I was actually beginning to think that maybe I was past being suicidal. Ha, fat chance. Sometimes I wonder what it would feel like to be someone who didn't want to kill themselves constantly, someone who could actually be happy just being themselves. I wish I could write what I want to do to myself right now but it's too graphic. I wish there was someone I could talk to about this who wouldn't be hurt by it. I want to cut but someone would see it and then blame themselves. I have no release for these feelings, I don't think posting here will help but it's worth a try. I could stop feeling like this if I really tried, but it wouldn't be gone. I'd just bury it like I always do and it'd sit there eating away at me until the next time I break down. I'm nothing, just an empty shell of real person. I'm a good fuck and nothing more, though I'm sure there are some that would say I'm not even that. I know how I could do it and I know when to do it so that I wouldn't be found for hours. The plan is forming in my head without me even trying. It'd be so easy. I wonder how long it'd be till my friends found out or even started to worry. The sad part is I think it'd be several days at least. For once that's not depression talking, it's true, I could slip quietly out of people's lives so easily it scares me. All I have to do is make that one decision and I don't know what's stopping me anymore.