Anonymity removes all cowardice, so here it is for good or for ill. I despise myself for what I've become and what I contribute to every night, even though I would like to think I am above the people I liquor up. I rarely drink, with the exception of knowing the product I'm selling, and seeing people get drunk and and getting others drunk hoping to coerce them into the sack fills me with disgust for them and for myself. The trick of it is, I have to do this garbage for another year before I can enroll in college, and even then I'll still be doing this job to make ends meet while I work on my degree. I'm very good at my work but can't take any pride in it, and hearing people's sob stories every night doesn't help my stability much. I can smile and laugh and make others do the same, despite having social anxiety I am very adept at working a crowd ironically. As far as my personal life goes, I rarely sleep, and lie in bed thinking about things I'd rather not on a habitual basis, be that the people I've hurt, lost opportunities, failed ambitions, or how I'm caught in a vicious cycle. I'm sexually compulsive, been with more women than I care to remember, and hated myself after every scenario if I had no feelings regarding her, which led to more causal sex with near-strangers, etc. The killer of it is, I haven't had sex in four months, burnt myself out on sex more or less, and much like any hard drug, I know the moment I get laid again it's going to be the same cycle once again. I wear a wedding band to work, despite being single, just so I don't go back to my old ways. The only real alternatives I have are to destroy myself, metaphorically speaking, kill my identity, kill my desires, and kill my proverbial darlings so I can finally clear my head and develop some sense of priority and importance for the things in my life, or I can implement the Hemingway Solution. The only reasons I haven't done the latter is because of the reckless lack of reliability in suicide, and because I want to have one more damn good day, go out on a high note. This turned out longer than I expected, but there it is. Hopefully some of you will have a better handle on things than I do, objectivity is nifty like that.