an ever growing industry, and the one thing that will never stop happening, and can be quite profitable, sad as it is.

    Maybe you should do some writing on your thoughts on death, because I can tell you will be able to get your message across very well. You don't need to post it here of course (unless you feel that you have to) because it very well could influence people's suicides if it is put across in such a beautiful way. I feel for you man, you are in a dark place, but I think it is necessary for your development. I would be saddened by your death, because you are a valuable member of this forum, and you always have something good to say.

    If death is all you think about, then use it. Do some writing like I said, or some reading. I just hope that you wouldn't be silly enough to start telling people how great and beautiful suicide is, because that would be your opinion influencing others that previously didn't think that way, which is probably for the best that they didn't. I doubt that you would though, you're smarter than that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 21, 2009
  7. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'd say it's more about the process of dying, almost. How can I say it... it's like, something which humbly comes into being, lives and suffers for a little while, and then ceases to exist, is more beautiful than something that's grand and majestic and eternal. Do you see what I mean? Like how one might be more deeply affected by watching the falling autumn leaves than by visiting the Louvre. It's the transience of it, the bittersweetness of the cycle of birth and death, that gives it that quality of quiet, tragic beauty.

    It's not all about death, though. At least I don't think it is. Even as long as I've been pondering all this, I still feel like I'm only getting a small glimpse of it. I've stumbled into this limbo between the "outer" and the "inner", and so I'm trying in vain to come to terms with this quasi-mystical state through rational/verbal means. I'm torn between the frustration that I may not ever understand it, and the worry that overthinking it will cause me to lose the "spark", as it were.

    So the long and short of it, I guess, is that death is not what I'm obsessed with; it's only an expression of it. I just wish I had the vocabulary to be more specific about it. :) I started a thread a couple days ago called "Sehnsucht"; that's about the nearest single word I've been able to conjure up.

    EDIT: There's also the Japanese concept of mono no aware, which seems relevant.
  8. It sounds to me that you more want to understand death than experience it, the emotion, the fulfillment of the life cycle. I believe you are just blurring the lines between your lack of aspiration (and any sad or negative feeling that may be associated) with your fascination/yearning to understand and or experience the emotional fulfillment of completing life? I ended that statement with a question mark because I am making an attempt at trying to explain this to myself and you, while making sense all at once. Which is proving itself to be difficult at such an hour with no sleep. Apologies if this is totally irrelevant. Although, you do remind yourself of me in quite a few ways. "I indulge in the works of others and silently wish I could be part of it, because that's the only reason I have for getting out of bed" is definitely something I can relate to. I just lack the motivation to pursue anything. It all just seems to be too much work for results that will not satisfy me in the future. Sometimes I get very self critical about it and go on a spiel about how I am going to set some goals and reach them, and then blow it all off two hours later. I cannot seem to motivate myself anymore.
  9. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I think you may be right. Death was never something I thought too much about until about a year ago. In fact, I've been a proponent of many transhumanist ideas, including indefinitely extending the human lifespan through emerging technology. But now, my mindset has become that of someone who has only a month to live, even though I'm perfectly healthy. That sort of thinking appeals to me, in a way.

    Isn't it mind-boggling? In the space of a year, I've essentially gone from hoping to be granted immortality through the power of science (which I still believe is possible), to glorifying the mystical beauty of death and dying. How did I become such a drastically different person in such a short time? People will say it's just depression, that this fundamental change in my personality is just the result of unbalanced brain chemistry. I have to believe it's not that simple.
  10. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    Yes. It's called angst. I think what you're experiencing is an overwhelming, indefatigably oncoming tsunami of self-awareness, and now you're in a deluge of inferiority. You've realized your role in the universal scheme of things, and that it's pointless. However, actually I don't know how to repudiate such a fact, but you have to try to make your existence count somehow. Do you know how many people in the world can play the piano very well? Very few. That's a talent. Get back into reading books if it clears your mind.

    Hell, I don't know how to make you feel better about this one because I feel the same damn way and no one can convince me that my life is worth living. Sorry. Mods you can edit if it needs be.
  11. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    See, pointlessness I can deal with. I have no problem creating my own meaning- in fact, I think we all do that, whether or not we're aware of it. Even if you believe God has a plan for your life, it's still up to you whether or not to accept that. I'm not a nihilist in any way. But my sense of meaning is still very strongly influenced by desire and obsession. No matter what I do to fill the hours in my day, I remain fixated on this fragile beauty, the futile pursuit of which has come to largely define me.

    I don't even know. I can't describe any of it. I know I've been repeating and contradicting myself in these posts, but I'm just so completely lost. This madness will end up killing me, but any other possibility would just be hollow and false.
  12. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    FourthDerivative if there were ever words that can describe the thoughts in my mind. You just posted them. I feel exactly the same as you. No I am not lieing. I like to call the philosophy of these thoughts 'in love with tragedy'. It's become a part of my lifestyle. In all honesty, this topic is that topic I have always been searching for that I can relate to, the one topic that I can honestly say I can relate. I too silently indulge in the life of others around me but in reality I'm just another henchmen, just hide away and feel too inferior to even want to include myself as an exception(don't really know what words to use). Sometimes I feel my downfall is being too smart or a better word, aware. I kill myself with my own thoughts.
  13. Mortal Moon

    Mortal Moon Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you can relate, Angelo.

    "In love with tragedy" is an interesting way to put it. It is kind of like being addicted to sadness, isn't it? For me at least, it's not an overblown or melodramatic sadness, as the word "tragedy" might imply. It's very quiet, peaceful, almost loving. A bittersweet sadness that wears a tearful smile as it welcomes you home.

    At one time or another, I must have experienced the sublime for only a moment. I caught an agonizingly brief glimpse of absolute, perfect beauty, and that experience has dug its way into my head to the point where the retrieval of that feeling is now the exclusive preoccupation of my life. Nothing else matters- not family, country, career, health, or even happiness. All that drives me is that most divine emotion.

    In that sense, my desire to die is twofold. I am deathly afraid that I may lose that feeling forever, and that it will be entirely replaced by the lifeless concerns of this dirty, miserable world. And at the same time, although I do not understand the Emotion, I do know that it is somehow related to the resignation and tranquility that is to be found in those who are dying. Maybe if I follow in their footsteps, I'll be able to feel it once more just before I pass on.

    I don't know if you're still following any of this, or if I'm just rambling like a madman. But I hope I've been able to convey a bit of what my soul is struggling with right now, and hopefully you can still relate.
  14. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I can still relate, you seem to have used like every perfect word to describe it. I thank you for that.
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