An old friend (that was more than a friend to me) just turned me down

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Alloloa, May 13, 2010.

  1. Alloloa

    Alloloa Member

    Hello everyone,

    I don't know if I'm posting in the right section, but if I'm not, please forgive me but I didn't find a more appropriate one.

    So, to get straight to the point, I met a boy (I was 15 years old), in High School. I fell in love with him, even though I didn't realize it straight away, and I know (after talking with people he was in touch with) that it was the same for him. I unfortunately had to leave, and he made me a surprise party with the whole class and everything.

    We stayed in touch for a long time, but after I had to be hospitalized for a very long time, and so I lost contact with him. I know I haven't given any signs of life during almost 5 years, but I couldn't do otherwise, I was a true mess, struggling to deal with my studies and my problems.

    When I was at the hospital, I decided to clean my mails, deleting all the ones that reminded me bad or painful memories, and I fell on his mails. And then I remembered him, and the pictures he had sent me, and everything. So when I finally managed to get back home, I registered on Facebook, I found him, but I didn't dare to send him a message or anything.

    I did it tonight, a few hours ago. I explained to him (without giving him any details, I didn't want to bother him) why I had stopped contact, and tried to make him understand that I wanted to get back in touch with him. Well, he replied quickly, about one or two hours afterwards, and he kindly said that he didn't see anyone from High School anymore, and that everyone had to move on. He couldn't know that he would hurt me, he doesn't know that I'm suicidal or anything else, but it hurts like hell.

    So, to make short, I feel like a mess right now, especially when you know that I truly wanted to have contacts with him via MSN again. I'm on the verge of tears, I don't know what to do... I was stupid, I should have expected this kind of answer, but I'm a kind of dreamer, so I had hoped that he'd like to get back in touch with me... Not especially in love matter (at least not at first), but in friendship... I miss him so much, and he was the only guy I've ever felt at ease with (and it's been 5 years), so I don't know what to do..

    I don't know why I wrote this message, because I don't know how someone could help, but I just had to say it to people who know how this can mess you up even more than you already are...

    Sorry to have disturbed you,

  2. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Hi Alloloa,

    I just wanted to say that I totally understand how much this can hurt. I had something very similar happen to me (although I wasn't in love with the boy, he was my best friend but I discovered he just didn't care as much about me as I did about him).

    As you say, there's no way he could know that he hurt you, and for all we know, your absence/silence may have hurt him if he still had feelings for you at the time. But please try not to take it personally; he probably really doesn't want to be in touch with anyone else from school and therefore feels that if he added you on facebook other people would find him and add him too. I know that doesn't help the way you feel right now though.

    I'm sorry I can't say anything more helpful, but I hope it helps to know that someone does at least understand the pain you're in. It will get better, I promise.

  3. Alloloa

    Alloloa Member

    Thanks Madam Mim for your answer.

    I know perfectly well that I shouldn't take it personally. I'm not really sure that he still had feelings for me at that time, but I think I had. Besides, he didn't tell me the whole truth about not being in contact with other people from High School, because I found him in these people's friends.

    I just think that he doesn't want to hear about me anymore. It's probably normal, but it still hurts a lot. I hope it'll get better, but for that I'd need to meet someone else, which is not a won game (it's a French expression, I hope that you understand what I mean by it).. Anyway, it sure does help to know that someone understand the pain I'm feeling.

    P.S : Your pseudo is from a Disney's animated features, isn't it? I think it's in The Sword and the Stone (one of my favorites), when Merlin has to fight against someone whose called Madam Mim (please tell me if I'm wrong).
  4. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you have had to go through this, I can understand how you feel. It is very hard not to take these things personally, all you can really do it accept his decision for now and try and distract yourself with other things. I had some feelings for someone from my old school three years ago but I've put off messaging him about it on Facebook and trying to get back into contact because of the rejection possibilities, because like you, I would take it way too personally.

    In terms of him having high school friends on his facebook friends - it really doesn't mean anything from the way I see it. I have tons of high school 'friends' of mine on my facebook friends but I never talk to them or see them offline. If someone asked me if I kept in contact with any of them, I'd say no, because I don't even though they are on my friends. It could be the same situation for him.
  5. Alloloa

    Alloloa Member

    Thanks Avarice for your answer, and all my apologies for replying so late. It's just that I don't want to get caught in this kind of forum, otherwise my parents would kill me (it's figurative, of course, but I think they'd cut off my Internet connection, which is like death to me).

