An increase in suicidal thoughts

[Michael Lee]

Over the last 2 weeks I seem to be thinking about suicide off and on throughtout the day. In some ways it seems like almost an obsession. The pattern is the same; the plan the same but I am always too much of a coward to carry it through. I always come up with some excuse. Like my kids worrying about how it might effect their schoolwork. I am just tired. Went on vacation and I really couldn't relax even then. It is just hard to hang on. I can't even seem to cry anymore; everything is like dead inside. I used to drink to feel better but since I sobered up 17 years ago I don't have that to lean on anymore. Done venting for now!
Michael Lee

 

[Tara]

oh doesnt sound too pleasant.

being a coward could be a good thing, right? it stops you from doing something you could regret.

I dont know what to say really, i just hope your venting has helped you feel a little bit better if nothing else. thinking of you :arms:

 

[gentlelady]

I am sorry to hear you are feeling this way Michael. You can hang on, I know you can. The fact that you are able to come up with excuses to stay alive tells me you really do want life. You have beautiful children. One of them very young. They need their father. I know you feel alone. I wish I could change that for you. You once told me about the mountains and lake. The beauty of it all. Try to find that feeling in other things as well. I do not believe you are dead inside. I have read your words and found solace in them. Please don't give up. Let's see if we can't catch each other somewhere to talk. Take care. My thoughts are with you. :hug:

 

[Luliby]

And hopefully you can take some coonsolation in this: suicide can be an obsessive thought but that does not mean you HAVE to do it or it's fate. Sometimes the more you try not to think about something the more you actually think about it. An obsessive thought can be anything. If I gave you an assignment to count everything red tomorrow you will be seeing red everywhere. And if I told you your life depends on getting the answer right what then? Would you be very worried and anxious everytime you see something red because you have to count it exactly right or else?

An obsessive suicidal thought is very distressing because it's as if we have taken ourselves hostage. We're constantly taunting ourself off and on all day and going over in our minds what were going to do to ourself. I know how miserable this can be and I know your not doing it to yourself on purpose. Your feeling suicidal and having suicidal thoughts off and on all day.

It helps me to understand they are just thoughts. Very intense and life threatening thoughts but its still just a thought. The brain is just trying to solve the emotional overwhelm you are feeling and suicide seems the best method to never feel this way again. Of course it's not because who knows what death will be or feel like, we can only assume it's peaceful, but even then you need to have feelings to feel peace. Anyway, just because you think it doesn't mean you have to do it. For example: on a smaller scale ever go through road construction with your car and the voice in your head says your going to hit one of the cones? The whole time your obsessing about hitting a cone until your finally out and clear of them. It's just the brain saying warning, warning. Whatever situation your in that is causing you to feel suicidal is a warning to. Often times if you change the situation you will change your response.

Another method to debunk an obsessive thought is to mock it. Basically tell the thought how lame it is.. ask if thats the best it can do. Tell it to shut up and sit down. I'm not minimizing the pain these thoughts are causing you but mocking an obsessive thought has been truely useful for some. It takes away some of the power from that thought. (just a suggestion)

I hope you will feel better soon. Your not alone. hang in their with me, we'll get through this.