I've never posted outside of IMDB, so I'm not sure what's an appropriate introduction. People can't always tell when I'm sarcastic or serious face to face, so I hope I don't come across as a jerk who's treating this like a joke. I've been suicidal on and off since later elementary since I got picked on a lot, but in those cases I could just tell myself that if it wasn't worth killing the dicks who were making me feel bad, then it wasn't worth killing myself. Even when I had friends who included me in middle and high school, I always felt cut off somehow, never even having a close friendship. Recently, I became convinced that I have a mild form of Asperger's Syndrome, which I may have misspelled. It's related to HF autism, but different enough that I get frustrated when they're lumped together. Among other things it means that I value objects over people, blurt out inappropriate crap, and above all just don't process nonverbal social cues. I don't trust compliments and encouragement and can only really talk to fellow geeks about specific interests (Lovecraft, Transformers, Zombie movies, and any pop-cuture or "real" mythologies/religious elements that surround them). I was genuinely thought to be gifted in school, but am stuck working retail, where I fear I'm perceived as retarded. This is partly due to living near Detroit and bearing the brunt of Michigan's depression. I got a BAA in broadcasting, which was a mistake since I have no networking skills. Although I know I'm smart enough to do something high-paying, I have no idea what and no one to advise me. Undercutting my confidence further is the fact that I'm a 27 year old heterosexual male who's still living with my parents and has never dated or kissed a girl. I have a normal sex drive and have always envied close couples as opposed to just wanting to get laid, but I feel I've always been unable to do either. Because I blank when trying to talk to most people, I view most human interaction as a chore to be endured till I can get back to solitude, where I'm comfortable. I have no realistic concrete idea what anyone else wants to go out and do since I don't enjoy going out, so in our society that pretty much nixes me instigating a date. At 22, when I graduated, I realized just how many opportunities I'd missed to get close to a girl in spite of this, which weren't many but real since I'm 6'1" and considered good looking, but never knew how to interpret flirting. This caused me to further complicate my problem with a half-hearted castration attempt involving a blunt object. It didn't diminish my sex drive or need to masturbate, but now it hurts to ejaculate and I think I have a hernia. My parents would probably pay for whatever operation would correct this but I keep putting it off. Even if it can be corrected, sex will probably never feel right, so my sexual fantasies have become jumbled with suicide fantasies since I now consider the latter more realistic. I guess I have machine-envy and thought I could just become an asexual being, but even if I was a eunuch, I'd still be hard-wired to want sex, so I just see suicide as a means to the same end of being rid of this wretched body's physical needs. I'm very cynical about most religion, but see no reason that an afterlife and reincarnation can't happen. Lately I've become fixated on the idea that if I kill myself in the most horrific way possible, it'll cause some sort of cataclism that'll allow me to relive my life but make better choices and be more confident that I mean something to deeper to people than that weird, funny guy who could always make people laugh or see something in a new light, and then sneak away as quick as possible. I don't think I can be logically talked out of this belief, but I want to know if anyone else has felt this way. One fantasy that keeps popping into my head is blasting my brains out into the onlookers as I look into the eyes of my bride just after exchanging vows at my wedding. I feel I have a better understanding of the greater universe than most people, but just can't figure out how to move forward in my role in the puppet show since I've seen one string too many. If I am reincarnated, I fear I'll never reacquire this understanding even if I'm better at living. That and my misanthropy are the main things stopping me from actually killing myself. I realize that I get to live at a very unique point in history, where civilization has grown to a possible breaking point. As much as we're overpopulating, the next century may see a fundamental shift in how human life is valued in order to continue our collective existence, and I appreciate the chance to see it happen, both out of curiosity and a hatred of general humanity. I also tend to get too wordy. Maybe I should have saved this post for a board with a triggering warning. I'd appreciate it if you could recommend one instead of deleting this if you think it's a problem. Just needed to tell this somewhere that I wouldn't be judged.