And here we are again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Oct 17, 2010.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    So, I've just got back from the hospital. It wasn't a suicide attempt but I have yet again cut requiring stitches. It's getting stupid now. I don't know what I can do. The thoughts of killing myself have come back but nothing set in stone. No plans have been made. It worries me as I may end up taking a massive od on the spare of the moment. At the moment I do want to live. I don't want to end up how I was 2 years ago and at the moment I feel as though I am slipping back that way. I have to wait until the end of November for the Psychiatrist appointment and don't know what is happening with the place the nurse man refered me to. I am going to try calling him as has got to the stage where I don't know what I am doing anymore.

    At the hospital I was supposed to wait to be seen by crisis team and couldn't see the point. I managed to talk my way out of it. Basically just said that nothing will happen tonight and it wont. I have got it out my system for a few more days. And they let me go.

    I am going to call my nurse guy tomorrow and see if I can go in and see him Monday afternoon after uni, or at least have a chat with him on the phone. He is quite useful. But for now, I don't know what to do\!
  2. Helba

    Helba Member

    Just wanted to let ya know, I was listening and reading. I am sorry for how it feels to be slipping. I also SI(through cutting), and understand the need for stitches and that depth that ensues. I wish I had some words of wisdom or of help, just know we are always here to listen, when your willing to talk; and if not still here to sit and be company.
    *hugs*(if okay)
  3. eddieukuk

    eddieukuk Member

    At last I have found a forum where I feel I can talk - even if it is just to a computer screen. I feel so alone. Keep taking OD's - I just wanna be dead. Did the same as you and have amanged to talk my way out of the crisis team coming round twice a day - but not sure how to cope.
    Its sunday today and I feel so alone. Everyone else enjoying life and me sitting here alone.
  4. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    The thing is I can talk people out of self harming, I can be there for them when they want to do it and make them see what it will achieve...a scar and painful stitches. So why is it when it comes to myself, I have tried the methods I tell my own patients to use and I can't do it. There is something in me that takes over. It's not about the blood, it's not about the pain. It's about the feeling of the razor. It's the endorphins it releases. It makes me feel calm and serene when I am going mad in my own head. I don't see what distraction techniques will do there, or other methods.

    The people at the hospital are horrible so it's not as though I am doing it for the attention. They have a go at me when they inject the local as it hurts. They say things like "you are being pathetic when you can cut yet you pull away at the needle". They talk about me as though I am not there. I can hear them saying things about me as if a curtain blocks out noise.

    I think it's a given that the lorazepam doesn't work for me. I take it when the urges become too strong in the hope that it will send me to sleep and zombify me before I actually cut.

    I think I am going to call the nurse again tomorrow. Things have gone too far now and I need someone to talk to and someone to see. I think I will ask him if I can go in and have a chat with him. I am concerned as I don't see that there is anything else that I can do to stop this. I don't see any areas in my life where I need to change things so that this behaviour can stop. I am sick of feeling low. I don't know what to do. I feel as though because I am making an effort to stop things before they go too far I am being held to having more prejudices against me as of the stupid diagnosis that is on my file. Not that I know myself, I have insight and can see where things may end up going if there is not more input soon. I can't win!
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    There is a difference between helping someone else and helping yourself. Maybe the main thing that helps is not even so much the information, but just knowing that there is someone who understands what you are going through and is trying to help.

    You may want to try acupuncture, maybe meditation. Also getting regular, gentle, aerobic exercise.

    If medical personnel are saying things to you like "you are being pathetic when you can cut yet you pull away at the needle", they are engaging in medical malpractice. People with such attitudes have no place treating suicidal people. Perhaps you could report this to someone? It really should not be allowed. It could be that people who want to victimize people are gravitating to these positions so that they can find easy targets for abuse. I'm sure they have done the same thing to other people as well, and it is very wrong and shameful for them to do so.

    I know that your situation is difficult, but if you can overcome your problems, you could not only make yourself happier, you could in turn continue to help others. It could be though that giving therapy to other people with similar problems is too stressful. Or maybe helping people on an on-line forum would be less stressful than doing it in person?

    There may be new approaches to your treatment that might help.
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