An Impossible Urge? Do you feel it too?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by roguefishfood, Jun 7, 2012.

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  1. roguefishfood

    roguefishfood Member

    Suicide is not a choice, not to me. It doesn't feel like a choice, really.

    It feels like having to go to the bathroom.

    It's an urge that wells up in my body, starting small and growing, and I feel that I can avoid it -- if there's no bathroom around, or if they're all dirty or something, or if I'd just rather wait until I get home, I can put it off for a long time if I have to...

    But I can't put it off forever.

    Suicide feels the same. Not a choice, but an inevitable outcome that I can only put off for awhile. When I almost did it once before, I cried, like I didn't really want to, it was just going to happen whether I wanted it to or not. Like I had no control over my own body. It seems inevitable, like I'll die this way no matter what I do, it's just a matter of time. I didn't make the choice to do it or in this case not do it, I just managed to put it off a bit longer.

    Does anyone else feel this way?
  2. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    Personally, I've felt the swelling of the urge, but sometimes I can just let it fade away, similar to the example you used. But the situation you're describing sounds more like when I feel the urge to self-harm.

    Do you view it as a type of fate, then?
  3. roguefishfood

    roguefishfood Member

    Not really fate except in the sense of inevitability... any more than you're fated to go to the bathroom, or sleep eventually...

    Just that it will happen. No matter how long I tried to stay awake I'd fall asleep eventually. There's nothing mystical about it, just something that I feel like it's impossible to prevent forever. I can just put it off, and I have no idea how long.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I believe we are what we perceive...if we change the narrative, we change the outcome; In other words, if we view ourselves as not destined to do something or be a certain way, we change the possibilities.
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