An uncontrollable cascade of events

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by zackf1994, Dec 9, 2013.

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  1. zackf1994

    zackf1994 New Member

    I'm a student in college and I feel like I'm losing control of my life. I'm sorry if this is a long story, but I am going to start from the beginning: (after typing this I realized this isn't so much of a story as it is a list of all of my problems, and I apologize for that)

    My senior year of high school when I was applying for college, I chose a university that was financially reachable for me. It's a state school and I was fortunate enough to be awarded a full academic scholarship, but to keep my scholarship I have to maintain a certain GPA. Well, it's my 3rd semester and I am not getting good enough grades so by the end of this week I am going to be stripped of my scholarship.

    I'm financially alone. I'm going to need to take out loans, find someone to cosign for me, and everything else. I just feel an immense burden that is going to be thrust upon my shoulders and I don't know if I'm tough enough to handle it.

    In addition, I'm gay. I have no gay friends, although I am out to all my close straight friends but I still feel ostracized from my friend group, as if no one really understands me. It's a rift that I can't cross to connect with them and they can't cross to connect with me. I have no romantic prospect of any sort and haven't for almost 8 months. I feel overwhelmingly alone.

    I'm in love with my straight best friend with absolutely no hope of him ever returning the feelings, or even me being able to tell him about how I feel.

    A couple months ago I started seeing a therapist but discontinued it after 4 meetings. I felt as if I was getting no help and she was simply forcing me to talk about things I didn't want to talk about.

    My friends are my friends but I still feel alone when I hang out with them and I don't know why.

    This past summer I relied heavily on substances to make myself happy and after three months of intense use I cut down on stimulants.

    I still drink heavily on the weekends.

    I have suicidal thoughts and whenever I do I am able to fight them off by thinking about my family; however, recently I'm starting to feel as if that isn't enough. I'm worried that eventually I'm going to slip and follow through with it and that scares me. I don't trust myself and as I'm laying in bed typing this, I have suicidal thoughts darting around in my head. I don't know what to do. I feel as if every aspect of my life is falling apart. My social network in addition to my academics. It's overwhelming and I'm scared.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sorry you are finding things so difficult. It is unfortunate about your scholarship but I am 100% understanding how that can happen as a similar thing happened to me. I would also like to mention that was nearly 30 years ago it happened to me and not only did i manage to finnish colleg and get degrees after it happened but have had a reasonably happy successful life.. It is an unfortunate setback - not the end of things. Go to you financial aide office before they break for christmas and start working on how to continue next semester - problems always seem biggest when you are thinking about them and not fixing them.

    Maybe that counselor was a bad fit for you in which case try another. Another thought might be while you did not like talking about the things they wanted to talk about or perhaps they were pushing a little to fast for you, they were trying to help with the real issues as opposed to the superficial symptoms resulting from those issues. $ weeks is not near long enough to say counseling in general will not work. Also consider a Dr , see if after a proper evaluation med support for a short while may be beneficial to you...

    Take Care and Be Safe

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