"and I don't want to live this life"

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by billythekid, Aug 30, 2010.

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  1. billythekid

    billythekid Member

    This is NOT a suicide note, warning there may be triggers here. I am writing this after having given much thought to what I want to say and why I want to say it. My spelling is horrible and my grammar is worse so please don't rag on me. I am going to just get the gritty details out, I refuse to hide the details of my life any longer. When I was 4 years old my mother and father placed my brother and I in one of the only two daycare centers in a little rural town in the south east. My brother was not hurt but for whatever reason I was almost beaten to death, then systematically tortured over and over. It changed who I was, I am not the same person I would have been had I not been beaten and tortured. I have been suicidal my entire life, I began to show abnormal personality behaviors and traits immediately following the beatings. I don't think I can come up with the words to describe the pure raw brute force of what was done to me. I started drinking alcoholically at age 10 and then started doing drugs, dealing drugs, being drunk and stoned constantly. There was and there is SO MUCH pain inside of me I can't fully explain it. I didn't tell anyone the details of what transpired for 30 years and grew to hate both my mother and my father, then they got divorced when I was 5 years old. Then my mother got remarried TWICE to these big thug type of men who scared the living hell out of me. I have overdosed multiple times on alcohol, benzos, fentynal, and anything else I can get my hands on. I was married to a beautiful woman and I wrecked her life. In 1990 my mothers sister drank a six pack of beer and took an entire bottle of xanax, she died and we buried her at age 49. I have been hospitalized on various psych wards about 15 times but the stress of what happened to me has caused my body to start breaking down prematurely. I know your thinking it's my drug use and perhaps it is but the trauma and PTSD can not be overstated. I am 45 years old and have almost died 3 times in the past 2 years, some of my physicians at some of the most renowned hospitals have warned me repeatedly that if I might possibly die soon, possibly “before I even get to an ER”. Every day I wake up to the same nightmare called my life, I don't want it, I don't care about it, and I don't give a crap anymore. I have to take a lot of medication every day just to keep even a small amount of sanity so I can function to some degree. I don't have to work any longer and I have a nice large home and all of my bills are paid for every month and I have excellent health coverage. I currently have a primary care physician, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a pain doctor and more, I have to go see these people all the time. I have unsuccessfully attempted overdose on 3 occasions. If and I am saying IF I try to OD again I will not fail, I am dispensed more than enough medication every 30 days to kill myself and I am even looking into going to another country for physician assisted suicide. Every night I pray to God to spare the life of some unwanted abused little defenseless child and take me in their place. All I am doing is taking up space and will end up alone in a nursing home or a VA home. Back in January I blacked out for no apparent reason and ran off the freeway, I hit a tree head on, the seat belt failed sending my head through the windshield, the airbag blew up in my chest and punctured my lung, and I broke my back in 3 places. I was in a back brace and physical therapy for 6 months. I have started drinking again lately and I get so depressed I have to stop because the suicidal thoughts get so intense. There are so many ways I can take myself out, I just wish God would do it for me, I mean I am begging HIM to take me preferably quick and painless like getting run over by a truck or something. Perhaps I will move to a bigger city and start shooting heroin, that's just an option. I wouldn't wish my pain and suffering on any human, not even on the people who did it to me, it is that bad. I feel so alone, so isolated, so full of despair that it overwhelms me on a daily basis. So, there you have it, I am sure there are a number of posts on these forums like this one. I am no one special, just a broken human with a broken heart living in a broken world. Thanks for listening. P.S. I am also a VERY ANGRY person. I was tested as having an IQ at the genus level when I was 13 years old, just think of what I might have been able to do with my life had I not been the victim of evil people.:mad:
  2. lurker

    lurker Member

    first sorry to hear that, yeah my IQ is high too, i guess, not genius level but who cares anyhow? i would suggest you to learn to let the past behind, like find a meaning for your life, step by step, then you can try to deal with your past i fyou care about it then.it is a endless spiral if you stay prisoner of the past. im 100% certain you deserve a better future, so why not give it a try? i understand that all the medication and psychiatric examination only tries to heal the symptoms. it is because those doctors arent your life coaches, they aint getting paid for it if you ask me!

    you got any hobbies? anything that you find totally awesome :)?

    sorry for my bad grammar , english isnt my native language.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry life has dealt you so many blows...

    Have you ever thought of helping others like volunteering or joining a group?
    You have been through so much you would understand others pain and may be able to help with theirs...maybe that could be your purpose in life...
    I hope you can find the support you need here...
    take care
  4. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    IV2010 suggested something that seems to be a way out of your situation. That might take the edge of the pain, give your life some meaning, and give you something to look forward to.

