And I must scream.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by detest, Feb 8, 2012.

  1. detest

    detest Banned Member

    Hi. This is a place for me to let it all out, so I'm here to let it all out.

    Basically, my life is a horror show. I'm 17 and every day is another day for me to wallow in self-pity/hate about who I am and why I'm on this earth. I suffer from POCD which is the chronic fear of being a pedophile. Stupid, I know, but there you go. My fear has stopped me from going out in general in fear of being attracted to a kid or something. I can't see a therapist because I'm afraid of what another person will think of this sad case that you're currently reading. The only person who knows of this is my mother who tells me I'm being silly, and I try to believe her.

    I've got no job, no friends, and no idea of what I'm going to do with my life, or if I'm even going to have one to lead due to me being suicidal. I've attempted suicide once but aborted it because I could never bear for my parents to feel such pain and sadness at my death. The thought of my parents in anguish at my death is the only thing currently keeping me on this planet.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You have an illness hun you are not stupid you are suffering. With therapy you thoughts can be trained to change i do hope you are getting some kind of therapy some councilling to help you cope with this illness
  3. detest

    detest Banned Member

    That's the thing. I'm terrified that I'll spew my thoughts out to this doctor and at the end of it all, he'll tell me that he thinks that I'm one of them. And I wouldn't be able to bear it. I'd certainly end it all.

    Everyday is like another trial in which I judge myself. And at the end of every trial, I sentence myself to another day on earth, it's a horrid existence. And the worst thing about it all is the fact that I know that I'm slipping mentally. I tell constantly tell myself that I'm not deserving of life, and that far more good, upstanding people are losing their lives everyday while I'm still here. Not to be overly dramatic, but I've stared up at the sky many times and cursed god for creating me, for creating this world. And then I question how a god could possibly exist if he makes life such a hell for his children. I find myself looking at people on the television and hating them for being happy. I ask myself why I can't have a happy life. I cry myself to sleep every night at the loss of my lust for life.

    And then I cry at the fact that I'm not a good person. At least, I don't think I'm a good person anyway. I sit with the people I love and I think to myself "You're not deserving of them." I've become something of a death-seeker, praying to god that the kettle will explode in my face when I make a cup of tea or something. I've hoped many times that I'll die of a disease or something. And then there's the thought of leaving my parents. This makes me cry harder than anything. I just hate how complicated and confusing my life has become.
  4. detest

    detest Banned Member

    Eh. No one cares. I'm damned.
  5. Soft Serve

    Soft Serve Well-Known Member

    This basically sums up how I feel for you as well. Those people who love you feel that way for a reason and if you let them, they will help you.