An unjustified descriptive attempt

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by capuletjm, Sep 28, 2010.

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  1. capuletjm

    capuletjm Member

    A word of warning: Do not read my post if you are bored, it will only bore you further. It was more or less myself helping myself. I could be sorry I hit the submit button.

    On routine occasion throughout the night my body enters very rapidly into the hands of a menace I can not control.

    Usually it is the case that I am prevented from describing such episodes due to being apathetic towards movement, but, as a part of my outlined plan to combat myself in the future, it is with embarrassment and difficulty that I attempt to describe my body's current sensation.

    It is very noticeable when a 'bad night' will so kindly find its way to me, as hours before I enter into a state of limited pleasure. For up to half an hour during the daytime my body will buzz similar to a purring cat, my perception of myself will increase tenfold, I walk with confidence and displeasure to those unlike myself, and I brim with the notion of a prosperous future.

    And so for the bad 30 minutes

    Your concentration is notably lost. Whatever activity your mind had been focusing on was lost in an instant, and in only a few seconds you will work out where that concentration has just gone.

    You begin by staying cramped in the position you have just been comfortably resting in, consider it close to paralysis. You are very aware you can move, but you do not, something higher prevents you from acting upon your own thoughts.

    Your eyes stare wherever they have just chosen to settle, which is where they will direct until everything has passed. Your mind will open up to every negative thought you have stored over the years, so many in fact, that you are unaware to counter against a single one.

    Inevitably at this point 'tears' may flow (not many, just enough to remind you of your own unhappiness). Certain parts of your body may hurt more than others, if you are lonely, that would lay with your heart and chest.

    Eventually all the above will pass, and you will awake feeling absolutely normal within a click of the fingers. You remained alive, take a break and prepare yourself for the next installment.

    That is all I am prepared (and able) to write. I apologise for it sounding so ridiculous and poorly explained. If you reply to this post, could you inform me of any tips which help during low periods?
  2. Aphorism

    Aphorism Well-Known Member

    Have you tried asking your doctor about possible medication? I'm not exactly sure how to respond to your description of these episodes, because I am not well versed enough to know.

    But when these episodes occur, do you have the urge to harm yourself or others?
  3. capuletjm

    capuletjm Member

    Forgive me aphorism if I come across as astute. Without being blunt there is no other way to answer what you asked.

    I currently receive medical help. It would have been incredibly random of me to include the fact I am on medication.

    Yes, I do harm myself. Could I harm others? The potential is there, but not only in myself.

    I more or less wrote for the purpose of allowing myself to think. :smoke:
  4. Monsieur

    Monsieur Well-Known Member

    Catharsis is a good thing. Perhaps you could start a diary entry here to help vent your thoughts?
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