    Sorry, you have gone through so much. There are no really easy answers. Don't let your parents destroy you totally. Maybe your role in life is to be a healer, to heal the pain of others who have been through the depths, like you have.:hugtackles:
  5. steviedude2468

    steviedude2468 Banned Member

    *hug* there isn't anything i could possibly say to make you feel better. just know that I truly mean this hug.
  6. EK1981

    EK1981 Banned Member

    I would've liked to have read this, but my head spins when I see one gigantic run-on paragraph.
  7. billythekid

    billythekid Member

    It's not like writing a letter, this is the Internet, why so picky???:ghost:
  8. billythekid

    billythekid Member

    Thanks for taking the time to write a post. Of course I have thought of and actually have done quite a bit of volunteer work with people, it did help for a while so you are right. Then something happens and I fall right back into this same rut and feel the same way, truly I don't think I will ever fully recover and that is just a gut level reality check for me. I hope I find support also, anything anyone can say or do helps me. Thanks again.
  9. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Billythekid, in my estimate, you are a hero whenever you get up and fight, after each fall. Think of life as a boxing match and you are a prize fighter, and you are repeatedly punched and falls to the floor. But you always get up. No matter how much you fall, in the end you are one of the greatest heroes because you beat the odds, and I don't mean that you necessarily succeed, but that you got up again an again, even when the odds seems stacked against you.

    But, it's not how many times you fall, Billy, but, how often you rise. Don't let them beat you down.
  10. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    How you doing Billy?
    I agree with flowing river about the way you get back up when you're down..
    You are very strong even if you don't see it yourself...
    I believe you have a lot to give and I hope you'll stay and fight this disease with the rest of us..remember you're not alone..you have us..
    take care
  11. billythekid

    billythekid Member

    Wow, that was a very nice thing to say. You caught my attention for sure and it made me reexamine my attitudes and my actions.Your perfectly correct, very thoughtful and quite attentive.

    It is as you said I have to wage this emotional war every day and sometimes I win and sometimes they win. If I kill myself they win forever, and I don't want them to win over me, I feel very strong about that.

    Sometimes I feel as if I am a puppet or something, especially if I give into anger, especially then. Thank you very, very much.:smile:
  12. billythekid

    billythekid Member

    yes, I do have some hobbies, without them I would be a basket case. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I would love to hear more from others.
  13. billythekid

    billythekid Member

    Wow twice! Thank you for such a nice complement, you guys are really making may day start of very well. The reason I believe what you are saying to me is true is because of what happened the day after the auto collision in January.

    When I woke up on the day after the accident and realized how close to death I actually came a sense of personal power overcame me in a very strong way. I mean the doctors and nurses all told me I was extremely "lucky and or strong" to have survived a high speed head on collision.

    So, I think I can apply what you are saying to my ongoing psych problems. Two of you told me I am strong, thank you for lifting me up. I would love to hear from others about my post. Thank you with all my heart:laugh::laugh::tongue:
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 2, 2010
  14. billythekid

    billythekid Member

    Thank you very very much for the hug, I needed that.:biggrin::biggrin::biggrin:
  15. billythekid

    billythekid Member

    Thank you to everyone who responded, I am feeling much better as of yesterday and today, I ran out of my pain medication days before my original post. When I have to withdraw from my pain meds I get very suicidal and my doctors know this.

    It's only 40 mg of Oxy per day but it helps me in many ways not just my back pain. Medication that makes me feel euphoric reduces my stress and lightens my PTSD symptoms. When I go to an ER it's cheap, clean, and very pure drugs. My favorite drug of all time is IV Dilaudid, 2mg is best for me.

    When I start to feel the drug flowing into my arm I get a warm rush all over my entire body. My pain goes away, my anxiety subsides and my depression is lifted. The problem is you can't legally obtain the stuff in IV form for use at home, it has to be at an ER or doctor. You can purchase all the alcohol you want at every gaas station in the country and get drunk and drive all over, that is a true hazard in my opinion.

    I can fully function and can drive perfectly on Dilaudid but I can't even come close to driving even after just 2 drinks. Again thank you and would love to hear from more of you.:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:
  16. billythekid

    billythekid Member

    I feel like people here really care about me, about me as a human, me as part of the human race. Thank you again for your nice warm comments.
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I don't have much to add, but I just wanted to say that I think you show an amazing amount of strength. I'm glad you joined this site and told us your story, and I hope we can help you find ways to hold on. Feel free to drop me a PM if you need anything or want to talk.
  18. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Billy, thanks for hanging in there strong. I wasn't on here most of the day yesterday, so I didn't have a chance to read pr respond to your posts. You really are a beautiful person. Your life story will make a good book. You have been to the depths that few people have been. Perhaps, compassionate person because of it, or will be. You have gone through so much in your life. You are a bigger hero than most film stars, or rock musician, in my book. I will be thinking of you, and I hope that you can carry on. God would not have you survive the head-on crash if he did not have a reason for you here on earth. Your mission must be big, because you have gone through so much.
  19. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

  20. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hi Billy, hope you are doing well. Luv you.
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