An internet crush

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by sadhart, Nov 8, 2014.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    So a few years ago I developed an internet crush on someone...a youtube user. My internet crushes are different from outside ones as I never expect them to go anywhere beyond just simple infatuation. but over the years, I have found myself being really awkward with this girl during one of live blog tv shows I kind of told her I had a crush on her (not in front of other people, but through a pm) well she wasn't nasty about it...she said she was flattered, but wasn't into internet dating. I never got much of a chance to tell her that I didn't want to internet date her, because my computer was being stupid and I was too embarrassed to further explain myself.

    well, in the years since, I would occasionally watch her videos but it was hard to ever really say anything to her. I said something last year that got a "thanks :)" from her. when I found out she had a bf last year, I felt a little jealous of him which I know is kind of messed up thing to say. on top of that, things in my life, in particular with my drinking and dealing with my family who can be toxic at times was really making me question my life. I sent her a pm letting her know that I never got a chance to say why I liked her vids and how she kind of inspired me during a dark time in my life. I couldn't explain it to her very well though and it doesn't matter because she didn't reply. I felt stupid for expecting one. I unsubscribed from her because I felt so stupid and ashamed for feeling the way I did for someone I didn't even know.

    A few months later, I went by her channel one night. She had posted a was about her not making anymore videos for awhile because of the sudden death of her mother. I had was very sad for her....but I was also a selfish bastard. I had already been drinking that night and watching that made me feel even worse. I sent a about three somewhat incoherent messages one which contained the song "rainbow connection" I didn't realize that I did so until about a week later. When realizing what I did I was...well, it's hard to get into what all that happened. I guess that, along with other things in my life made me realize that things were out of control.

    That was eight months ago and since then, I wrote to her, but did so anonymously letting her know that I was sorry for her loss. But, I still think about her and how much of an awkward piece of shit I was over the years. I want to wish her a happy holiday soon, but I am unsure if I should. I know it will be anonymous though. I know this was long, may have not made sense and was a bit of a ramble, but I just needed to say all of this. Sorry.
  2. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Hi, I read your blog, I too use to feel awkward, nervous, and felt like I had brain cramps, nothing I said made any sense, and the words never seemed to come out right. So for that part you are not alone, i would bet if you did a survey 90% of people in situations like you described would have the same feelings and issues. You are So not Alone. I have too suffered from jealousy, you would really be surprised how widespread that little Green Monster is. I have Cats that get jealous of each other, Not Joking either.

    I think that many times the people, that we are in some way intimidated by, would feel uncomfortable going up and saying hi to, have the same problem we do. You wouldn't believe how many others go through the same thoughts and feelings, you don't see them struggling because you are so tied up in what you are feeling and going through.

    We get so caught up in what We think, we never consider what they think, the only way to ever learn is to ask them.

    I do understand your reluctance, I have gone through it myself. I have changed since then
    but I do catch myself, it is a Human Condition, each and every one of the situations you listed are part of living and life.

    BTW It wasn't long at all, from my perspective anyways You did make sense as well, easily understandable. Thanks for Sharing.
  3. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    :thankyou: for sharing that Sadhart

    I know where you are coming from. With the internet & the fact communication is keyboard to keyboard rather than face to face, it is all too easy to fall in love with the concept of love with someone rather than with that person theirselves.

    That's a bit of a nonsensical point I am making I suppose but what I mean is:

    I too fell in love with a girl I met online. We did take it to 'snail mail' (letters) & chatting on phone level; but we never crossed the 'Big Pond' (she lives in Canada) level. She did suggest that she come to visit me but I refused the offer outright. In the end our 'relationship' (if that was what it was) fizzles out. We still chat when we come accross each other online.

    The reason I refused was her safety. If I agreed to meet her who else would she meet? I am genuine but who's to say the next guy she meets is too? I would be setting a precedent. Plus a few years ago I chatted to a girl online (I met her on BlogTV too) (I believe BlogTV is now offline) & by phone, who left home & was in London sleeping rough. She phoned me she had done so. The situation forced me into a corner. I had no option but to pick her up & take her home (her home). If I had just told her to 'foxtrot oscar' & make her own way home, rather than do so myself & she ended up in a worse situation than she was actually in then.........

    Anyway Sadhart I am sure there are many people who fall in love on line & feel rejected if the other person doesn't respond in kind to you expressing your feelings for them to them.

    Just try not to think about her though I know that is a hard thing to do

    tc Sadhart

  4. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Thank you True Lee. I will try to keep what you said in mind.
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