So yeah.. I now find myself in a dilemma. I got an ultimatum I do not quite understand. I want to drink myself senseless and just not wake up. But on the other hand.. I can't yet. Can't get myself to do it. So I got an ultimatum basicly by my boyfriend.. To either apparently cheat on him, since he thinks I want to do that or I'll basicly.. Lose him. He at least won't visit me and I'm sure by the way it is, it's more than just a visit he'll cancel. I know it may seem like an easy decision to some people. But I just can't do either. He is the love of my life, my soulmate. I have around a month on me to do this.. And I should tell him when it's done. I can't get myself to do it, because how can that prove my love for him? And I feel sick by the thought, I don't want to hurt either of us that way. But I can't live without him. I know that as a fact. I thought maybe I could just say I did it, but what if he'll ask questions? Since I will have no answer. I don't even remember what or who I was supposed to have written the stuff to. And I did under the influence of alcohol. Plus I'd feel bad for lying, since then he'll think I have.. So yeah.. I'm atm sitting here. Having plans on drinking and at least hurt myself badly. Not suicide.. Not yet at least. And I feel worthless enough as it is, for having written what he says I did. So please don't tell me I'm a bad person, I know that. And with this said. I do not want others to think it's a good idea to hurt yourself or drink, it's just.. Bad ideas and no one deserves to feel the need to. You're all deserving to live and feel good about yourselves.