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An Incredible Coincidence.`

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SSF1, Nov 18, 2007.

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  1. SSF1

    SSF1 Member

    The last time i was on these boards was 19th November 2006.

    A year ago today. Things havent changed too much, my last serious suicide attempt was three weeks ago, but i can promise it will be the last. Heres something i wrote down earlier on. I just wonder how people on here would respond.

    You can all call me emo, pathetic, whatever you want. my name is Fraser, most of you know that. But once you learn, you arent made of glass. life isnt quite as difficult. ive been down, i've been way down, and i'm not embarassed to admit it. we'l all probably be there someday. If i'm brutally honest with you all. I nearly died. I tried to commit suicide two weeks ago. i was incredibly close. I planned it all, went out to my garage, set up the rope, and kicked my footing away. I was literally seconds away from not being here. I was just lucky someone caught me and cut me down. At the time there was nothing worth living for. I didnt want to die, i just didnt want to live. Im just glad i'm coming out of the other side. There is so so much to live for, never ever do what i've done. I feel so so selfish. I think about people like Wellard from these boards, i'm sorry for bringing him up, but he was taken so tragically,he just didnt deserve it, and i honestly wish i could give myself for someone like him to come back. I met the guy once, and if he were still here, he probably wouldnt remember me. but he was so full of life, brought so much to the people he met, and will never be forgotten. I've abused people like ross and delboyd on here, but i dont mean it. I know them both personally, and they are genuinely excellent people. We all have a huge huge give gift, and i'm so glad i havent ruined it all. I know i'll still have those days where i dont want to be here, and nothing seems worth it. But life takes a billion years to come to fruition. I just feel so bad i even tried to take it away in the click of a finger. Theres so many people worse off than me, so many people that would kill to be in the position i'm in, with a good family, no money worries, a good career in prospect and excellent friends. I dont know what gets me down, i dont know why i hear and see the things i do. I just dont want to hide anymore. Ive no idea if i have a mental illness, who defines normal anyway? I'm not embarassed for posting this on an internet forum, maybe theres other people on here who feel like i have, and maybe this will help them?

    What just gets to me is, ive had a good upbringing, fantastic friends, a great life, it still wasnt enough though. Im angry at myself for feeling like this. It isnt teenage angst, i'm fed up of that patronising view of things. Just because i'm 18 doesent mean i'm not real, doesent mean i cant make my own mind up. I just wish i knew why i feel so different to all my friends. Why does it need to be me? I dont feel delf pity, and i dont want anyones self pity. I just guess i want you all to know, if you ever ever feel like this. Take my word for it, things will get better. Look for the positives, they dont always stare you in the face, but they are there. Ive put the people i care about the most through hell, and i'm sorry. Don Goodman from these boards is a family member, and i cant even bring myself to think what ive done to him, and the rest of the family.

    From now on though, things change. I'll have the shit days, but i'll remember the million good ones to make up for it. I'll think what i can do in my life that will make a difference. I dont want a job where i'm stuck in a rat race, being a slave to money then dying. I want to do something worthwhile. I dont care how shit a wage i make, because that wont make a difference when i'm truly on my deathbed. All i want is to smile, and to see other people smile with me. To write things down that will make other peoples ears prick up and think "aye this boy doesent talk shite, this means something".

    To make a difference.

    I'm sorry if this isnt welcome here. Infact, i'm not. Call me what you like behind my back, and think what you want. Ive grown up alot in the last month. Dont let your life disappear like mine nearly did. Tell the people you care about what they mean to you every single day, because its all gone before we know it.

    Enjoy it, and love it while it lasts.

  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I am truly happy for you that you were able to "see the light" and things didn't happen for you on that tragic day. SF needs more success stories for all us doom and gloom stories out here. Keep holding your head above water and sharing your vigor for life with others.
  3. SSF1

    SSF1 Member

    I wouldnt say its a success story yet. But its a start.

    Ive just realised, we arent here for long, and i cant think of anything bad enough anymore that would want me to end this life quicker than i need to. I'm looking to put the negatives to positives now. I want to change the world, laugh all you want. But in my mind, if i can make one person sit up and take notice, i'll have changed the world. I dont need fame and money to do that.

    I will change it. I swear of it.
  4. SSF1

    SSF1 Member

    i know this might be a bit odd on here, but if anyone wants to add me on msn, my add is frazzler_105 aattttt hotmail. com

    i'd love to hear from people on here.
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