So a few years ago I developed an internet crush on someone...a youtube user. My internet crushes are different from outside ones as I never expect them to go anywhere beyond just simple infatuation. but over the years, I have found myself being really awkward with this girl during one of live blog tv shows I kind of told her I had a crush on her (not in front of other people, but through a pm) well she wasn't nasty about it...she said she was flattered, but wasn't into internet dating. I never got much of a chance to tell her that I didn't want to internet date her, because my computer was being stupid and I was too embarrassed to further explain myself. well, in the years since, I would occasionally watch her videos but it was hard to ever really say anything to her. I said something last year that got a "thanks " from her. when I found out she had a bf last year, I felt a little jealous of him which I know is kind of messed up thing to say. on top of that, things in my life, in particular with my drinking and dealing with my family who can be toxic at times was really making me question my life. I sent her a pm letting her know that I never got a chance to say why I liked her vids and how she kind of inspired me during a dark time in my life. I couldn't explain it to her very well though and it doesn't matter because she didn't reply. I felt stupid for expecting one. I unsubscribed from her because I felt so stupid and ashamed for feeling the way I did for someone I didn't even know. A few months later, I went by her channel one night. She had posted a video....it was about her not making anymore videos for awhile because of the sudden death of her mother. I had was very sad for her....but I was also a selfish bastard. I had already been drinking that night and watching that made me feel even worse. I sent a about three somewhat incoherent messages one which contained the song "rainbow connection" I didn't realize that I did so until about a week later. When realizing what I did I was...well, it's hard to get into what all that happened. I guess that, along with other things in my life made me realize that things were out of control. That was eight months ago and since then, I wrote to her, but did so anonymously letting her know that I was sorry for her loss. But, I still think about her and how much of an awkward piece of shit I was over the years. I want to wish her a happy holiday soon, but I am unsure if I should. I know it will be anonymous though. I know this was long, may have not made sense and was a bit of a ramble, but I just needed to say all of this. Sorry.