    I fully accept his decision, even though I can't help myself from hoping that I misunderstood him, or that I wasn't clear enough in my message. So, although it's not the best idea, I've registered on Internet Dating Websites (yeah, I know, it's lame and stupid, but I just don't know how to do, and he was the only guy I wasn't afraid of and with whom I felt at ease with).

    To be honest, I waited the pro and the cons (I think that's the right expression, isn't it ?) during two weeks, and decided to give it a try last night... Bad idea, although he couldn't imagine that it would hurt me, nor that I'm suicidal (and I'm not even talking about the other psychiatric troubles I have, although I'm not making a contest of the one who has the biggest amount of trouble, so don't take it like that, because it wasn't my intention).

    I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you're trying to say here :
    . Could you please be more explicit, it's just that I don't really see where you're trying to go.

    Anyway, thank you very much, it feels good to talk about it.

  6. Madam Mim

    Madam Mim Well-Known Member

    Hi Alloloa,

    Firstly, yes Mad Madam Mim is a Disney character from Sword in the Stone. She's completely insane, and therefore one of my favourite characters.

    Although you say that joining an internet dating service is lame and stupid, I don't think it's such a bad idea. You can talk to lots of people and maybe flirt a bit, and it might help you feel better about yourself. Just because the guy from school isn't interested anymore, doesn't mean that there aren't lots of people who would be interested!

    What Avarice was saying about 'if someone asked me if I kept in contact with any of them, I'd say no, because I don't even though they are on my friends' meant that even though they have friends from school on their facebook, they don't actually speak to them. So they haven't really stayed in touch. Does that help?

  7. Alloloa

    Alloloa Member

    Hey Madam Mim!

    Well, I'm glad to see that I know my classics, although it took me ages to find the English name of this animated feature, I only knew the French title. I agree with you on the fact that she's insane, but she doesn't exist in Arthur's legend (I'm completely crazy about mythology and celtic legends, and I've red many books about him, but that's another subject, so I stop here my literary divagations).

    Unfortunately for me, I have no self-confidence nor self-esteem, so the simple idea of answering to the messages the guys send me gives me chills, especially when I see that they're like crazy about sex... That scares me a lot, but that's another matter.
    Besides, I never had a boyfriend; one boy (whom I hated) asked me out one day, he kissed me, and I freaked out, I had suicidal ideas during the whole week-end, and I just wanted to never see him ever again, but he was in my classroom, and since we were only two or three in this classroom, it was hard to avoid him...

    Finally, thank you very much for the explanation, I see the point now, which I disagree with. When I ask people to make a friendship on Facebook, it's to get back in touch with them, otherwise, where is the point ? Maybe some people like to see that they have an important number of friends, but I think it's stupid; why request a 'friendship', and never talk to them ? But that's only my personal opinion, and I was pretty anti-Facebook before, so I'm not the best judge on this point.

    Have a great day (or night, it depends where you live),

  8. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    I think the point in having them in your friends perhaps is so that you can keep eachother updated with your lives in terms of status', pictures, and if there ever arises a time when you need to contact them, you have the ability to do so. I'm not entirely sure myself. My high school friends add me and I accept. I was pretty much a loner in high school so talking to the popular kids isn't something I would do anyway. It could be different for your friend, that's just how it is for me.

    I don't think that it is silly to join a dating site at all (I don't mean to talk about myself so much, but I joined one after me and my ex split up, so I'm not just saying it's not silly to make you feel better, I mean it :]), it can help in some ways in that you meet more people and it's a step on in moving on from your friend.

    I think you made the right decision in contacting him, as if you hadn't you may have gone on with your life thinking "What if?". "What if I had contacted him and he wanted to be with me too?" "What if we could have had a good future together?", etc., so at least now you know the outcome and won't be asking yourself those questions a few years down the line. It's hard to get over the rejection and feelings you're feeling now, but hopefully that's what we're here for. To help you. >_< Time heals all wounds after all.
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :hug: I know the feeling. My friend, who was more than a friend, left me for another over a word. I am sorry your friend did this too you. It always hurts to have your heart ripped up. However, remember that feeling you had with him. You will have it again if you really want it.