An utter lack of subtlety

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Hillcrest, Jun 8, 2008.

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  1. Hillcrest

    Hillcrest Member

    Anonymity removes all cowardice, so here it is for good or for ill. I despise myself for what I've become and what I contribute to every night, even though I would like to think I am above the people I liquor up. I rarely drink, with the exception of knowing the product I'm selling, and seeing people get drunk and and getting others drunk hoping to coerce them into the sack fills me with disgust for them and for myself. The trick of it is, I have to do this garbage for another year before I can enroll in college, and even then I'll still be doing this job to make ends meet while I work on my degree. I'm very good at my work but can't take any pride in it, and hearing people's sob stories every night doesn't help my stability much. I can smile and laugh and make others do the same, despite having social anxiety I am very adept at working a crowd ironically.
    As far as my personal life goes, I rarely sleep, and lie in bed thinking about things I'd rather not on a habitual basis, be that the people I've hurt, lost opportunities, failed ambitions, or how I'm caught in a vicious cycle. I'm sexually compulsive, been with more women than I care to remember, and hated myself after every scenario if I had no feelings regarding her, which led to more causal sex with near-strangers, etc. The killer of it is, I haven't had sex in four months, burnt myself out on sex more or less, and much like any hard drug, I know the moment I get laid again it's going to be the same cycle once again. I wear a wedding band to work, despite being single, just so I don't go back to my old ways. The only real alternatives I have are to destroy myself, metaphorically speaking, kill my identity, kill my desires, and kill my proverbial darlings so I can finally clear my head and develop some sense of priority and importance for the things in my life, or I can implement the Hemingway Solution. The only reasons I haven't done the latter is because of the reckless lack of reliability in suicide, and because I want to have one more damn good day, go out on a high note. This turned out longer than I expected, but there it is. Hopefully some of you will have a better handle on things than I do, objectivity is nifty like that.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum :welcome:

    I hope you find the help and support you need here :arms:
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I hope we are able to provide you with some of the support you need.
  4. ItThing

    ItThing Well-Known Member

    Welcome hillcrest :D. I can't advise you on your guilt about your job. It's helping you towards completing a degree which is great for any futrue you'd like to have, and it's not as if it's illegal, but I see it also bothers you a lot, so hopefully you can find a job that makes you happy as well as meet your financial requirements - because that is very important too. for instance, any chance you can work your way up to a more managerial job at your workplace? Either way, I don't blame you for doing your job, everyone knows they can get help if they want, and maybe being at your place rather than someone else's bar makes their evening better, because you can make them be happy. Please don't trouble yourself with their stories, if it has nothing to do with you, it is well within your rights to ignore them. As for your sexual compulsiveness, it seems well within your control for now. I hope you meet someone you are can form a longer lasting relationship with so you can be sexually active without being guilty. Good luck, keep it up I think you're doing great!
  5. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum sir
  6. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    welcome to SF x
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