This is NOT a suicide note, warning there may be triggers here. I am writing this after having given much thought to what I want to say and why I want to say it. My spelling is horrible and my grammar is worse so please don't rag on me. I am going to just get the gritty details out, I refuse to hide the details of my life any longer. When I was 4 years old my mother and father placed my brother and I in one of the only two daycare centers in a little rural town in the south east. My brother was not hurt but for whatever reason I was almost beaten to death, then systematically tortured over and over. It changed who I was, I am not the same person I would have been had I not been beaten and tortured. I have been suicidal my entire life, I began to show abnormal personality behaviors and traits immediately following the beatings. I don't think I can come up with the words to describe the pure raw brute force of what was done to me. I started drinking alcoholically at age 10 and then started doing drugs, dealing drugs, being drunk and stoned constantly. There was and there is SO MUCH pain inside of me I can't fully explain it. I didn't tell anyone the details of what transpired for 30 years and grew to hate both my mother and my father, then they got divorced when I was 5 years old. Then my mother got remarried TWICE to these big thug type of men who scared the living hell out of me. I have overdosed multiple times on alcohol, benzos, fentynal, and anything else I can get my hands on. I was married to a beautiful woman and I wrecked her life. In 1990 my mothers sister drank a six pack of beer and took an entire bottle of xanax, she died and we buried her at age 49. I have been hospitalized on various psych wards about 15 times but the stress of what happened to me has caused my body to start breaking down prematurely. I know your thinking it's my drug use and perhaps it is but the trauma and PTSD can not be overstated. I am 45 years old and have almost died 3 times in the past 2 years, some of my physicians at some of the most renowned hospitals have warned me repeatedly that if I might possibly die soon, possibly “before I even get to an ER”. Every day I wake up to the same nightmare called my life, I don't want it, I don't care about it, and I don't give a crap anymore. I have to take a lot of medication every day just to keep even a small amount of sanity so I can function to some degree. I don't have to work any longer and I have a nice large home and all of my bills are paid for every month and I have excellent health coverage. I currently have a primary care physician, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, a pain doctor and more, I have to go see these people all the time. I have unsuccessfully attempted overdose on 3 occasions. If and I am saying IF I try to OD again I will not fail, I am dispensed more than enough medication every 30 days to kill myself and I am even looking into going to another country for physician assisted suicide. Every night I pray to God to spare the life of some unwanted abused little defenseless child and take me in their place. All I am doing is taking up space and will end up alone in a nursing home or a VA home. Back in January I blacked out for no apparent reason and ran off the freeway, I hit a tree head on, the seat belt failed sending my head through the windshield, the airbag blew up in my chest and punctured my lung, and I broke my back in 3 places. I was in a back brace and physical therapy for 6 months. I have started drinking again lately and I get so depressed I have to stop because the suicidal thoughts get so intense. There are so many ways I can take myself out, I just wish God would do it for me, I mean I am begging HIM to take me preferably quick and painless like getting run over by a truck or something. Perhaps I will move to a bigger city and start shooting heroin, that's just an option. I wouldn't wish my pain and suffering on any human, not even on the people who did it to me, it is that bad. I feel so alone, so isolated, so full of despair that it overwhelms me on a daily basis. So, there you have it, I am sure there are a number of posts on these forums like this one. I am no one special, just a broken human with a broken heart living in a broken world. Thanks for listening. P.S. I am also a VERY ANGRY person. I was tested as having an IQ at the genus level when I was 13 years old, just think of what I might have been able to do with my life had I not been the victim of evil people.