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And I was doing so well.. They say.

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Ok. I don't know where to start, my head is one big mush right now. I just need to write some of what I am feeling or not feeling, down before I end up cutting.

Yeah. My head is like a beehive right now.. I can't grap a single thought and turn it into a sentence.

Ok. I have a long history of SI, about.. 8 or 9 years now..? I'm 18 at the moment. I have been abused by 7 men at the age of 12.
I have been bullied in school, well from kindergarden actually, to 7th grade.
At the spring of 7th grade I got hospitalised for depression and suicidal behaviour. Oh my. It just hit me.. I was 13 when I got hospitalised.. Wow. Ok anywhoo.

I got diagnosed with very severe, non manic depression. I spent 8 months in the mental hospital. And 8 months so that I would go to the hospital school but stay nights at home.

So. Last years spring was.. Rough. My mother half kicked me out and I half ran away from home. 3 months before my 18th birthday. I lived at a friends place for 4 months. Moved on my own, to a REALLY tiny, shared flat. Lived with 8 other people. Was manic I suppose.. I spent ALOT of money last summer.. It was horrible I was supposed to save the monies for later.. But no..
End of september came and I was skinned. And I moved to where I live now. Alone thank god for that. So the few months were ok. But then things started piling up. Money issues, mom, past, having no friends, lack of social skills, panic attacks, depression, really rough highs and lows with my mood. So I called to the yout mental health clinic. I got an appointment and at the second time they recommended me taking medicine.

So now I am eating 15mg Cipralex daily, they will up the dose apparently and I might get more medication.

I get weekly panic attacks and the last two I have lost my memory with. I always ended up snapping out of it few hours later, sitting on the floor, holding my razor in my hand and hands covered in blood. Freaked the living shait out of me.

Sorry for not being very clear and bouncing back and forth. This is what my head is like now.

So in the last doctors appointment we did a few tests and the resulsts were that I have bi-polar disorder, the mixed state. All of the time. Doesn't change. I get really really really high high's when they hit. I used to start cleaning up at 11pm at my parents house, moving the bed and stuff.. I just snapped. And 15 minutes later. It was all gone. And I was left with all the stuff on my bed, lying on the floor on my back. And apparently from what I could understand from the doc whispering to the nurse that my depression is worrying..

This happens many times a day. At it's worst I can be manic 10 times a day. Or more...

And it fucks up my head so bad.

My left arm is itching really bad, the cuts are healing.. And I have a terrible urge to cut..

At the moment. I'm not really feeling anything. Numb basically. But my head is buzzing. And I am getting frustrated.. So frustrated..

I really really wanna move to England. That's whats on the top in my head. I really badly wanna go there. I am getting this feeling again that I can just sell all my stuff in 15 minutes, get the flat sorted out, call the landlord and everywhere else, get the ticket to England and go. Just go. But I know it's not possible. But on the other hand. I feel it is possible.. That I can do it..

Haven't eaten in.. 2 days now. I dont have anything to eat.. Hungry yeah. But I dont have money to buy food yet. Next week maybe..

I have no attention span what-so-ever. I can't cook if it takes longer than 1 minute. The other day I boiled spaghetti for 45 minutes.. Not eatable anymore. And I can't get anything started. I can't go to the store if I dont have anyone with me, I can't cook *obviously*, I can't clean..

Oh and the funniest part. When I was 14, I was having these same symptoms. And the doctor told my parents there is nothing wrong with me, that I'm just lazy xD Made me laugh my ass off when I heard this. And the doctors I am seeing in here are REALLY worried about me and almost hospitalising me xD Aye there's nothing wrong xD Omg having a gigglefit. Argh!

Oh woooooooow this is a LONG post O.o Sowwy ;_;

Lost Disciple

Well-Known Member
All I can really say is hang in there. Keep seeking treatment and, if possible, move to the U.K. I hear they have really good mental health and SI treatment there.

Sorry ofr saying nothing of much use.
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